During the Spring Festival, several sisters gathered, and Mu Mu shared her recent experience, which touched me a lot. Years ago, Mu Mu went to get a haircut with her boyfriend, and she chose a barber shop near her home. The result was a one"Tragedy".
The hairstylist didn't seem to be professional, and the haircut didn't match her face at all;Mu Mu was very annoyed, and he couldn't wait to find a crack in the ground to get into. After walking out of the barbershop, she was very nervous, for fear that her boyfriend would blame her. So she kept explaining and apologizing to her boyfriend, and at the same time planning how to compensate for her boyfriend's loss. Her boyfriend patted her gently: "It's not your fault, I chose to go into this barbershop with you."I am responsible for my choices。"Don't you really blame me? Mu Mu was not at ease. "Why should I blame you? You've also paid the price for a terrible haircut. The boyfriend replied. Hearing this, Mu Mu was stunned, and many memories suddenly came to his mind.Look at his boyfriend again, he has a gentle temperament, and he was actually pushed into a pointed inch.
She remembered that when she was a child, she once took the pocket money given by her mother to buy a string of rock sugar gourds and gave the first one to her mother to eat. As a result, the hawthorn inside was very sour and uneatable. Mom angrily threw the whole string of rock sugar gourds into the trash, and loudly blamed Mu Mu for having no vision and wasting money. Mu Mu agreed with her mother, and felt ashamed and blamed herself in her heart: "I can't even buy rock sugar gourds, it's so stupid." "Another time, my mother was cooking in the kitchen and asked Mu Mu to help bring out the chicken soup. As a result, the five-year-old brother jumped up and down, bumped into Mu Mu and knocked over the chicken soup, and was burned on his hand, leaving a scar. Mom hurriedly came out to apply medicine to her younger brother, and scolded Mu Mu angrily, scolding her for not walking with long eyes. At that moment, Mu Mu was both sad and self-blaming
On the one hand, she feels sorry for her brother;For this reason, Mu Mu is full of guilt for her younger brother, and often unconsciously does a lot of things to compensate for her younger brother. For example, the year before last, when her younger brother bought a car, she transferred a sum of money without thinking, and she resolutely did not need him to repay it. She always felt that this was what she owed her brother. In fact, from childhood to adulthood, not only these two things, but also many similar bad incidents, my mother would habitually blame Mu Mu. And Mu Mu often unconsciously agrees with her mother, thinking that it was her fault that led to the bad consequences, and trying to make amends for it. But her boyfriend's clear boundaries and self-responsible attitude made Mu Mu experience it for the first timeNot every bad thing is her fault; Not every mistake requires her to take full responsibility.On the other hand, she identified with her mother and felt that it was her own fault that caused her brother to be hurt.
In the process of raising children, many parents will have a tendency:Transfer of Liability。One of the most common is when parents put their own responsibility on their children when something bad happens. As a result, the child not only has to bear the adverse consequences of the incident, but also has to be forced to bear the responsibility passed on by the parents. is like Mu Mu's mother - as a nurturer, she should have taken the responsibility of taking care of the children and educating the children how to do things well, but she not only failed to fulfill her responsibilities, but also pushed all the responsibilities to Mu Mu when problems arose. As a result, Mu Mu not only had to bear the bitterness of the rock sugar gourd, the guilt of accidentally injuring his younger brother, but also the frustration and anger passed on by his mother. This is actually unfair to Mu Mu. In the process of growing up, children who have been undertaking the transfer of parental responsibilities for a long time are prone to two kinds of thinking inertia when problems arise:First: It's all my fault. Mu Mu is like this. As a result of accepting the transfer of mother's responsibilities for a long time and identifying with her mother, whether in life or work, she has one characteristic:Always habitually take the responsibility and mistakes on yourself. She works in the finance department of a company. Once, there was a mistake in her accounting, and her colleague Q, who was in charge of auditing, did not find out, resulting in a loss to the company. It stands to reason that Mu Mu and Q should be jointly responsible. Mu Mu was very guilty and thought that she was responsible for the Q, so she took the responsibility alone and admitted double the punishment. But this sacrifice did not bring Q's gratitude, but encouraged the other party's tendency to evade responsibility. Since then, Q has become more and more perfunctory about the audit, and once there is a problem, he will put the responsibility on Mu Mu. As a result, Mu Mu was both aggrieved and tired, but he didn't know how to protect his rights and interests. 
Second: it's all your fault. Mu Mu's younger brother also identified with his mother; But what he agrees with is not the responsibility that his mother transfers, but the way in which his mother transfers responsibility:Never take responsibility, and get used to pushing mistakes on others. He didn't study seriously since he was a child, and he didn't work actively when he grew up, so he messed up several jobs one after another, and often reached out to his parents to ask for money. Whenever his parents accused him of being unproductive and tried to educate him, he would in turn accuse his parents: "Obviously, you are unproductive, and you didn't work hard when you were young, so I have no family property to inherit." Regarding the matter of being burned by chicken soup, he, like his mother, decided that it was his sister's fault. Over the years, he has been accepting his sister's financial compensation with peace of mind, but he has never thought of giving back to his sister in the slightest. All in all, he is like a child who never grows up, habitually dependent on others and unable to take responsibility for himself. It is not difficult to see from the above that in the process of parenting, if parents blame their children as soon as they encounter problems and shift the responsibility to their children, they may be able to vent their anger and reduce their own frustration, but the damage to their children is huge. Is there a way to alleviate parents' parenting anxiety and avoid causing unnecessary harm to their children? Actually, there is. That is:Blame is on the table。That is, when problems arise, parents should distinguish with their children which are your responsibilities and which are my responsibilities. I'll take my responsibility, and you will take your responsibility. 
