I am 36 years old, hold a master's degree, and work as an English teacher in a key secondary school.
To outsiders, it seems like I'm living a happy life. My husband is a Ph.D. graduate from a major university, and my own academic qualifications and career are not bad. We both do very well and are well paid, with two houses and two cars.
In the eyes of many of my friends, I have lived a life that they envy. During the holidays, I was able to travel abroad with my children, and my work was very smooth. On the surface, I should be a carefree and happy woman.
However, the truth is quite the opposite, outer brilliance does not represent inner happiness.
My husband and I met through a friend's introduction, when I was 30 years old and ended a relationship that lasted 7 years. My ex-boyfriend felt that living in a first-tier city was too hard, so he chose to return to his hometown. And because of the stability of my job, I was reluctant to leave with him, and we couldn't convince each other that we could only say goodbye.
After the breakup, I realized that I had entered a very old age, and although I didn't feel too scared, I always felt empty inside. It was at this time that I met my current husband through a friend's introduction. He was two years older than me and average-looking. Even though I'm an older woman, I still look quite young because I have always loved dressing up.
My husband started courting me after he first saw me. At that time, his work was not as smooth as it is now, and his income was not as high, but he worked very hard, always emphasizing that he was from the countryside and had no one to rely on but himself. I give great credit to his efforts.
My family is located in a small county town in the south, and my parents are both teachers, so my family has always been quite good. As a result, I could hardly comprehend his eagerness to prove himself. Still, I can understand him.
We talked for half a year and finally got our marriage certificate. said that they were deeply in love, but in fact, I didn't experience it, but I just felt that the other party was more suitable. And for him, I guess the same. The love of middle-aged people is no longer the passion of youth, and sometimes it is more like a trade-off based on interests. We had a good time before we got married, but it wasn't until we got the license that we gradually discovered the differences between us.
I am the only daughter in my family, I grew up in the city, and I have a little knowledge of piano, chess, calligraphy and painting, but housework is really not my strong point. Cooking skills are also limited to simple scrambled eggs with tomatoes. Once accompanied by his ex-boyfriend, he is a relatively diligent person, and the housework is basically handled by him.
Now that we are married, I expect my husband to share some of the housework responsibilities as well, but he doesn't seem to be very willing. I will always remember the disgusted look in his eyes when he learned that I was not good at cooking, it was really hurtful. In fact, there is no hard and fast rule that the housework must be done by women, and men can share it as well.
I tried to convince him, but he seemed confused by my inability to cook and not good at housework, rather than willing to accept it. In his eyes, family relations are traditional, with mom in charge of housework and dad in charge of outside affairs. The first time I went to his house, I was very impressed.
His mother was working alone in the kitchen, and I wanted to help, but she declined. After the dinner was cooked, the three of them sat down to eat peacefully, without waiting for his mother at all. By the time his mother had finished his hard work, they had eaten almost enough and seemed to take it for granted, while I, as an outsider, felt a little chilly.
Now in the face of the situation that I am not good at housework, at first, he can still tolerate it. However, as time went on, his dissatisfaction with this gradually became apparent, and he even bluntly stated that if he had known that I was not good at housework, he might not have married me.
We had a dispute that men should earn money and women should take care of the housework, taking it for granted. I felt very angry, but also helpless. In the face of his regrets, I couldn't help but feel exhausted.
Considering that we are both not badly financially off, I recommend hiring a part-time worker to handle these chores, as I am really not good at it. However, he disagreed, saying that he did not like to be in and out of his home, and felt that it would make him feel uncomfortable.
Therefore, I had to study hard. In the beginning, the food I cooked was either too rusty or tasted wrong, and he was always picky about the washing machine and felt that it was not clean enough. How many tears I've shed over this, it's really hard.
Fortunately, I managed to get through it eventually, especially when I was pregnant, maybe for the sake of the child, and he was a little less picky about my cooking and housework, which made me a little relieved.
In addition to blaming me for not being good at housework, he also expected me to be excellent in appearance. Whether it's a social event or a family gathering, he insists that I need to dress up so that I can save face.
Gradually, I realized that he didn't really want a wife who knew how to take care of the housework, but just wanted a presence with an aura. At home, I was asked to be virtuous, and outside, I needed to look good so that his face would shine.
Although I am not without merit, I am a teacher and I produce students who are always the best in their grades. However, at home, nothing was accomplished in his eyes. Sometimes, I even began to doubt my own abilities, perhaps because of the long-term setbacks that caused my self-perception to decrease.
At first, I thought that getting married would take time to get married, but after a few years, the results of the run-in are still not satisfactory. Especially after he changed jobs and made a million dollars a year, he was even more critical of me.
At that time, my mother-in-law was taking care of the children at our house, and he always compared me to her, and the comparison made me feel worthless. However, I don't think such a comparison makes sense. All she can do, I can ask a nanny to do it for her; And what I am good at, she can't replace. That's the difference. However, my husband didn't think so, thinking that I was not as virtuous as his mother and was not worthy of him.
