Author: The main creative group Enina.
A few days ago, she received a friend's **, and when she talked about her son, she was worried.
She said that her son's grades were a mess and he was not conscious of his studies at all.
She quit her job for her son and took care of and supervised his studies at home.
And her son, too, will sit at the desk very obediently and look hard.
The reason why I say "look" is because although the child spread out the books and test papers, when she went to look at it, she found that half an hour had passed, and the child had not moved a word.
She thinks about the neighbor's children, the parents don't care much, but the children are very self-disciplined in their studies and have good grades.
She wondered, what was wrong?
In fact, in life, there are many parents like my friend, whose children are not self-disciplined, so they push, supervise, and supervise, and the children seem to work hard, but they are completely inefficient.
Look at the child again, under the impetus of the parents, it is like a car that has not started, push and move, the parents are so anxious, but the child is not the same thing, and even conflicts with the parents.
I once heard a very heart-piercing sentence"Once the driving force of effort is external pressure, effort is just a performance art called effort. ”
Instead of pushing the child from behind, the parent makes it look like the child is running hard; It is better to ignite the enthusiasm in the children's hearts and let them run independently, so that they can run faster and farther.
"Pseudo-self-discipline", which is both short-lived and fragile
I have seen the story of such a netizen in Zhihu, his grades were actually good when he was a child, but his parents and relatives at home were more strict with his studies.
As long as he did not get the ideal score in the exam, his parents and relatives at home would take turns to spur, preach, supervise and remind him.
Maybe in the eyes of his parents, this kind of supervision made him more self-disciplined, but he was very disgusted in his heart, and even became a little tired of school for a while, and even his grades dropped a lot.
Later, when he went to college, he was no longer bound by his parents, and he was more like a bird escaping from the cage, completely freeing himself. During his four years of college, he often skipped classes, failed exams, and was almost dropped out.
He said that "other laws" are like beautiful soap bubbles, just to see when they burst.
It is true that parents can do their best to control and push their children, but the "self-discipline" generated by external forces looks very good, but in fact it is just "pseudo-self-discipline".
Under the pressure of external forces, children have to maintain superficial self-discipline by pursuing form and ritual, which is used to avoid the scolding and nagging of parents.
In this way, children become more and more anxious under the double pressure of learning and parents. They need to constantly confront themselves and their parents, and this self-discipline makes them more and more painful the more they insist.
And such a "pseudo-self-discipline" promoted by parents, once they lose their external motivation, their so-called "self-discipline" will fall apart.
In the long run, the child will either choose to run away or become rebellious.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong said:
"It's only chasing what you want, that's motivation, not pressure. The pressure is that others want you to win, others want you to lose, and you agree with theirs, and you don't see your own inner motivation. ”
The "pseudo-self-discipline" of parents' urging, scolding, and nagging not only makes children suffer from internal friction, but also wears out their internal motivation, and such "self-discipline" is both short-lived and fragile.
Self-discipline from the inside out is true self-discipline
The writer Saint-Exupéry once said:"If you want people to build a boat, it's not about hiring people to collect wood, not giving orders, not giving tasks, but about arousing their desire for the ocean. ”
Only inner awareness can really change a person, make them take the initiative to do it, and become powerful.
The same is true for educating children, education expert Chen Meiling, her three sons are very self-disciplined and have been admitted to Stanford University.
She never uses restraint and coercion to make children self-disciplined. On the contrary, it will always give children understanding and support, and stimulate children's internal motivation.
For example, when learning about whales, in order to stimulate children's curiosity and inner enthusiasm.
She would research a year's worth of whaling data, take her children to watch whale-related documentaries, and collect reports from magazines and newspapers.
As a result, the child became very interested in learning content and took the initiative to talk to his mother about whale knowledge.
Chen Meiling will not blame, deny, or supervise her child's learning because of her child's unsatisfactory test results.
On the contrary, we try our best to help children integrate boring learning into life, into interesting games and interesting experiments, so that they can find the true meaning and fun of learning, like it from the bottom of their hearts, and learn self-discipline.
Breaking an egg from the outside is food, and breaking it from the inside is life.
It's like you tell someone that your hair is messy. He may retort to you, **messed up.
But if you give him a mirror and let him see for himself, he sees what he looks like, and it will naturally change.
