Author丨He Miao**丨Insight into Parents (ID: FMCZS100).
Recently, I have privately messaged my parents, and they all said that they cannot communicate with their children at all.
Especially adolescent children.
Either they turn a deaf ear and their hearts are closed, or they speak ill of each other and have constant conflicts. This is the norm in many families. China Youth Daily has done a survey, and the data shows that:
More than 749% of parents are frustrated because they don't know how to communicate with their adolescent children. Why is it so hard to communicate with an adolescent? The problem is not with the children, but with the wrong way of communication for our parents. 
Why do children get annoyed when you speak? In parent-child relationships, a lot of us parents are just going on"Pseudo-communication".。There are three common patterns –1. Emphasis on preaching and strong purposeThere was a girl who told about herself"Block a parent".Causes. When she was a child, she painted a picture and happily showed it to her father, but his father sighed and said, "What's the use of you painting these, you won't be able to rely on this to eat in the future." She confided in her mother, and her table mate kept saying bad things about herself behind her back, and her mother reproached
I told you not to make some indiscriminate friends a long time ago, and now you know that you are wrong! "No matter what you share, you will face a lot of blame and criticism from your parents. She said bitterlyI just want to talk to you, not listen to you! 
Since then, she has completely closed the door to her parents.
When we talk with the goal of making children obedient and obedient, this is not communication, but preaching. Over time, it will only cause children to get bored and rebellious and deliberately disagree with their parents. As Professor Li Meijin said:"Parents talk to adolescent children endlessly, which is the most useless education. ”Children don't need your discipline, they need your love and understanding. 2. Yiyantang, absolute authorityTell me about a case study from a consulting room. A 14-year-old boy, in his second year of junior high school, has parent-child conflicts, is unable to communicate, and is tired of school and is on suspension. He said to himself"I can't stand my mom so much, I have to listen to her for everything! ”It turned out that from childhood to adulthood, his mother gave him the right to choose on the surface, but in fact, he was a word. When the family renovated the new house, his mother asked him what he wanted to decorate the room. After he finished talking about his ideas, his mother denied them one by one, and finally renovated according to his mother's wishes. When he went out to buy clothes and shoes, his mother asked him to choose them himself. As a result, I chose it, but my mother said, "White is not good-looking, and it is not resistant to dirt, so change it." "In the end, I bought it home, and it was still my mother's favorite style. The inequality of this parent-child relationship and the weakness of communication made him accumulate a lot of dissatisfaction. In adolescence, the sense of autonomy develops rapidly, and the contradictions and conflicts with parents become more and more intense. From being tired of every word your parents say, to now having nothing to say. 3. Emotional, focusing on ventingThe show "Super Parenter" has a daily life of mother and son. The boy was playing a game, and his mother urged him to do his homework, but he was dissatisfied and fought and abused each other with his mother. The boy cursed his mother: You have a problem, I will play until you die! The phenomenon of extreme rebellion has a lot to do with the way my mother usually communicates. In the process of educating children, she often communicates with emotion: "Have you given me your heart? Stand up for me! ”
I might as well raise you as a dog. ”
If you get angry with me sooner, you will be blessed. ”…In this way of emotional communication, there is no emotion, only emotional venting. The educational book "Positive Discipline" points outParental emotional management can lead to hatred, revenge, and rebellion. 
How do you say that children are willing to listen? In the face of adolescent children, what do parents say, and children will listen? What to do for the child to speak? 1. Be attentive - let your child be willing to listen to youAlbert Herabion, an American psychologist, once proposed a communication skill: the 7-38-55 rule. What are you talking about? In communication,Language plays a 7% role, intonation and speed of speech account for 38%, and facial expressions and movements account for 55%. In other words, whether the communication is smooth and harmonious is not based on what you say, but on your tone and attitude. Words can be disguised, but tone and attitude can't deceive people. Do we really communicate with our children out of love, understanding, and trust, and children can really feel it? During the Spring Festival, the figurines collected by my niece, who was in the first year of junior high school, were damaged by the children of relatives. She confided in her mother, who comforted her
"Don't be sad, it's not just a plastic toy, go back and ask your dad to buy it for you. ”After hearing this, the niece suddenly roared at her mother: What do you know! In the end, it ended in conflict. Why do children react so much? Because it seems that the mother is comforting, but in fact she does not respect her mood and feelings. What a child needs is for us to truly accept his feelings. 2. Silence - give children a chance to speakParent-child conflicts in adolescence are often caused by parents talking too much. Excessive nagging and non-stop preaching are difficult to accept for adolescent children who are fighting for autonomy. In addition, parents express too much, which will also deprive children of the desire to communicate. Only when parents keep their mouths shut will children have a chance to speak. The American psychologist Thomas Gordon once said:"Saying nothing (shut up) can also be a clear and unambiguous expression of acceptance. ”Silence is also a very effective non-verbal message when communicating with your child. At the same time, you can add some actions, such as nodding, looking directly into the eyes, holding hands, hugging, etc. Give your child the opportunity to express himself and feel accepted, and he will open up to us. Communication is an art, and communicating with adolescents requires the art of listening and silence.
3. Three-self communication - let the child not replyWhat is the "three-self communication"?
1) I fact: clearly describe the behavior or event you observed 2) I feel: describe the emotional feeling that arises from a specific behavior of the other person. 3) I create: express your expectations and needs clearly and clearly. For example, seeing a child locked in a room all day playing games can be blamed for -
"You don't talk to me all day, you don't communicate, you lock yourself in your room, you know how to play games. It's a procrastination to do anything, and you see what the grades have fallen into. You used to be so well-behaved, but now you are getting older and more ignorant. ”When this sentence is spoken, the child will not only not listen, but will also cause greater conflict. If you use "three self communication", it is like this-
"Child, when I see you lock yourself in your room and stop talking to your mother, your mother will feel a little sad and sad. Whenever I see you playing games in my room, my heart is anxious, I hope we can sit down and talk, and Mom hopes to understand your confusion and face the growing pains with you. ”Replacing the subject with me can speak more to the child's heart, and the effect is completely different.
Psychologist He Lingfeng once said:
"What is a parent-child relationship? If you can maintain a normal relationship with your child, you will have influence on him. If you can't have a normal relationship with him, you won't be influential. ”Good communication is a prerequisite for maintaining a normal relationship with your child. Adolescence is the period of greatest tension between parents and children, and it is also the last period of remedial relations for relationships. The future of our children's relationship with us depends on the current communication pattern. Click"Watching".May every parent be able to speak well to their adolescent children.
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