Luckily, my mother-in-law only stayed at home for two years because his brother's family had a new life and went back early. I offered to ask the parents to come and help, after all, they are practitioners in the education field and have experience in raising children. But my husband disagreed, on the grounds that he didn't like outsiders at home.
During an argument, I accused him in vehement. Your mother is at home, but you don't think she's an outsider; But when my parents came to help, they became outsiders. In fact, as the arguments continued, our relationship faded and my expectations for him faded. Even though we are financially carefree and even wealthier than many people, I am not happy in such a marriage.
In the end, I made a compromise and the child was sent to the nursery class early, and we took turns picking up and dropping them off. It also meant that my life was busier, he either worked overtime or went on a business trip, and I basically took care of the children's affairs. Sometimes, I feel disheartened, but out of responsibility for my children, I have been silently patient.
The last straw that broke the camel's back was a medical examination report of mine.
Last month, the school organized a comprehensive health check-up. When my physical examination list came out, the doctor personally called** and anxiously instructed me to do further laboratory tests as soon as possible, because there was a possibility of uterine cancer.
I was shocked to see the suspicious points on the checklist. I'm young and have a young child, what should I do?
In a daze, I took the time to call my husband, hoping that he could give me some comfort. However, he rebuked me in a cold tone, thinking that I was worrying about the world for no reason. His words were as cold as the bones of winter.
I remember that one of his high school classmates worked at the local No. 1 Hospital, so I asked if I could use his connections to allow me to have a more comprehensive examination the next day so that I could be diagnosed as soon as possible. However, he reprimanded me bluntly: "Don't be so idle all day, isn't there a unified inspection in the school?" Find a school! After saying that, he hung up **, which made my heart chill.
Subsequently, I had to contact the doctor for a check-up with the help of a colleague. Thankfully, the end result showed that I had no problem. During this time of waiting, I experienced physical and mental torture, but I longed for this man's attention, even if it was just a warm word or a hug.
However, all I got was his indifference and impatience. Perhaps when people are at their most vulnerable, calmness becomes the only option. At that time, I made up my mind that if the test results were good, I would divorce him. I want to get rid of this man who lacks warmth.
The day the final test results were revealed, the doctor told me that the tumor was benign. After leaving the doctor's office, I cried heartbreakingly, but this cry made me feel relieved. Yes, I decided to be relieved.
That night, I resolutely went home, confessed everything, and told him that I was going to divorce. He looked at me like a sick person, thinking I was sick.
Subsequently, he tried to mediate through both parents, and even filed for divorce, but the small house and children were left to me, and I could not be expected to provide living expenses.
I said yes. At this time, he was a little flustered, but he was angry with me and thought I was crazy.
However, I don't want to dwell on him anymore. Yesterday, we walked into the Civil Affairs Bureau and officially divorced.
People around me may think I'm stupid, after all, my husband didn't cheat, there was no domestic violence, and the economic conditions were good. However, such a man often acts coldly and violently against you, which is the most terrifying.
Even though all I got after the divorce was the 70 square meter house we originally purchased and the responsibility of raising the children, I already felt content. The luxury villa and expensive vehicle were left to him, and I don't regret it, I regret not leaving sooner.
There is a saying: In marriage, what is more cruel than cheating is the "cold violence" of men.
Cold violence can be defined as a form of violence that manifests itself in coldness, contempt, permissiveness, alienation, and indifference, thereby causing psychological and spiritual harm to others. In fact, it is a form of mental abuse.
It is believed that many women have experienced or are experiencing cold violence in their marriage. Some, like Xiaohui, bravely chose to come out, while others have been wandering in place for various reasons.
For many women, cold violence is not only a way to end love, but also a long physical and mental ordeal. Some women consume all their energy in the process.
In the face of a cold and violent husband, even a warm flame could not melt his heart. Therefore, it may be better to leave early.
From a woman's point of view, everyone expects the family to be warm and the husband to be warm. It's not good to quarrel, but instead of staying indifferent all the time and making your heart cold, that's the most terrible.
Xiaohui's husband has a high education and high income, which seems to be enviable on the surface. However, marriage is like a pair of shoes, and only the person who wears them can really feel if it fits or not.
Xiaohui found out in her marriage that the shoes were not suitable for her. She had tried, tried to change, but her husband's cold violence persisted. So, in the end, she left with a wounded heart.
Luckily, she made the choice to leave.
Dear friend, if you are also experiencing cold violence and feel that you cannot communicate and cannot be helped, then perhaps it is time to consider relying on yourself.
In a marriage that is not suitable, you need to have the courage to give up. Of course, the premise is that you have the ability to make money independently, so that even if you leave this man, you can still live well.
Just like Xiaohui, she has a stable job, so she has this ability.
If you are in a marriage and struggling because of your husband's cold violence, I believe that one of the reasons why many people do not get divorced may be financially related. Then, you need to work hard to make money, make yourself financially independent, and then be brave enough to leave.
Do you have women like Xiaohui around you? Have you ever met a man who is cold and violent? Welcome to leave a message to share!