In this world, everyone other than oneself is someone else, and they are all independent individuals with their own ideas and lives.
But to build an intimate relationship, two people need to share each other's experiences, trust each other's actions, and even their lives must be intertwined.
and even form a symbiotic state of you and me, and I and you.
This feeling can make people feel that they are not alone in the worldYou will experience a deep sense of belonging and fulfillment.
At the same time, both parties in an intimate relationship need to be committed, and everyone expects the relationship to last, and is willing to spend time, energy, and material resources.
However, in the process of building and maintaining intimacy,I want to be intimate with others, but at the same time I have an important need for my own space.
When these two needs are mixed together, it is often extremely confusing and confusing, so what should we do about it?
Proper understanding of intimacy
Now there is a point of view:The so-called love is actually a kind of dependence.
The person who says this will feel that in this world, everyone else makes him insecure, so he will put all his sense of existence and security on one person.
In real life, I've seen a lot of women like thatPut their sense of security and presence on their parents or children.
So even if my parents are very old and my health is not good, and even if I am in my 60s, I still hold on to my parents.
Some people use their children to brush up on their sense of existence, putting a lot of pressure on their children, hoping that they will achieve something:
Therefore, they will be forced to learn the Olympiad, so that the children are proficient in all eighteen martial arts, and they must be admitted to key schools, and so on.
I had problems with my previous intimate relationship, but it was actually due to my sense of existence.
I seek in intimate relationships the emotional needs that were not met by my parents as a child, but those needs should be met in more and better ways as I grow up.
It shouldn't be pushed into intimacy.
Some people, once they devote themselves to their careers or their own interests, they still live a very prosperous life without love.
Because their mood swings and emotional needs don't come from the other half of the intimate relationship.
For example, when a painter devotes himself to his creation, he will feel that it does not matter whether he has emotional support or not.
But I'm the kind of person who puts my emotional needs on my partner, and that's why I have such a big problem with intimacy.
We call ourselves loving others, but it's actually a kind of control, and a grasp of security.
Many times, because we don't know how to find milk to eat, we need to be fed by others.
And the one who feeds him is very unlucky, but we call it love, because I love him, so I can't lose him anyway, so he should be what he should be;
I've given so much for him, so he should ...... how he wants
Actually, it's not true love.
True love is always putting yourself first - I am comfortable before I am qualified to say that I love you.
I'm not happy myself, but I said"I want you to make me happy, I want you to ......”Such love becomes taking, not true love.
Be aware of the lessons in your intimate relationships
Why is intimacy so hard to maintain?
Because the world is our inner projection, and the other person is our magnifying glass.
The closer you are to the person, the more dark side you will have in him, and that is completely denied or invisible to you deep down.
Other people who are not close enough will not know this about you, but you will unconsciously project it on your partner and let him take the responsibility.
Therefore, the reason why there are so many problems in intimate relationships is because the two parties are too close, there is no distance, and they lose the respect they deserve.
Seeing that the other party behaves a lot of things that are not pleasing to the eye, but you fail to review yourself, in fact, you can see the other person's problems, and you may have the same problems yourself.
For example, some of the shortcomings I saw in a former lover that I myself have, and he is just an enlarged version of me
He was like a magnifying glass, magnifying all the faces that I didn't want to see and didn't want to admit in front of me.
Actually, your partner is here to help you practice, and in a way, he's a teacher.
For example, your partner is not good at communication and is always stuffy in his heart
Maybe he's here to teach you to be a communication expert, to be able to learn how to open his heart when he doesn't want to communicate, so that he is willing to communicate with you.
Or maybe your partner is always lying and you're upset when you know about it:
At this time, you must know that if a person is not a liar, he lies more or less out of that natural habit of protecting himself.
Why should he protect himself? Because there is no sense of security.
Therefore, this lover wants to teach you how to make him feel safe in front of you, to be able to give him a trust, and to make him willing to open his heart and tell you the truth without thinking about the consequences.
This is an example of how loving people can help us to be better, to teach us, to make us learn.
Of course, the best case scenario is that your lover is your partner who accompanies you to explore the world.
About these three faces of the lover,Mirror, teacher, partnerIn fact, it is present in every intimate relationship, but sometimes, our own energy will affect the other person to take on a different appearance.
One of my former lovers would tell me something he had never said to anyone before, and I would be very happy.
Because he can open up to me, I can also give him a sense of security, and that's a good cycle.
But because of this, I will brush more presence in this relationship, hoping to induce him to open up more to me, so that I have a greater sense of accomplishment and think that I am a wonderful woman.
Because I can make a man who closes his heart to other people open his heart to me.
Later, I learned that he had been cheating on me from beginning to end, and that the so-called opening up was just wishful thinking on my part.
The illusion of love can be seen from this.
I can't help but sigh that love is really a game that requires a lower IQ to play, and adults may not be able to play it anymore.
It is also a process that requires self-realization and awarenessYou have to see for yourself what you are doing with this intimacy.
