Recently, I saw such a post that made me see the pathological view of education of countless Chinese-style parents.
The title of the post is:I'm glad I didn't grow up with her.
The poster wanted to share his lunch with his mother, and he ordered a takeaway lunch: a box of rice, a scrambled egg with tomatoes and a fish-flavored shredded pork, which is an ordinary meal.
When my mother saw it, she replied with a voice:My child eats delicious food every day, and he can't eat the leftovers to take home and eat at night.
It sounds like the poster is deliberately showing off in front of his mom what an amazing thing he ate.
After listening to his mother's voice, the poster felt extremely speechless and angry, and immediately replied:Why don't you let me go to the trash can to pick it up and eat? This little stuff will be saved for the second meal.
Mom then replied:Thrown away in vain.
The poster really couldn't bear it here, and replied: I'll mail it to you, you eat.
At this point, my mother directly said that she was disobedient, and if she couldn't finish eating so much, she would eat less and don't have leftovers.
The poster asked her mother not to put her own set on her, and her mother threatened her not to message her again.
The poster's inner thoughts are actually very simple, he just wants to share his daily life, but he was still taught a lesson by his mother.
Although I have accepted that I am destined to live in her shadow for the rest of my life, I still occasionally feel incredible because of such parents. ”
I think this is also a reflection of many people's hearts.
Many people in the comment area came forward to say that they shared the same experience as the poster:
A blogger didn't sleep all night because she ate strawberries and shrimp, and her mother didn't fall asleep all night, thinking that she was too wasteful of money, and that good things should be eaten only during the New Year, and she was still a girl, and she had no ......
This kind of parental happiness is the original sin, and eating well and using it well is also a sin ......
The daughter happily shared with her mother that she went out to eat hot pot, and her mother didn't have a word of blessing, so she said that she was eating chili bibimbap at home, and she was full of ...... for three yuan
In the concept of such parents, as if it is a sin for children to eat what they want to eat, they should not enjoy the joy of life, and they should be as frugal as they are, even if they are harsh on themselves.
I think this is the "Chinese-style disappointment" parent that has been criticized by everyone for a long time.
I vaguely remember that there was such a **, a girl went to climb Siguniang Mountain, and after her own efforts finally succeeded in capping, she was the first to dial her mother's **.
If it is a disappointed parent, there is a high probability that she will say that she is too happy and has nothing to do, so it is better to work hard to earn more money.
But the mother in **, wearing the blue overalls in the factory, has not forgotten to be busy all the time, with a happy smile on her face, as if she is proud of having such a wonderful daughter.
The daughter was even happier when she saw her mother's smile, the hard work of climbing the mountain was not worth mentioning, and more importantly, her mother was very supportive of her ideas and practices, giving her the strength to move forward.
I think that only people who have been beaten and blamed by their parents know how rare such parents are, and in the comment area, the voices of envy are endless:
Just by virtue of the author's ** dialing his mother at the first moment of mountaineering, I don't know how many people have surpassed......
The first reaction was that I was climbing a mountain, and my mother felt guilty and guilty for working on the assembly line. So I'm broken......
My first instinct was to climb the mountain by myself, and my parents felt guilty at work, and I always felt sorry for my parents, so I couldn't really be happy every time I played.
I didn't even know how to save myself.
Someone else directly posted a chat record between herself and her mother, she told her mother that she wanted to go climbing, and her mother replied to him:You're having fun, your mom is tired.
When sharing her ** eating hot pot skiing in the circle of friends, my mother's comment was:Not good at studying.
In the evening, when sharing his snacks with his father, his father said:It's something I've never thought about in my life.
What's more, because he posted his cat in the circle of friends, he was commented by his father:We are sixty years old, riddled with injuries and illnesses, and we are still working hard, you are young, how can you raise cats and dogs in Yaxing?
It seems that the purpose of our existence is to continue their responsibilities, to work hard, to live a lifetime, not to stop for a moment, not to enjoy life, not to achieve happiness.
Otherwise, you can only reap non-stop accusations and incomparable guilt.
There is such a passage in "Alive":
"Never believe that suffering is worth it. Suffering is suffering, suffering does not lead to success, suffering is not worth pursuing. The will is tempered because suffering cannot be avoided. ”
But in the eyes of many parents, only suffering can make people grow, if not, then artificially created.
It is with this idea that the following scene is born:
In order to let him experience suffering, the father of a child climbed Mount Tai with a schoolbag weighing about 20 pounds, and called itIf you can't endure the hardships of study, you have to endure the hardships of life.
In fact, anyone who has experienced similar experiences knows that this will not make the child fall in love with learning at all, but will only make him hate his parents even more.
There is also a parent, even more outrageous:
If you want your child to suffer a little, can you not use anesthetic during surgery?
