Yesterday I chatted with a few friends in the group, and when I talked about what girls hated the most in their relationships, almost all girls said that they hated it the mostMen say they like you while belittleing you in getting along. Only one girl didn't quite understand: isn't this a love story? How to say, if a woman herself says that she has shortcomings, and the man says that he does not think it is a problem and hopes that the girl will not be self-indulgent, then this can be seen as an expression of emotion. 
ButIf it's just the man who says what kind of shortcomings the woman has and at the same time says, "Although you have a lot of problems with me, I don't dislike you", then it can't be regarded as a love story. Two days ago, I also swiped a female blogger who said that every ex of her best friend would say something similar, "So-and-so (others) say that you are not good-looking, only I think you are good-looking", and so on. 
So they all became exes. Because she does not accept this kind of suppressed suppression in disguise. This seems to be expressing "I like you", but in fact, the focus is on the first half of the sentence, what they really want to express is that you are not good enough, I can like you even like this, I am really great, you have to be grateful. Further, you have to be with me to the death, and if you miss me, no other man will like you, and you see that no one recognizes you except me. This kind of rhetoric, as long as the man uses it properly, and the woman is confused enough, it can easily become a kind of mental manipulation, and the man suppresses the woman's self by repeatedly and frequently emphasizing the woman's shortcomings, and by the way, he elevates himself, deliberately devaluing and packaging in the name of "like", once the girl herself is relatively lacking in self-identity, she will inevitably be led away. There is an equally common means of this:"Establish rules".
A friend told me about her strange ex, who likes to use "I won't marry you like this" as a threat, and any words and deeds he doesn't like about her will rise to "be careful that I don't marry you", constantly trying to control her with "what kind of you are suitable to be my wife".
Fortunately, she reacted quickly, and it didn't take long for her to realize the problem, and soon the man became an ex.
But not all "rules" are so straightforward, sometimes it will be very hidden, such as a girl's message before, her love partner will use cold violence to "punish" her, at every turn is "you make me unhappy, punish you for not being able to contact me for a week". For some girls, this so-called "punishment" may be ineffective, who are you and follow me.
But for some girls, the "punishment" will make them afraid, so that they are afraid of getting such "punishment" again, and unconsciously obey the rules unilaterally set by the man. I've mentioned the concept of "dog whistle" before, and now it's also used to refer to the way in which a partner is controlled by setting rules. 
Pouring cold water on you when you are happy, forcing you to conform to his preferences and standards, and coercing and inducing you to influence your behavior are all "dog whistles". Or borrow external standards to put pressure on you, and cleverly replace "you want to be a woman I like" with "you want to be a woman that everyone likes", and he can get away with it, after all, it will become"It's not that I ask you to be like this, women are like this".
You can't say what the problem is, and it's not easy to describe this feeling to other people, so it's just a "dog whistle" tailored to you, and it loses external support, and it's easy to make you "sensible and obedient". Not to mention that many ways of "making rules" are still under the banner of "I'm here for your good". I brushed it a while ago, a girl saw a news that a woman was hurt by a male colleague and sent it to her boyfriend. 
As a result, her boyfriend gave her a sentence, "You pay attention to safety, otherwise I don't want you if something happens, and the bride price will be halved."
It's really a "bride price", and he can't forget that little bride price. The girl in the back got angry, and he said it was a joke.
Is this a joke? This is clearly true. Even if there is no news to base upon, the meaning of this sentence is already very clear: I will marry you only if you are "clean and innocent", I will marry you if you listen to me, and I will marry you if you meet my rules, otherwise I will "don't want you". On the surface, this seems to be a concern, "I'm also afraid that something will happen to you", but in fact it is still a threat.
Once the girl also agrees with this value, that is, "a woman is happy when she is wanted by a man and married by a man", she has to succumb to this set of rules, and once and again, she completes a perfect mental control. I once thought that most of the girls nowadays don't eat this set, and this kind of rhetoric should slowly become extinct, but recently I found out that there are still many men who are using this kind of inferior and dirty means, and there are really girls who will be fooled by these methods, and even think that love is like this.
It's not a relationshipIt's a form of abuse, a psychological abuse built on mind control. 
A person always makes you feel that you are not good enough, you are not worthy of him, you have to work very hard to cater to his needs in exchange for a sentence "I will marry you", "I will be with you well", in essence, they are all creating a status gap between you and him, so that he can manipulate you. 
And this kind of rhetoric and means can be effective, and it is precisely the low self-identity and longing of many girls that they have for marriage. Because of the lack of self-identity, he takes "being liked by a man" too seriously, and when the other party expresses "you are not good or that is not good, but I like you", "others don't look down on you, only I don't dislike you", I mistakenly think that this is the highest affirmation of myself.
Because I have been looking forward to the beautiful story of falling in love with a man from love to marriage, I also take "whether he will marry me" too seriously, and when the other party expresses "I will marry you if you do this", "whether I will marry you depends on your performance", he subconsciously began to transform himself.
A woman who is not loved by a man is a failure", "A love that does not come to marriage is a failure", "The value of a woman is to get married, and it is to be favored by a man", "Which man dares to ask you in the future" ......These false values have shaped a woman's low self, and she cannot affirm her own worth except to be accepted by a man who needs to be accepted by a man.
This constitutes a great opportunity for some men to exert mental manipulation, and it has also become the main reason why many girls are deeply involved. Low self-identity leads to the inability to judge the true intentions of the other party, and after being belittled in disguise, it aggravates the low self-identity, making it easier to accept that you are being belittled, and the cycle is endless. Even if you react and want to get out, there is still a huge sunk cost of this relationship.
But this is really not a normal mode of emotional relationship, it is not so much a love, but a kind of charity, a man gives a woman a good impression and appreciation, and gives a chance to "you are lucky enough to marry me". At this point, two people are already seriously unequal, and it has nothing to do with liking or love. Women don't need such alms either.