**："Companion".Magazine December 2023 Issue 535 P36 "Marriage and Love Clinic".
Expert of this issue: Chen Jie, psychological counselor of Guangzhou Hearing Bar Psychological Counseling Center, national ** psychological counselor, member of Guangdong Psychological Association, member of Psychoanalysis Professional Committee.
Mr. Wu consulted.
My wife and I have been in love and married for 5 years, and our relationship has always been good. We are both only children, and we have stable and busy jobs, so when we first got married, both parents rushed over to take care of us and wanted to ease the burden for us. But the more contacts I had with me, the more conflicts I had, the relationship between my parents-in-law and my parents-in-law was very stiff, and the relationship between my wife and my parents also plummeted.
So, in order to reduce friction with each other's parents, we decided not to let our parents come and live with us. But on the first day after our parents left, we had a heated argument. The reason for the quarrel is actually very simple, it is for a meal!
I don't understand why other people's wives are good wives and mothers who take care of the affairs of the house, but my wife is so pampered that she doesn't know how to do housework, let alone cook a meal.
Every time I talk about housework, my wife is very angry and keeps shouting that it is unfair, saying that both of us have jobs to support the family together, so why should she do the housework, and let me share it.
I can't understand that my family has never had a tradition of letting men do housework, why do men do housework? So we insisted on each other's words, and we went to the restaurant outside to solve the problem every day, and that's itIt's been a noisy almost year
I'm really fed up with days like this, I'm bored and distressed, and my wife feels the same way. I never thought that doing housework would be so difficult to handle, completely inexperienced, and I really didn't know what to do?
*From the TV series "Chinese Divorce".
Teacher Chen Jie answered.
The problem of Mr. Wu and his wife seems to be a problem of "doing housework", but in factThe root cause comes from the difference in perception between the two sides, as wellCouples communicate and interact in the face of their differencesand, more importantly, how do they adapt to their new married life and get along as husband and wife after being separated from their parents' care?
CouplesBoth are only children, can also be seen from the side from the "scramble to take care" of the parents of both parties after marriageBoth are inexperienced in independent livingIn other words, they are inhibited and deprived of the development of their ability to live independently and take care of themselves. Therefore, in addition to the difference in perception, communication and adaptation problems,The problem of lack of ability to live, tooThe direction in which both husband and wife grow and progress together.
In Mr. Wu's mindset, housework seems to be the preserve of women. Of course, this is true of the traditions of the ages. However, the family structure and labor distribution of "male head outside, female head inside" were also adapted to the social and cultural background of the time. Modern society advocates equality between men and women, and both husband and wife have their own careers and jobs in marriage, so the distribution of housework is more in accordance with the principle of sharing responsibilities and helping each other.
The difference in the concept of the husband and wife is actually the epitome of the conflict between the old and new concepts. Dealing with such conflicts,The best way is to reach a consensus and seek common ground while reserving differences on the basis of mutual understanding and effective communication.
The husband and wife are unable to understand each other's concepts, perhaps because they oppose each other's concepts and sit on the basis of right and wrong, however, this is not a question of right and wrong, but the change and adaptation of concepts brought about by the progress of the times. Let go of right and wrong and oppositionAfterTogether, both parties may be able to think about why housework is so difficult for them to deal with and coordinate.
In addition, we might as well think about it, in their respective families of origin, they are all the children who are taken care of, and they are also used to being taken care of by their parents, so in the married life after **, we still have the same idea, do we hope that our partners will take care of themselves like parents take care of their children?
Are two adults with the same expectations really in a state of marriage?
Husbands and wives insist on each other's words and do not give in to each other, so why not the two children do not compromise on the topic of who plays the role of parents?
Marriage is the life of two adults, and it implies responsibilities and obligations that need to be shared and managed together. Whether it is for future development, financial decisions, we need to discuss together, and we need to take responsibility for each other's housework.
*Excerpt from "Bouquet of Love".
Of course, after a hard day's work, I hope to have a hot meal and a hot soup at home, so that my tired heart can be soothed and resped. When living with my parents, it has become the norm to eat ready-made meals when I go home, and it is even more common, but now, the psychological imbalance caused by the gap in life after marriage requires time and strength to adjust and adapt.
Both husband and wife are only children, and while they have been properly cared for by their parents since childhood, they have also been deprived of the ability to take care of themselves. Then in the future married life, after being separated from the care of parents, the ability to live independently will also have room to be displayed, which will also become the direction of the couple's common growth and progress.
Perhaps, the reality of doing housework is only a part of your suppressed ability to be displayed, and there will be more parts in the future, when you grow up alone, it is inevitable to be lonely, grow up together, accompany each other, isn't it a kind of luck!
Chen Jie
Hear about it, junior counselor at the Psychological Counseling Center.
National ** Psychological Counselor.
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society.
Member of the Professional Council of Psychoanalysis.
end
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i Hear about it
I heard about it, a psychological institution, 16 years of word of mouth.
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