How can you live out the sobriety, strength and brightness of Li Li in "Flowers"?
This is a question that has been discussed by a lot of women lately.
Lee Lee explains how a woman with a strong self lives:
She is a big heroine who grabs land and has a strong foothold in the man-centered business field;
She is a ruthless character in the relationship, who is both soft and decisive;
She is a strategist who gambles on the future and wins the sky when her friends are in crisis.
In the relationship, she can afford to love, let go, be clear and self-controlled, and do not be anyone's subordinate;
In business, she is insightful and rational enough, always holding the initiative in her hands and taking full responsibility for herself.
Aside from her love, many women appreciate her courage and strength, and look forward to being like her in the face of life's various trials.
However, the reality is that very few people can have such a strong ego in the first place.
But the good thing is that everyone can cultivate little by little through continuous learning and growth.
Generally speaking, a woman's path to self-growth has the following 3 stages.
I'm small, and I'm big
At this stage, you can barely see yourself, you only have someone else in your eyes, and you need to see yourself through the eyes of others.
For example, you may be an excellent employee, returning from studying abroad, and joining a large company that everyone in your family can call you;
You may be a filial child who always thinks about his parents and gives priority to his parents' wishes.
You may be a considerate wife, a husband who cleans up the house inside and out;
You may be a gentle mother, the child's favorite person, she wants to have you with her in everything;
However, these are all about you in the eyes of others, and all your sense of value is the love and recognition of others for you.
It's like Mrs. Maisel before the counterattack in "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel".
In the eyes of the world, she was the praised Mrs. Maisel, who not only kept the house in order, but was also her husband's right-hand man at work, and was glamorous at all times.
In order to maintain the image of the perfect wife, she gets up early every day to put on her makeup, and resolutely does not let her husband see her unkempt appearance.
It's simply the fairy wife of all men's dreams.
But she lived herself completely as an appendage to her husband, without ego.
It wasn't until her husband cheated on a woman who was inferior to her in every way that she realized that all her previous efforts were like a joke.
- She lost herself for others, but in the end she was ruthlessly abandoned.
After learning from the pain, she turned around decisively, no longer revolving around her husband, but instead devoted all her energy to living out herself and completing the counterattack.
In reality, many women are as good and independent as Maisel, but they also can't help but lose themselves after getting married.
The most typical characteristic is that after getting married, all you think about is how to satisfy your husband and make your children happy, but you rarely pay attention to your own needs and feelings.
It's obviously a neck-and-neck relationship, but he lowers himself into the dust.
Even, when you go out to play by yourself occasionally, you will have a deep sense of guilt and feel that you are not worthy.
So, my dear, try to live for yourself once like Mrs. Maisel, and you will find that you should never be just the wife or mother of so-and-so, but yourself.
I'm big and others are small
In the first stage of a woman's growth, there is also the class of people who are completely opposite - people who can only see themselves.
These people think that the whole world has to revolve around them, because some inappropriate parenting makes them accustomed to taking in relationships, not knowing how to give, and not seeing others.
Once others can't satisfy her, she will be very hurt, feel that others are sorry for her, and want to control others.
For example, a friend is a person with very high emotional needs.
When she is in love, she asks the other party to reply to all her messages;
All small emotions are asked to be caught by the other party.
Otherwise, it's just not love.
She would often blame the other person for small things, just because the other person did not exactly do what she expected. She rarely pays attention to the other party's feelings, and her mind is full of how the other party "provoked" her. For this, there are frequent quarrels. She always complained that others had ruined her life and was sorry for her, and she suffered so much that she felt that she had "no choice". It wasn't until her husband stopped silently putting up with her complaints and was getting farther and farther away from her that she realized that she might need to make some adjustments.
She came to me and I gave her a little advice.
You will be dissatisfied because you expect something from him. Try to be aware of what is expected behind each of your complaints.
Weigh realistically whether the request is reasonable.
Many times, it's easy to expect so much from others that we complain all the time.
It's true for everybody, and so am I.
But when we find these things unreasonable, it's time to adjust our expectations, especially those that "must", "should" and "only".
For example, the message must be replied in seconds, otherwise it is not loved.
But in fact, whether to reply to the message in time is not necessarily related to whether it is in love, the other party may be really busy, it is best to confirm it first.
After all, everyone has other things to do besides falling in love. ”
At first, she couldn't calm down and be aware, always feeling that she was a victim, why should she reflect.
But after continuing to learn, she finally began to reflect and realized that this was indeed the case.
When she let go of those unreasonable expectations, she began to look at the other party much more pleasantly, and the relationship "revived".