He said that now the child is so happy and still feels tired, the child injured his leg a few days ago and will have surgery in a few days, can he not give the child anesthetic?
Let the child endure more hardship, so that he can grow better in the future.
There is a high praise answer in the comment area that goes like this:
It's okay, when you lie in the hospital in the future, it's up to you to give up.
Know that all the actions you do to your child will plant a seed in his heart.
A counselor once described some families as follows: The whole family environment is like a "mental hospital", full of accusations, complaints, and contradictions.
It is impossible for such a family to raise a normal child.
In fact, most parents do not love their children, but use the wrong parenting style, hurting their children without knowing it.
Zhao Yuping, the keynote speaker of the Hundred Lectures, once told a story around him.
A friend who was a mother came to him and cried: "Teacher Zhao, I can't live this day!" ”
One day, she was cleaning at home, and when she saw her son come out to pour water, she asked: Have you finished your homework? As soon as the son heard it, he exploded: ask, ask, what ask? Know how to ask all day long! If you ask me if I don't write again, you don't care about me! After speaking, he immediately slammed the door shut.
The mother felt that her son was too angry, and she didn't know what to do, so she was sorry for her hard work.
But when Zhao Yuping found her son, the son was aggrieved and angry.
It turned out that every time his mother asked him if he had finished his homework, whether he answered "finished" or "not finished", he would be reprimanded: "After writing, he is still in a daze on the sofa, and he doesn't hurry up to do exercises and memorize words!" ”
If you haven't finished writing, why don't you hurry up and write it? ”
Just this broken learning attitude, every time it is a push and a push, I work hard with your father to earn money outside, you are this virtue, who are you worthy of? ”
This reminds me of the theory of "double binding" proposed by the British anthropologist Bateson.
The meaning is: no matter what the child does, it is wrong in the eyes of the parents.
Children who don't work will be scolded for being lazy, and if they don't do their work well, they will be scolded for being stupid; If you don't speak, you're dumb, and if you speak, you're talking back; No matter what the child does or does not do, parents always have a reason to blame the child.
The worst communication pattern in a family is to constantly verbally attack the child like this.
This kind of attack not only has immediate lethality, but also has a lasting and far-reaching effect on the child.
A netizen in Zhihu told about such a thing.
Went downstairs for a barbecue, and the owner asked his 12-year-old son to help serve the dishes.
As a result, the son was not steady, and the dish was knocked over before it was served.
The shopkeeper was busy at the time, but instead of getting angry at the child, he taught the child what to do next: "Xuanxuan, go and apologize, and then go and get two bottles of beer to the guests, just say that we sent them, and let the uncles and aunts wait, I'm really embarrassed." ”
The son immediately apologized, compensated for the beer, cleaned up the garbage on the floor, and then served the food to the guests again.
Instead of dwelling on his child's mistakes, the father focused on solving the problem, after all, teaching the child how to deal with things is the most important thing.
In fact, the difference between wise parents and ordinary parents is that they will not blame and then create more conflicts after discovering the problem, but take their children to find a way to solve it as soon as possible.
Such parents are "resilient", they have ample fault tolerance and do not consume their children on small things.
Children can also learn to be optimistic and open-minded in a relaxed family atmosphere, and can deal with problems calmly.
Psychologists have done an experiment:
When people hear accusatory phrases such as "you're stupid" and "you're terrible," the brain releases a lot of the stress hormone cortisol.
The child's brain development is not yet perfect, and the self-regulation ability is still very weak, and the secretion of stress hormones cannot be quickly reduced. When the stress hormone is always at a high level, and the child does not know how to relieve the stress, he will fall into a situation of constant tension and anxiety, and in the long run, he will lose control of his emotions and become mentally disturbed.
Anthropologist Bateson has also confirmed through a series of studies:Parents who are accustomed to blaming are more likely to raise children with mental illness.
So what can we do to avoid becoming a "blaming parent" and give our children better nourishment?
First of all, learn to appreciate your child and give more positive feedback.
Second, be a parent who "doesn't spoil your fun".
Again, learn to listen and provide emotional value to your child.
The book "The Seven Habits of a Highly Effective Family" says:
We are accustomed to yelling at our family members, accusing but not understanding, ordering but not communicating, learning to thank or apologize.
We all feel like we've given too much for our family life and we've neglected the most crucial point:Communicate effectively. When you want to educate your child, ask yourself, is it communicating effectively, or is it venting?
Is it giving strength to children, or is it bruising them?
The accusations you blurt out will not only have no educational effect, but will also leave the child with wounds that will never heal.
Don't count things down, usually be more tolerant, children's happiness starts from parents quitting accusations.
Share. I'm Maizi, thanks for your attention.