Here's what a reader wrote:
My wife and I are both in the countryside, and we both stayed in the provincial capital to work through the entrance examination, but the difference is that I am an only child, and my wife has a younger brother who is 7 years younger than her. When I fell in love with my wife, or felt that our family background was comparable, our educational experience was comparable, and our earning power was comparable, and we felt that we were quite suitable for each other, we got married, and in the third year of marriage, we bought a house in the city where we worked and were burdened with a 30-year mortgage. The reason why I considered buying a house at the beginning was because my wife was pregnant and wanted to create a warm environment for the children to grow up.
In the blink of an eye, my wife and I have been married for 8 years, and during these 8 years, our lives have been quite tight. At this time, the brother-in-law was facing marriage, and the parents-in-law asked his wife to buy a house for the brother-in-law in his hometown, and the key was that the wife agreed. So, my wife borrowed 450,000 yuan to help my brother-in-law buy a house in full payment in their hometown county (the 450,000 yuan was borrowed from relatives and friends, and some were borrowed from banks). I was very angry about this, and my wife's rhetoric was: 1) Can you bear to be the last in my mother's family? 2) You should marry a wife who has no income. My choking on my wife: If we are in love, you don't have a stable job, do you think I will consider marrying you? Wife: I have taken out a loan to buy a house, what do you say I should do?
Let's briefly talk about the situation of the brother-in-law: the brother-in-law is considered an "old" son to the parents-in-law, so that the brother-in-law lives a life of being "spoiled" by his parents-in-law in the process of growing up. So much so that when my brother-in-law got married, he only worked in a private company (often changing jobs, and he belonged to the kind of fishing for three days and drying nets for two days at work), and when he got married, he couldn't even take out 10,000 yuan.
Because the parents-in-law are farmers, the mother-in-law has been a housewife all her life, and the father-in-law can still do some hard work to make ends meet when he is young, but as the father-in-law grows older, he can only earn some easy money over the years, barely able to take care of the family's daily expenses. It means that the 450,000 yuan loan that my wife raised for my brother-in-law needs to be repaid by my wife and me. The point is, we have a mortgage, children to support, and at least living expenses, and my parents are also farmers. So, I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately, and I've even had thoughts of getting divorced.
Mu Zi Li emotion**:
At this time, it is easier to understand that brothers and sisters help each other, but you can't show a white prostitution posture in front of your brothers and sisters, and you shouldn't let your brothers and sisters bear more expenses than you at the level of buying a house. At this time, even if the siblings have no objections, their lovers will inevitably appear unhappy. For this reason, when people help their brothers and sisters, they should take their own lives into account, rather than showing nonsensical selflessness, especially when their own days are also tight. We can't ignore the reality: some women, after getting married, have no bottom line for their mother's family, in this case, it may lead to the collapse of the marriage.
I often hear women say when they are helping their younger brothers: 1) I am such a younger brother, I don't help him, who will help him? 2) Can you bear to watch my mother's family die? 3) Right when you marry a wife with no income! However, the woman's argument is a bit nonsense: 1) If you don't have a stable job, the man may not consider marrying you; 2) Your brother is important in your heart, but not as important as your lover and children, right? 3) It is better to give people fish than to give people to fish, if the brother of the mother's family belongs to the existence of the wall, even if you help him get married, you dare to guarantee that his married life can last forever? 4) There is still a difference between siblings and parents, remember, you are only the sister of your younger brother, not your parents, even in the help link, you should not exceed your authority.
I can understand your mood very well at the moment, the point of your anger is not that your wife gave help to your brother-in-law when he got married, but that he thinks that moderate help is enough, not in the case of debt, to help your brother-in-law buy a house in full, because you are still burdened with a mortgage, still have to bear the growth expenses of your children, and have to cope with the living expenses of the family. You'll also need to give each other's parents some money each month to cover their living expenses. So much so that when your wife borrowed 450,000 yuan for your brother-in-law, you felt unprecedented pressure. As a result, you will feel bored living with your wife, and the idea of divorce will arise.
The reason why you didn't say your idea of divorce in front of your wife, or you were not mentally prepared for the divorce, or if you really want to face divorce, you also have your own concerns: 1) The house is the joint property of you and your wife after marriage, once the divorce is divorced, it will involve the problem of dividing the house, and now the house is still burdened with a loan, and even if it is evenly distributed, the money you get is not enough to support you to buy a house in the city where you work again; 2) Your children are still young and can't bear to let them grow up in a divorced family; 3) There is no problem with the relationship between you and your wife; 4) After divorce or in the process of reorganizing a family, you will also encounter various problems. In this case, then give up the idea of divorce, and in the future life, become the person in charge of money in the family, so as to help your brother-in-law stop loss in time.
In the world, there is such a description: one monk carries water to drink, two monks carry water to drink, and three monks have no water to drink. For this reason, in families with more siblings, the pattern of getting along with siblings should be as follows:
1. Brothers and sisters can help each other, and "mutuality" is very important, rather than allowing yourself to show a wronged posture in front of your brothers and sisters. Let's be clear here: from a legal point of view, lovers and children are much closer than siblings. For this reason, it is best to maintain the principle of clear settling accounts between brothers and sisters. In the help link, it should be moderate, otherwise it will inevitably cause dissatisfaction among lovers and children.
Second, the cruel reality that needs to be acknowledged, after siblings get married, siblings are relatives with each other, because each other has their own families to manage. At this time, the movement between brothers and sisters: when it comes to red and white ceremonies, give appropriate support; During the New Year's holidays, a minimum reunion is given; On weekdays, give the least of care and greetings; When it comes to money, there is no lower limit to help.
3. Inheritance is a very important part of life, which means that after you become a parent, you must consider the future of your children. The obvious truth in this is that if you are relatively not wealthy, if you help your siblings too much, it must be based on weakening your children's material interests. At this time, it will inevitably cause dissatisfaction among your children, and even make your children hostile to your siblings. For this reason, at the level of helping brothers and sisters, do not slap a swollen face and become fat.
Editor's note: People live a lifetime, and while they need to be nourished by love, they also need to maintain family affection and friendship, but in all relationships, there should be a distinction between primary and secondary, if you always show an inverted posture at the primary and secondary level, you will inevitably make your life a mess. A cruel reality: when you always show a selfless posture in front of your relatives, you may not be good, because when your relatives are used to your help, suddenly one day you give up helping, you will become a bad person in the eyes of your relatives.
In addition, you also need to understand the truth that there is no lower limit to help relatives, which will inevitably cause dissatisfaction among lovers and children. For this reason, there is a high probability that there is no lower limit for relatives: they are not people inside and out. As an adult, you need to understand the art of being a person: once you often show the kindness of overstepping your authority, you can't get yourself a good person card, and even because others are used to your help, you will take your help for granted.
*from the web, **unrelated).
Marriage