We educate our children too, instead of constantly nagging, reasoning, and using whips to drive children to learn, it is better to stimulate children's internal drive.
Let the child change from the inside out, from passive choice to active choice.
In this way, the child will have a clearer idea of where he is going and where he is going.
They will have a better understanding of their heart's needs and passions.
They will be more willing to put in the time and effort to do it, and to take on all kinds of challenges and pressures.
Internal drive is the core and cornerstone of self-discipline, and only such self-discipline is a more long-term and powerful self-discipline.
Self-discipline begins with stimulating the child's "inner motivation".
Kazuo Inamori said"What really strengthens a person is his strong internal drive. ”
The internal drive is like the "engine" in everyone's heart, and only when the "engine" runs on its own can it have enough power to move forward.
To raise strong, self-disciplined children, we can start by stimulating children's internal drive.
1. Have a sense of belonging that is "accepted", so that children are more motivated
There is such a story in "Five Learning Hats for Children":
It's late, but the child hasn't finished his homework yet. The mother asked the child if there was any way to finish the homework quickly, and the child jokingly replied, "If you scold me severely, I can finish it quickly." ”
However, Mom replied:"That's not good, I love you so much, even if you can't finish your homework, my mother is reluctant to scold you. ”
After listening to his mother's words, the child was very happy, felt that he had been accepted and understood by his mother, and finally completed his homework on his own initiative and efficiently.
The recognition and acceptance of parents give children a sense of belonging, and children with a sense of belonging will take the initiative to develop in a better direction to live up to the trust of their parents.
In normal times, we can deny, reprimand and urge less, and more actively encourage and recognize.
For example, Mom saw that you were working hard. ”
Concerning. You're doing a great job, and mom is proud of you. ”
I see your frustration, you feel that the results are not satisfactory this time, you can think about how to master those knowledge points, if you need help, you can always come to me, I believe that you can do better through hard work. ”
Let the child know that we see his emotions and efforts, and make him feel accepted and included.
It also lets the child know that we will support him no matter what, so that the child can be more confident and positive to change.
2. Provide "I can" the freedom to make children more active
Hundreds of studies have found that explaining why a task is important and giving individuals as much freedom of choice as possible when performing a task, whether at school, at home, or in a business, stimulates greater motivation than rewards or punishments.
In life, we often use arrangements or commands to let children learn or do something.
But as a result, children will think that this is not their own business, but their parents' business, and they certainly don't want to do it.
So, we can start small, guide our children to speak their minds, and give them limited options.
You can ask your child, "Do it first......Let's do ...... firstYou decide. ”
Or ask your child to think, "What do you think are the solutions?" ”
For example: Thank you for telling your mom what you really think. But now that you have a weak language foundation, do you have any good solutions to solve it? Does your mom want to hear from you, or what kind of help do you need from mom? ”
Listening to your child's ideas and guiding them to make their own choices will make them feel that their ideas and choices are respected.
They will learn to be self-disciplined by being more self-reliant and willing to take responsibility for things and work hard to get things done.
3. Enjoy the satisfaction of "I can do it", so that children are more motivated
We often see children addicted to playing games, but learning is not like this.
One of the reasons is that children break through the level one by one in the game session, which brings them a sense of "I can" satisfaction and makes children more and more motivated.
Therefore, when stimulating children's internal motivation, we can help children get a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment of "I can do it", so that they are more motivated.
Guide your child to split the goal together and give timely encouragement and motivation.
Work with your child to break down the big goal into many smaller goals.
For example, this week, the child will only practice one of the knowledge points.
Once your child is doing a good job, give them timely affirmation and encouragement to make them feel that "I can do a good job." ”
These small goals are goals that children can accomplish with a single jump, and they are not too easy or too difficult.
In this way, the child will feel the beautiful process experience of accomplishing the goal, confirm that he is capable, and have more confidence in himself and more initiative.
Writer Martin once said:"True self-discipline is not to go out, but to go inside. ”
Parents want their children to have a good future, so please stop being confused by your child's short-term "pseudo-self-discipline", and help your child start from the inside and learn true self-discipline.
Let children walk more firmly and more strongly on the road without parental supervision.
This may require us as parents to spend more time and effort to guide our children.
I hope that in the future, every child can ignite the fire in their hearts and live their own brilliant life.