The article is from New Oriental Family Education and was deleted for infringement.
The Spring Festival has not yet ended, and many young people have posted on the Internet: "I began to regret it the next day after returning home, and I wanted to pack my bags and go back to work." "I really don't want to go home anymore, my mother has been scolding since the Chinese New Year's Eve, alas" "Home is not home, my home is in that small rental house. "It's uncomfortable to be forced to be together for a few days again. "In the future, when I pick my father to come back when he is not at home, I will disappear if I can't get along, and I will be blocked a long time ago." ”…
The Spring Festival was originally a day of family reunion, but I don't know when it became a mirror to test the parent-child relationship. A family with a good parent-child relationship, the Spring Festival is a harbor for children to inhabit, children will be coquettish in the arms of their parents, and under the gentle words of their parents, all the unhappiness will be re-filled with the energy of struggle. For families with poor parent-child relationships, the Spring Festival is a sad time full of internal friction and unbearable, and children crave but can't get in. I often hear many parents complaining, "Why do I give so much for my children, but I can't get close to them?" "Why do I love my children so much, but they don't feel it?" ”…
As Growing Up in Parenting puts it: "The parent-child relationship is the noblest and most enjoyable thing in the world, and there is nothing on earth like it." "Every parent wants to have a close and friendly relationship with their child. However, a good parent-child relationship is not enough to have a love for children, but also requires parents to master good methods. When you don't know how to handle the parent-child relationship, you might as well take a look at the following 4 laws of psychology. 
Psychological saturation effectOnce, I accompanied my girlfriend to pick up my kids from school. From the moment I received the child, my girlfriend kept nagging the child: "Do you understand what the teacher said in class today?" Is there any homework? Is there anything you didn't understand? When I get home in a while, I hurry up and write my homework, and I understand the questions I don't know in time, and I ...... finish todayAt first, the best friend's child would respond a few times, but as the best friend became more and more energetic, the child secretly put on the headphones and closed his eyes helplessly. After arriving home, the girlfriend continued to nag and urge the child constantly. The child hid in the toilet, and she stood at the door of the toilet to urge. The child wanted to drink saliva and eat some fruit, and she stood next to the child to urge. The child spoke to her, and she was about to output a truckload of bitter words, until the child was forced to break down emotionally, yelling at her: "Are you enough, the more you say, the more I don't want to write, whoever likes to write." Looking at the back of the child angrily slamming the door, my best friend complained to me: "Look at it, as soon as she says it, she will blow up her hair and can't listen to anything." ”In fact, it's not that the child can't say it, but the girlfriend talks too much. 
Psychologists once did an experiment: set up a stall in public, and the stall was placed with paper and pen. If someone is able to write the numbers from 1 to 300 completely and without modification, they can get a reward of 50 dollars. Many passers-by picked up pens and tried it, but in the end, none of them were able to receive the reward. Psychologists believe that the reason why the contestants fail is because they are produced"Psychological saturation".When a person is in a state of tension for a long time to do something, it is easy to enter a state of boredom, his mind will be disturbed by the outside world, his attention will become lower and lower, and he will be prone to all kinds of mistakes, and he will not want to or cannot continue to complete the task. The same thing,When the nagging and accusations of parents make children have a "psychological saturation" effect, children will lose their interest in obedience and doing things, triggering boredom and rebellion. There is a limit to the amount of a certain stimulus that each of us can receive. Appropriate reminders and suggestions from parents will make children accept them happily. Excessive nagging and accusations can be counterproductive. I like a sentence very much: "Life has a degree, mistakes are out of moderation, bad is excessive, and good is moderate." "No child can tolerate long and frequent counsel from their parents. The more the parents chatter, the more annoying the child becomes. Rather than so,We might as well endure the endless nagging, urging and accusation, give our children more trust, let ourselves and our children get along happily in a relaxed environment, and meet better growth. 
The abandoned cat effectIn life, we often see such a scene: the child sits on the ground and cries, and the parent threatens the child, saying, "If you don't get up again, I'll leave, I don't want you anymore." The child did something wrong, pitifully pulled the parents to ask for forgiveness, and the adults pushed the child away again and again, and reprimanded the child, saying: "Get up, what are you pulling me for, you don't listen to what I say once, fall in love wherever you want, call whoever you want to call your mother, I am not your mother's ......."If the child disobeys the wishes of his parents, wants to apply for his favorite school and major, and wants to marry the person he wants to marry, the parents threaten to sever the parent-child relationship: "If you dare to ......."From now on, I will not have your son and daughter! "In most cases, children will be forced to obey the majesty of their parents and the bonds of family affection. Parents can also be complacent because they have beaten their children. 
LikeThe abandoned cat effectSaid that:When a cat is discarded, it tends to behave particularly well-behaved because they are afraid of being discarded. In the same way, parents control their children by abandoning them and taking back their love, and the children are afraid of losing their parents' love, so they are forced to compromise or find ways to cater to them. This method seems to be very easy to use, but in fact, it hides a lot of hidden dangers. There is a question and answer on Zhihu: "Why do many children grow up and don't kiss their parents?" A netizen's answer was thought-provoking: "When I was a child, as long as I didn't do well in the exam, my mother made me kneel on the floor for hours. As long as I don't obey her, she will get angry and angry, with "Why did I raise you such a white-eyed wolf, I am good for you everywhere, but you don't appreciate it everywhere......"Emotions kidnap me. I was hurt by a friend and went to talk to her, but she criticized me and said, "My heart is useless in studying." "In order to gain my mother's affirmation and attention, I can only keep compromising and pleasing me. When I grew up, I learned to be sensitive, inferior, and flattering in order to gain love, and my life path was bumpy. How much I used to crave their love for my parents, and how disappointed I am in them today. ”You see, the "abandoned cat effect" can temporarily control children and domesticate them, but it will also make children gradually lose trust in their parents, lose their sense of security, value, and even lose themselves, so that children do not believe that they are loved and cannot be close to their parents. Therefore, do not threaten your child with retracted love, control your child, and force your child to be obedient. A good parent-child relationship is to maintain an equal relationship with the child, get along with the child happily, give the child the sense of trust and security that the child needs, and let the child firmly believe that his parents will never abandon him, and firmly believe that even if he is not perfect, he is still worthy of love. This is the best nourishment for children's growth, and it is also the secret of lasting intimacy between parents and children. 
