AuthorKashiwa and psychologicalQu Harrier
EditKashiwa and psychologicalLi Qianwen
Parents must be wary of false understandings in the parent-child relationship. With the development of parent-child parenting, family theory and psychological counseling in China in the past ten years, many parents have become more and more scientific in their children's parenting methods.
However, some parents have listened to a lot of classes, read a lot of books, and done a lot of psychological counseling in the upbringing of their children, and the problems in the parent-child relationship still exist.
I often see parents who understand the need to respect their children's personal wishes in the process of raising them. But when some parents see their children out of school, they will ask with concern, do you write homework first, or read extracurricular books first? Of course, your child is tired from the day and may want to take a break before starting homework.
At this time, parents began to patiently persuade you, you see, you should write your homework first, and after finishing your homework, you can free up more time to read extracurricular books. Some parents ask their children if they have good test scores, and ask their children what gift you want, and I will satisfy you. The child may have chosen this gift, but the parents began to persuade at this time, you choose that gift, that gift is very good.
Some parents are worried about their children's test anxiety and study pressure, so they keep emphasizing to their children, oops, learning is not important, grades are not important, and relax their minds. But when the child is resting and relaxing, at this time the parents are anxious again, and the parents intentionally or unintentionally ask the child about the preparation for the exam, and begin to control the child's learning time intentionally or unintentionally.
Some parents face that their children are unable to go to school normally due to psychological problems, on the one hand, they can express themselves in an atmospheric manner and accept everything about their children, but they turn around and begin to sigh again, and express their dissatisfaction to their children in a weird way. It's just a transformation of the apparent attack into a tacit attack.
The above phenomenon will put the child in a very ** state. On the one hand, you let me make my own choices, and on the other hand, you are controlling me, inducing me, and making choices for me. On the one hand, you told me that you should do your best in the exam, and on the other hand, you increased my anxiety about the exam all the time.
We call this phenomenon a false understanding of the child by parents. It's not that parents have one thing on the surface and one thing behind them, but that parents may not be aware that they have made such a mistake at a subconscious level.
This kind of pseudo-understanding can lead parents into the illusion that they have done enough for their child's parent-child relationship, that they have made a huge change, but in reality they are just doing useless work.
Many parents who are anxious and controlling in their personalities, although they have read a lot of books, taken a lot of classes, and listened to the advice of a lot of psychologists, they only know it on the surface, but their subconscious personality level is still highly controlling and anxious, and the anxiety and control exuded from the depths of this personality will still have a negative impact on children.