Of course, it's not easy to admit that you've expected too much, which means admitting that you've done something wrong, hurt someone, and need to take more responsibility for the relationship.
However, as long as you still want to maintain the relationship, you must do so.
The self is big and small, thinking clearly, and being confused
When women no longer focus solely on the relationship itself, it enters the second stage of growth:
I began to realize that others could not meet all my expectations, and stopped projecting my needs to others.
That is to say, the gaze is gradually withdrawn from the outside world and inward.
Maybe I have saved enough disappointments, and finally realized that men are unreliable, and it is better to rely on others than on yourself.
For example, in order to get rid of her selfish and irritable husband, Aunt Su Min drove around the country alone.
Maybe it's because I see more and more women around me living chic, comfortable and happy on their own, and realize that the world is big and we should experience it.
Maybe it's reading a lot about women's growth and realizing that life needs to change.
After all, in her time, the awakening of women has become the main theme.
And, once a woman decides to live her life, she will find that she is surrounded by supportive voices.
There are many examples of this around me.
For example, gladly. She was born in a family with a weak sense of boundaries, and when she grew up, she had several failed relationships and was very hurt.
In order to heal her wounds, she began to study psychology.
Through her studies, she has gained a more objective understanding of her relationship with others, and she is also constantly aware of her feelings and concepts, and continues to cultivate.
But it's one thing to know, it's another to do it.
As soon as you go home, all the trauma will be activated again, and you will subconsciously use the same pattern to deal with it.
She will still fall into the same trap of intimacy, and she will be involuntarily attracted to people who don't know how to cherish her again and again.
Fortunately, she has her own growth group and continues to keep an emotional diary.
After two years of continuous tugging, now her internal friction is significantly less, her relationship with her original family has eased a lot, and she will no longer easily fall into the sweet trap of others.
Everyone can grow up like her if you want to.
After all, there are too many people on this path of growth, and as long as you reach out, you can get a lot of support.
I'm as big as everyone else
The sign that a woman has reached the third stage is that she has a third perspective
Be able to see yourself and others from the perspective of a third person, and you can see both yourself and others.
There are 4 very obvious qualities in this:
Become objective and neutral, be able to accept yourself and others as they really are, not easily defined by others, and will not define others at will; Be able to express your own needs openly and see the needs of others; Able to reject others calmly, but also pay attention to the emotions of the other person; Be able to take responsibility for yourself, but not push yourself or overdo it. In short, women at this stage,
Life is becoming more and more real, more and more courageous, and more and more proportionate.
The transformed Mrs. Maisel is the best example of this.
She strives to pursue the talk show career she loves, even though there are many prejudices against women in this industry.
She got rid of the male gaze and no longer bothered to dress herself up as a "perfect woman", but how comfortable she was.
She no longer easily doubts herself when she encounters difficulties, but finds ways to overcome them, and finally realizes her dream.
And the most important thing to do is to say goodbye to your inner weak self psychologically.
If you really want to change the status quo, if you always wonder "I can't do it, I can't do it, I don't know what to do", you might as well try to start with the following three aspects.
One is cognitively, allowing change to happen.
Ask yourself every day, "If I didn't live like this, what would I want to be?" Now, what can I do to facilitate change to happen. ”
If you feel impossible, ask yourself, "Why am I so sure?" Is there any evidence for this? ”
The second is to give yourself more positive nourishment emotionally and accumulate inner strength and courage.
Surround yourself with people who empower you, especially those who recognize you and tolerate you, rather than people who keep you feeling exhausted.
Especially when you have a small ego, the slightest denial from the outside world can lead to a lot of trauma.
If you can be seen and affirmed by others, the ego will quietly become bigger.
After all, the best place to heal trauma is in a vicarious and healthy relationship.
You can also consciously do more things that can bring you positive feedback, and learn the clean-up exercises in the "Be Yourself" experience camp in DELFEN Space.
Through good home psychological training, we will continue to accumulate strength and small fortunes in life.
In this way, even if something happens in your life that is exhausting, you will have the strength and courage to face it head-on.
Third, in terms of behavior, practice positive imagination more.
To put it simply, it's about finding a role model for yourself.
When you encounter difficulties, think about what this "role model" will do, to imitate her and learn from her.
Maybe you don't feel like you're that strong enough to be like her.
But everyone has their own unique resources and outlets, believe in yourself!
When you do this, you will find that the ego is getting bigger little by little, and subconsciously you will no longer desire to find a hook in others and hang yourself up.
May everyone grow into what they want to be.
This article is co-authored by Fei Ye and Zhang Defen Space Chief Writing Group, if you need **, please contact for authorization.
Planning丨Bear.
Editor丨Li Xiaodou.