Reverse effort effectI used to be a very introverted and anxious mother. Because I was afraid that my son would lose at the starting line, that I would miss the child's growth, and that the child would not be able to compare with others, I arranged various quality enlightenment and education for my son from the time my son could speak. Seeing that other people's children are proficient in addition and subtraction within 20, I forced my son, who couldn't count clearly, to memorize the decomposition within 10, and bought my son all kinds of learning materials for thinking expansion. Seeing other people's children speak English like their mother tongue, I forced my son to read English picture books for an hour every day, and even cartoons could only be read in English. I set a strict and thorough study plan for my son, so that every day of a 5-year-old child feels like prison. I thought that all my hard work and dedication would make my son stand out among his peers, but I didn't expect that my son became more and more silent and stupid under my anxiety and involution, his eyes became more and more hollow, and his speech began to stammer. 
As Aldous Huxley describedReverse effort effectSaid that:"The harder we try to do something with a conscious will, the less we will succeed. ”Many times, the more concerned we are, the more anxious we are, and the more we want to be in control, the more likely our performance and behavior are to be deformed, tasteless, and the results will be contrary to our expectations. Wang Defeng, a professor at Fudan University's School of Philosophy, once wanted his son to be admitted to his alma mater, Fudan University. For this reason, like all parents of "chicken babies", he has forced and stared at his son to learn since he was a child, and let his son grow up according to his own plan. But on the day the college entrance examination results came out, his heart was like an ice cellar, and his son's grades were almost impossible to go to college, let alone going to Fudan. He had no choice but to accept the reality and choose to let his son go with the flow. But the result was extremely surprising to him: when he stopped forcing his son to study, his son fell in love with learning and was admitted to the world's top university, London Business School. I remember that the writer Qingshan once said a passage, which is very reasonable: "People need to follow their own nature and become their true self." Just like a seed, it sprouts and grows according to its inner rhythm and order. ”Each child's growth has its own laws and order, what we can do is not to "go with the flow", nor to "pull out the seedlings to grow", but to give up anxiety, give up involution, respect the child's nature, let the child find their own way in a stable and relaxed environment, go to the place they want to go, exert their own strength, and walk out of their own life. In this way, we can harvest a confident and happy child, and we can move towards a win-win situation with the child.
The Twenty Yards EffectThere is an educational motto in the United States: Keep a distance of twenty yards from your child. Pressing step by step and controlling everything will arouse the child's rebellious heart and put the parent-child relationship in jeopardy. Leaving it alone and allowing it to indulge will make children suffer in neglect and become unhappy in doting. Always keep a distance of 20 yards from your child, attacking and defending, so that your child can grow up better and more smoothly. A Zhihu netizen shared: "Both of my children learned self-discipline under my high level of 'doting'. This doting is not the doting we often say, but letting children grow up in love and freedom. "Netizens never keep an eye on their children's learning and deliberately cultivate their perseverance, but give them enough freedom to ask for only four things: class, homework, reading, and screen time. Others, if unnecessary, will never give the child extra tasks and restrictions, only the minimum requirements. He believes that self-discipline is the premise for self-discipline to be achieved only in important and critical matters. A large number of demands will only wear down the child's willpower and provoke the child to instinctively resist.
There are several children in the documentary "Little Boy", each with their own unique hobbies and specialties. Their parents never restricted their freedom and instead supported them in pursuing their hobbies and dreams outside of their studies. Tao Qize, who likes robots, does not look at his mobile phone, does not chase gossip, and spends all his spare time making robots, and emerges at the International Robot Competition before the age of 18. In addition to attending classes and doing homework, Yin Ran, who is obsessed with insects, is to study insects, and at a young age, he was called "an expert in the field of praying mantises" by a veteran Hong Kong policeman who has studied insects for decades. The Chinese Academy of Education Sciences also conducted a survey of 20,000 people: "For the vast majority of people, tutoring is ineffective. When all our education fills the child's space, he will not develop. Therefore, give your child a little free time so that he can be the best version of himself. "A child's growth depends on their parents, but they are not in their control. We can do things for children, provide support and advice for children, but we cannot replace children's growth. Each child has their own topic and their own growth trajectory. Standing twenty yards away, guarding them, and lifting them is the best love for children. As the educator Ringer put it: "The only thing an educator should do is to unconditionally protect and defend the child's initiative, not to control it." "Respect without interference, care without limitations, is the wisdom of parents, but also the luck of children.
John Gray, an American doctor of psychology, once mentioned a word:The oil tank of love。"Everyone has two 'oil tanks of love' in their hearts, one to store passion and fun, and one to store love. The alienation and indifference of the parent-child relationship is actually because the "oil tank of love" in the child's heart is slowly decreasing. The endless nagging and accusations of parents, the unbridled threats and indifference, the ubiquitous control and arrangement, consume not only the enthusiasm and fun in the child's heart, but also the support and trust in the parent-child relationship. If you want to maintain the intimacy of the parent-child relationship, parents must give their children the respect and freedom they need, so that they can spread their wings freely and grow up happily, so that children can know you, understand you, love you, and be grateful to you. Parents and children respect each other and achieve each other, which is the best form of love.