When faced with a parent or lover, you know what you areDependency typepeople?
Today toThe "dependence" of sharing is called "attachment" from a psychological point of view。There are three types of it, namely: secure attachment, avoidant attachment, and anxious attachment patterns.
In fact, attachment mainly refers to the initial social bond between the infant and the primary caregiver (usually the mother), and it is also an important sign of the infant's emotional socialization. A child's early attachment style will affect the formation of emotional and personality traits, as well as the basic patterns of social behavior and the basic attitudes of interpersonal interactions.
John Bowlby, the founder of the attachment model, argues that "the child's initial relationship with his or her primary caregiver constitutes the starting point for all subsequent relationships." Therefore, a child's attachment pattern is generally formed before the age of three, and the interaction pattern between the child and the caregiver directly determines a person's future attachment pattern.
So,What attachment type would you be? Let's find out firstThe principle behind itbar.
1. Secure attachment
A child with secure attachment will use his mother as a "safe base", and his mother's presence will make him feel safe enough to actively explore and operate in unfamiliar situations. There is no strong insecurity reaction to the mother's departure and the presence of strangers, and sometimes attempts to approach strangers and show friendliness.
2. Avoidant attachment
Children with avoidant attachment often do not form a particularly close emotional connection with their mothers, and are "indifferent" to whether their mothers are present or not.
He is not sad when his mother leaves, and when his mother returns, he will approach slowly, or choose to avoid it, and is unwilling to have intimate behavior with his mother. This category of children is also known as "non-attached children".
3. Anxious attachment
Children with anxious attachment are often insecure and constantly alert and attentive to their mother's departure. He was extremely resistant to his mother's departure and was very distressed. When the mother returns, she is both eager for contact and rebels against her mother's reassurance, showing an ambivalent attitude.
So, from the point of view of attachment theory, we can knowThe situation in which a young child is cared for by his parents directly determines his attachment type later in life.
So, in the infancy of the child, the parents completelyIgnore the needs of your child, then its adulthood is typicalAvoidant attachmentMode; If the parents are absent-minded,For a while, he loves his children, and for a while he ignores them, then the child will develop laterAnxious attachment
2. Some partners may say that I still don't know which attachment type I am?
Then we useTwo dimensions to judge:
If youEnjoy intimacy with your lover (low avoidance).Overall satisfaction with loveI don't always worry about my lover's change of heart (low anxiety)., then you belong to the secure attachment style.
If you desire to have an intimate relationship with your lover (low avoidance), butOften insecure about the development of a relationship, for loversVery sensitive to behavioral details (high anxiety)., you pretty much belongAnxious attachment style
If youI don't like to get too close to my lover, thinksIndependence and freedom are more important than romance (high degree of avoidance).Don't worry about your lover's change of heart (low anxiety).and you belongAvoidant attachment style.
If youNeitherI like to be too close to my loverWorried againYour lover's feelings for you change, and you probably belongAnxious avoidant attachment style,The population of this styleThe percentage is small
If you're one of them, then it's for anxious and avoidant peopleSuggestions will help you.
3. Pay attention to understanding attachment theory.
Most people in society, regardless of whether they are just beginning to fall in loveJuvenileIt's still white-headed and oldCouples, can find their own style from attachment theory.
Initially it was thought that the attachment style was mainly influenced by the environment of childhood, that is, ifParents care about their children, are sensitive to their children's emotions, understand their children's needs and actively rescue them, then the child will grow up to be a secure attachment style.
If this is not done, avoidant attachment and ambivalent attachment (also known as anxious attachment) may develop, and very few people have both avoidant and anxious traits.
Fourth, these theoretical assumptions seem plausible but not accurate and comprehensive.
Today, research reports tell us that there are many factors that influence the formation of attachment style, and the environment is only one of them, but there are many other factors, including our life experiences, which are also key factors.
So Xiao Tu tips:You can't blame your parents for being insecure and attached
Some people may ask, once the style is determined, will it accompany the person for a lifetime?
Actually, it's notOn average, about 25% of people change their attachment style every 4 years.
However, the problem now is that many people do not understand attachment theory, are not clear about their attachment style, let alone realize the change.
If we can consciously steer our attachment style towards a secure type, then oursLove life will usher in a better tomorrow, and no longer as stormy as a lonely boat in the sea.
With attachment theory, we are able to see the current state of our relationship with those around us, and even the future of their relationship.
It doesn't matter if a person starts a relationship or not, no matter what stage of the relationship they are incan learn and apply attachment theory.
It doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl, a couple holding hands for the first time, a couple who is married, a divorce, or a lovelorn reunion, you can do itFind effective and practical approaches within the framework of attachment theory
5. Are you anxious attachment?
Take 2 minutes to put it to the test! In the questionnaire below, please:Tick the box after the description that matches you
1.I often worry that my partner won't love me anymore.
2.I was afraid that people would dislike me once they knew who I really was.
3.I feel anxious when I'm not in love, and life feels like something is missing.
