Wise Mother warns that marriage is unhappy because it doesn't know how to quarrel
If there is a dispute between husband and wife, how to deal with it so that it does not hurt each other's feelings and can solve the problem? Don't worry, there are ways.
When I was a child, most of my perception of quarrels in marriage came from my parents. They often quarrel over all sorts of small things or big things, and it always seems that my mother has the upper hand because she is unreasonable.
"Unreasonable" here is not a derogatory or positive connotation, but an objective description. How could she be unreasonable? Sometimes, they are discussing one thing, but usually it ends up being my mother who is purely abusive.
In addition, my mother tends to get more and more excited and louder the more she talks. If you talk about it too much, it will trigger her memories, and then she will tell the past events from beginning to end, and end with insulting my father.
If the emotions were more agitated, even my grandparents might be pulled in and blamed because my father was raised by them, and my mother thought that they had not raised him well.
During this process, my dad remained largely silent and listened quietly. I later found out that he just opened his ears and took his demeanor at ease, barely expressing any opinion unless the TV was on, and even in a noisy family atmosphere, he seemed to be more focused on the TV show's **.
Of course, as I grew older, I tried to look at their marriage from my mother's point of view, only to realize that my father did a lot of things that he did not do well, and the sense of responsibility was not enough, almost everything was handled and cared for by my mother, and my father was basically a hands-off shopkeeper.
This is also the reason why the mother is often angry and scolds people directly. In fact, my mother is a typical rectum, and although she speaks harshly, she never does anything less, and she never cares less about her father.
Many times, she treats her father even better than herself.
Their quarrel pattern made the communication in the marriage lacking, and also made my dad ignore my mother's dedication. The reason was that he was used to it, and her bad temper was more obvious than what she had done.
In Dad's heart, Mom is first and foremost a grumpy person, and other virtues come second. I have an aunt who is very similar to my mother, and their marriage is the same, and the tempers of both parties are getting worse and worse.
My aunt often complained that she had a bad life and didn't find a good husband. Every time I talked about this topic, my mother always chimed in. But my aunt's 75-year-old mother said something and she warned my aunt: "You are not happy now because you don't quarrel."
The way you scold people is too terrible, and if you hurt people, you will open your mouth and ignore them. In the past, when I scolded you, you just didn't listen, and you wanted to fight with me. You don't have the right attitude when you speak, no matter how well you speak, people won't listen.
You always yell at him like a child, you think you're right, he thinks he's justified, so you can't stop arguing. ”
This aunt later told my mom that she felt that she had indeed done something wrong and had no respect for him sometimes. However, despite understanding this, their marriage has developed a fixed pattern that is not so easy to change.
As soon as some words came to my mouth, I said them regardless of it. The consequences of this are similar to the situation of my parents, one side is talking, the other party will never change, the problems continue to pile up, and when the quarrel is tired, the problem is temporarily put aside, and the next time, new problems will emerge together, forming a continuous cycle, and I often like to turn over old accounts.
Why do you turn over old accounts? Because the previous problem has not been solved, naturally this knot is in the heart. But why is the problem unsolved? An aunt I know who is happily married once said the reason, because in the later stage of the quarrel, many people forget the root of the matter and are just blindly venting their emotions.
In other words, the person who is arguing is not doing it right.
In her opinion, quarrels between lovers are inevitable, and it is a little unnatural if they don't quarrel at all. However, quarreling is not about shouting loudly and recklessly, nor is it just about venting your emotions and ignoring the feelings of the other party.
In the process of arguing, if you tear your face too much, it will make the other person feel neglected and disrespectful, which will make things worse. Therefore, the purpose of an argument should be to solve the problem, not to win or lose or vent emotions.
Be clear about the problem, express it concisely, turn the page to the past, and don't get entangled repeatedly. Quarrels are normal, resolution is the key, respect communication, enhance understanding, move forward, and no barriers.