At a parent-child theme salon, the father of a 5-year-old boy once shared such a story: One day, he suddenly received a ** from the community property - his son threw a toy out of the window and hit the head of a passerby, and the other party demanded compensation. At that time, he was very angry and wanted to beat his son immediately as punishment. But he knew very well in his heart that it would be useless. In fact, the son often threw toys out of the window, and the adults in the family stopped him and even slapped his palms hard. But it's useless, the son will still secretly throw it while the adults are not paying attention. So what to do? What can be done to make my son fully aware of the consequences of his actions? After consulting a friend who was involved in children's education, the father decided to change his education. First of all, he took his son together and sincerely apologized to the other party. When apologizing, he did not blame his son and put the blame on his son, but honestly admitted his dereliction of duty. Driven by him, his son also timidly said "I'm sorry" to the other party. Subsequently, he took his son to accompany the other party to the hospital for a check-up. **Waiting for treatment, payment, examination, etc. results ......In every process, he involved his son. Through this operation, the son gradually understands the trouble and possible harm caused by his actions to others. Finally, he handed over the compensation to the other party in front of his son. He told his son that if the accident hadn't happened, the money could have been used to buy snacks, toys and go out. However, due to an accident, the money was gone, so this month's snacks, toys, and weekend picnics had to be cancelled. In this way, my son finally truly realized the consequences and losses of his actions. Since then, he hasn't thrown a toy out the window. Did you find out? From beginning to end, the father did not reprimand his son and shirk responsibility; He admitted his dereliction of duty, took his responsibility, and taught his son to take responsibility for his actions. This is what parents and children can grow together when responsibilities are returned to the family. 
In a relationship of clear responsibility, people are faced with problems:can not only take responsibility, but also do not evade shirk; It can also protect rights and interests without easy compromise. Mu Mu remembered that when she first dated her boyfriend, the two often made dinner together. Every time her boyfriend asked which restaurant she wanted to go to, Mu Mu would habitually reply: "Whatever!" "Once, my boyfriend chose a Western restaurant, and the food in it was completely unsuitable for Mu Mu's taste. During the meal, Mu Mu turned on the chatter and complain mode, complaining that her boyfriend had no vision. It's like when she was a child, she bought bitter rock sugar gourds, and her mother kept blaming her. But the boyfriend did not unconditionally agree like she did when she was a child, but honestly refuted it:
"If you have a favorite restaurant, you can tell me and I will accompany you to eat;At that time, Mu Mu felt very aggrieved: it was obviously her boyfriend who chose a restaurant and stepped on the pit, why couldn't she complain? In the past, she made the wrong choice or accidentally got into trouble, and her mother complained about her like this! Until the two went to get a haircut together a few years ago, she chose the barber shop to step on the pit, and her boyfriend not only blamed her, but also emphasized to her many times: "I choose to go into this barber shop with you, and I am responsible for my choice." "Yes! In the adult world, everyone is responsible for their own choices. Clear boundaries and responsibilities are the keys to a lasting relationship. After truly understanding this, Mu Mu's whole person instantly relaxed a lot.Every time you ask, you say, 'whatever', leave the decision to me, and now you blame me, which is unfair to me! ”
With this realization, she went home to face her mother and younger brother, and she had confidence. During the Spring Festival, her mother asked Mu Mu to buy New Year's goods, but when she bought them, she disliked her for not buying them well. This time, Mu Mu no longer took all the responsibilities on himself, but honestly retorted: "Mom, if you are not satisfied, you can choose to buy it yourself; Don't call me every time and keep complaining about me when you're done, I'm fed up. The mother was a little surprised to see her daughter fight back, but she stopped complaining knowingly. That was the first time Mu Mu defended her rights and interests in front of her mother: "Although I was a little nervous, after saying it, I felt much more refreshed." On the first day of the new year, she no longer gave her brother a red envelope as in previous years, but patted her brother on the shoulder: "When you grow up, you will support yourself in the future, good luck." She finally learned to sort out their respective responsibilities, let the responsibilities fall back into place, and no longer be overly responsible and blindly sacrificed. In any relationship – whether it's a parent-child relationship, a partnership, a friend, a colleague, or a relationshipSorting out the boundaries between each other and being responsible for oneself is both a responsibility and a relief. Facing the problems in life - don't rush to blame others, return your eyes to yourself, see your own responsibilities, and dare to take responsibility for yourself, which is a kind of responsibility. Don't rush to identify with others, focus on the facts, see the responsibilities of others, and refuse to be responsible for others, which is a relief. In this way, the relationship between people will become more refreshing, clear and pure. In the end, may we all grow from our mistakes and reap the rewards of our growth. May you and I be responsible for ourselves in the relationship