4.When my partner isn't with me, I worry if he's crushing on someone else.
5.When I confide in my partner, I worry that they will find out that I am not good.
6.I'm often troubled by love.
7.I quickly developed a sense of dependence on my partner.
8.I am sensitive to my partner's mood changes.
9.I'm worried that if my current partner leaves me, I'll never find someone who loves me again.
10.If I have a conflict with my lover, I sometimes say something without thinking, do something, say and do something extreme, and then regret it later.
11.I was worried that I was not charismatic.
12.If I find out that the person I like doesn't like me and likes someone else, I feel very sad.
13.If my partner is a little cold and distant, I suspect that I have done something wrong.
If aboveComply with 4 or more articles, then you may have an anxious attachment style.
6. Are you like this as an anxious type?
You love to be with your lover, be intimate, and crave deep intimacy.
However, you are often in a state of uncertainty and worry that your lover will not be close enough to you. Emotional problems consume most of your mental energy and make you tired.
You are prone to detect subtle fluctuations in your love life and are very sensitive to your lover's emotions and behaviors.
In many cases, while it is true that a lover's emotions fluctuate as much as you feel, it is not necessarily caused by you as you think.
In a relationship, you often give yourself negative hints and have severe mood swings. Sometimes, you speak and act impulsively, which hurts your lover and hurts your feelings.
When you become aware of your negative emotions, you will feel remorse. If your lover can give you enough comfort and security, you will feel relaxed and content.
If you find that you are anxious and do not know how to solve and improve it, you can seek a professional counselor to communicate with you in depth
7. Does your partner have an anxious attachment style?
If your partner has an anxious attachment style, he may behave like this:
1.A lot of intimacy is needed in a relationship.
At the beginning of the relationship, he promised to go on vacation together, live together, or stick together all day (not necessarily he asked for this). Very fond of physical contact, such as holding hands, caressing, kissing.
2.Insecurity and fear of rejection.
Cross-examine your past and compare yourself to your ex.
Test if you have any feelings for your ex. Willing to do anything to make you happy. Fear that you will no longer love him, or lose interest in him.
3.It's not happy if you don't have a lover.
Even if he doesn't say it, you can feel that he really wants to find someone to fall in love with. Sometimes, dating him is like being interviewed for a "future spouse."
4.In order to capture your heart, some emotional tricks are played.
You don't fight ** for a few days, he pretends not to care.
Pretend to be busy. In order to make you more interested in him, try to manipulate some situations.
5.Don't explain why you're angry, let you guess.
Thought you could read and wait for you to find out that he was angry. If you don't notice, he'll get angry.
6.Vent your anger and don't want to solve the problem.
When arguing, coerce you to break up, and then regret it. Never say what you want, but accumulate a lot of resentment, and finally attack you together.
7.See all the friction in the relationship as your dissatisfaction with him.
He throws a party where you can't attend overtime, and he thinks "you just don't want to see my friend". When you get home you feel tired and don't want to talk, he thinks "you don't love me anymore".
8.To avoid rejection or harm, don't take the initiative to confess to you.
You call him **, and he gives you **; You show love to him, and he shows it to you. Don't dare to risk a little injury.
9.attaches great importance to the relationship, and the mind is completely occupied by it.
After the date, you go home tired and go to sleep. And he went back to analyze and discuss every detail of your meeting with his friends.
When you're not together, he keeps texting, or suddenly he gets cold, doesn't call a single one, doesn't send a single text message.
10.I am afraid that you will dislike him because of some small things, and think that you must work very hard to maintain your love.
Say to you, "I called you so much ** today, don't you feel annoyed";
Or "I didn't behave well in front of your family, they must not like me".
8. Your partner is anxious, what should I do?
Anxious Lover1As long as you are willing to understand his inner thoughts, you will find that anxiety is not all a bad thing.
Your lover craves intimacy, and as soon as he realizes that the slightest threat is in his relationship, he will think that something big has happened.
Sometimes, your unintentional actions are exaggerated by him, and he feels that there is a problem with the relationship, so he becomes very panicked. Unfortunately, he's not very good at communicating with you what you're feeling. He thinks that tantrums and quarrels will solve the problem, but unexpectedly they cause you unhappiness.
As a result, he gets depressed and your relationship goes into a vicious circle. This situation sounds scary, but you don't have to worry.
As long as you are careful and calm his panicked heart, he will fall in love with you and be full of love and dependence on you.
Once you have met his basic need for security, his sensitive heart will turn to what you need and do his best to support you.
What's even better is that as your relationship improves, he'll learn how to communicate with you better, and you'll have less to guess what's going on in his mind.
The growth of one person can also change the relationship between two people, and of course it is a very fortunate thing if both people are willing to grow together
Xiao Di's second prompt:If you encounter problems in intimacy that cannot be solved, you need to find a professional counselor to further your needs, and I believe that professional counseling will help you.
Bibliography of this article:
Reading the Lover's Heart", "The Formation of Attachment".