I see my own needs in intimate relationships, and my former lover also needs more needs because he has never been loved since he was a child.
I feel like he has not been treated well since he was a child, I should let him understand his own potential, let him play to his strengths through my love, and then become a different and better person.
I want to make me feel good about myself by transforming him, to make me feel great, that I can use my love to transform a man, and especially to get all the love of that man.
There is a lot of utilitarianism in our intimate relationship, and on the surface we say that we love that person very much, but many times we will have some interests in it.
For example, if there are certain men who make me feel particularly good about myself, I will like them very much.
And some men are too good about themselves, very selfish, self-centered, and they won't step out of their comfort zone to cater to you.
This kind of man is not likable, and he can't win the affection of ordinary women, at least not me.
In intimate relationships, we often don't know what we want, and we don't know the relationship status of two people's interactions, so we walk into intimacy with this feeling of need.
After all, each of us will lack love in our lives and need companionship.
If you put your sense of security in the world, your sense of accomplishment, and your love for a man, then your intimacy will definitely go wrong.
How to nourish yourself with intimacy?
The best intimacy is to let the other person be what he is, unless he is willing to change.
When you're together, it's good that you're happy with each other when you overlap this time period.
1. Don't please yourself by controlling the other person's behavior
Once, I went to Dali with my ex-boyfriend and a group of friends, and I was eating at one table, but he went to another table to smoke with a group of men.
He doesn't usually smoke, and I don't like him as a smoker. When he came back, I got very angry and scolded him in front of many people and asked him why he smoked.
He was upset at the time, but he didn't quarrel with me, and I was content to let it be over.
Thinking about it now, I feel like I owe him an apology, I shouldn't have done that to him at the time, it was not the right thing to do, and I allowed myself to do that.
That was a grave violation of his rights.
Later, he told me that he was just socializing because he felt like a man by smoking with a group of men, and he didn't want to make himself look like he had a habit of cleanliness.
Actually, I can understand it, but at the time I just thought:
How can you run away and smoke without my permission?
We were so close that I couldn't help but cross the line to control him and control his behavior to please myself, which was very wrong.
In an intimate relationship, the practice of "controlling the other person's behavior to please oneself" is an absolute blow to intimacy.
From this, I thought that there are many things that need to be cultivated in life, from unconsciously cultivating to being aware of hindsight, and then cultivating to being aware of it, and then to being aware of it, and then to being a prophet.
However, many times, we can't see many very subtle problems hidden in the depths, and we can only finish what we can see first.
That's why Jung said that the subconscious—something you are not aware of—will become your destiny.
That is to say, if you do things according to your own temperament and according to your own habitual patterns, and you are not aware of better practices, you will not be able to change your destiny.
2. Respect each other's boundaries
Many men are very much in need of their own time and space, and need to be alone.
But in the past, I was more willful, and I would unconsciously violate the boundaries between each other, because I felt that intimacy was one, and when I wanted to connect, he should be there.
If he's in a bad mood and can't connect with me, I'll feel unloved and abandonedI was most afraid of feelings, so I would go to the boundaries and ask him to give me what I wanted.
Although many things are not big things, small things finally gather into a tower, causing our relationship to the point of no return.
I don't understand why squeezing toothpaste makes some couples get divorced:
Some people want to squeeze toothpaste when they squeeze itStart at the bottom and squeeze upwards, I think it's for the convenience of the next person who uses toothpaste;
But the other person may be very casual and use it oftenSqueeze from above.
People who are accustomed to squeezing toothpaste from below think: I squeeze it from below every day to make it convenient for you to use, why don't you ever think about it for you?
When we think about it in this way, the problem extends to many other aspects, and the contradiction expands.
I feel that this problem can be solved very well :Wouldn't it be nice to have one toothpaste per person!
You squeeze your way, he squeezes his way, what's the big deal, does it need a divorce?
In fact, in marriage, most of the things that cause the two parties to break up unhappily are small things, and as long as there is a certain awareness and wisdom, they can be resolved.
Some people don't necessarily have a high level of awareness and wisdom, but they can "endure."
You don't see, how many happy marriages were "endured" by both parties.
Respecting each other's boundaries, respecting each other's living habits, and tolerating each other's personality differences, we can turn danger into relief and tide over difficulties.
And I have also seen that in many intimate relationships, the two parties are too close and entangled, so that when they go out to eat together, the other party has to interfere with whatever food they order, which is really too much.
Respecting each other's original way of life is the guarantee of a long-lasting relationship.
My dear, if you want to find and have a beautiful intimate relationship, you can come and participate in the one I designed and taught"Understanding Each Other, Mastering the Code of Love丨3-day Intimate Relationship Online Experience Camp".
I will share my personal experience with you in the most simple and understandable language, hoping that you will gain new insights and maximum help on the topic of intimacy.
I wish you and I can find our own place in our intimate relationship and live our blooming selves!
This article was created by Mr. Zhang Defen, if you need **, please contact for authorization.
Planning丨Li Xiaodou.
Editor丨Li Xiaodou.