Imagine the following scenario:
When you suddenly couldn't find your phone and asked your husband if he had seen it, he said:
"Don't you have long eyes, won't you look for it yourself? ”
When you moved, you accidentally broke your leg, Mom and Dad said
If you can't do such a simple job, what else can you do? ”
When you ask your child if he has finished his homework, he says:
"Can you write so fast when I have three heads and six arms? ”
How do you feel when you hear these words?
Suffocate.
Nameless fire.
A good sentence, just express it normally, and you have to change it to a "rhetorical question" to choke people.
Recently,"How annoying is habitually rhetorical questions".It has become a hot topic of a certain sound.
exceeded1000wThe number of people watching is enough to illustrate:
The "rhetorical question" hit everyone's heart.
After all, the contempt and impatience of the rhetorical question.
I can always choke back the words that have come to my mouth.
Hit the fire, right? It doesn't seem like a big deal, it's not necessary. ”
Digest it yourself, right? This sulking breath is really not so easy to swallow, I can't promise the mammary glands. ”
This feeling of not being able to swallow and not being able to spit it out.
mostDiaphragm response personFinish.
After a long time, it has even become the "** dynamite" in many couples and parent-child relationships.
Normally, everything is fine.
But as soon as you encounter a little thing, it will blow up all at once.
Habitual rhetorical questionsPush loving couples to the brink of divorceA netizen once shared, "I almost divorced because of a rhetorical question before."
At that time, she had just come out of confinement, and she was exhausted by taking care of her children every day.
One day, after my husband got off work, he casually "complained":
I'm so tired from work today. ”
She didn't even think about it, and blurted out:
"Isn't it tiring for me to take care of the kids at home? ”
In an instant, the "flames of war" between the two were ignited.
Talking about trivial things, you are arguing with me all the time.
The war "lasted three days and three nights, and even caused the couple to separate."
At the end of the quarrel, the husband bowed his head.
He said to his wife with tears in his eyes
"I mean I've worked hard, but I haven't denied that you've worked hard, and I don't think I'm the hardest person in my family. ”
Can you please stop arguing with me. ”
The husband's "humble peace" made netizens soft-hearted.
Afterwards, she reflected on herself:
"Before, I didn't realize that subconsciously asking rhetorical questions would cause so much emotional damage. ”
Whether it's her husband or herself, "hard work" is a fact.
But once it is said with a rhetorical question, there is a hidden layer of comparison and belittling "off-string sound":
"I'm working harder than you, and you don't deserve to complain".
Who can be comfortable hearing this?
Husbands and wives are teammates in the same boat, not rivals.
Sometimes it is understandable to "complain" a few words because of work and life.
It's just because of these heartfelt words, I can't talk to others, I can only talk to my lover.
It's not a big deal, just answer a mouthful, coax, and hug it.
But the "subconscious rhetorical question" is just like an amplifier.
not only amplified the original negative emotions of the partner, but even triggered his own grievances and complaints.
Small things make big things, and the gains outweigh the losses!
If the above example is still an "unintentional mistake", then the following story is really a rhetorical question to "malicious harm".
I once saw a Ms. Liu's sharing:
I and my husband have entered middle age, and their passion has faded.
I can't speak five sentences a day.
Sometimes, in order to liven up the atmosphere, she has nothing to say:
Husband, what are you looking at? ”
Who knew that my husband didn't react at all.
Ask a few more times and it will provoke a sudden outburst:
"Blind? I won't see it myself! ”
In an instant, a chill spread from the hair to the heels.
There is no desire to speak.
also ended up with a stomach full of grievances.
Husbands and wives have lived together for a long time, and sometimes because of work or trivial matters, they have a bad temper and accidentally hurt each other.
It's hard to avoid. But if you turn "accidental injury" into "daily life".
even use the "rhetorical question" as a sharp weapon to stab at the opponent's weakness.
It's really too "bastard".
No one should be your "punching bag", and should take your ignorance and malicious harm as a matter of course.
Partner, even less.
Habitual rhetorical questionsTurning the child from a victim to a perpetratorIf it is said that the "habitual rhetorical question" between husband and wife is mainly to "bury mines" for the relationship between the twoThen the "habitual rhetorical question" between parents and children destroys the child's future more.
Netizen Qingzi had a car accident when she was just in college before.
The first thing she said when she woke up was:
"I'm fine, please don't tell my family. ”
At that moment, his injuries were not serious, and he didn't need to be taken care of, Qingzi didn't care.
What she fears the most is that if her family finds out, they will definitely scold her:
"Don't you avoid the car when you walk?! ”
Even thinking of her parents' tone and demeanor, Qingzi trembled.
This kind of conditioned reflex stems from the fact that Aoko's family has not spoken well to her since she was a child:
It's obviously something happy for her, but I have to say it in a sarcastic tone;
When he should care about his daughter, he always blames him first.
Coincidentally. Netizen A Xiang also has a shadow in his heart because of his mother's perennial "habitual rhetorical questions".
When I was a child, my mother asked Ah Xiang to help with things.
Ah Xiang didn't know the specific location of the thing, so he asked casually
Where's the thing? ”
It was just a normal question, but it made my mother suddenly angry:
"Come, in my hands! Don't you have your own eyes, won't you look for them? ”
Until Ah Xiang grew up, whenever he encountered difficulties, he would still unconsciously think of his mother's swearing.
He subconsciously felt that others would scold him like his mother.
So, never ask for help.
For fear that someone will find out that they have a problem and don't understand.
Verbal Abuse
"Verbal abuse can have a more lasting impact than other forms of abuse because it tends to be more subtle and continuous. ”
Some people, even after 20 years, still cry unconsciously as long as they recall the verbal violence of their childhood.
As Ah Xiang said:
"As much as I've always loved my mom, I still have a long way to go when it comes to self-healing. ”
In the American drama "Angry Life", it was said:
"Parents will pass on the 'harmful substances' from themselves to the next generation. ”
The screenshot comes from the American drama "Angry Life".
At the least, it is to raise children who lack self-confidence and are difficult to get rid of the psychological shadow;
In the worst case, it may also educate the child to be a person who speaks ill of each other.
The screenshot is from the British drama "Melrose".
A lot of "people who have come over" share:
Because since childhood, he has been immersed in the verbal violence of his parents' "habitual rhetorical questions".
Even if you have the heart to adjust when you grow up, you will always "expose your nature" when you are angry, and it is difficult to **.
In the end, the former "victims" became the "perpetrators" of the new round.
Alas, it's kind of ironic to think about it.
Habitual rhetorical questionsLet the unspoken real needs have nowhere to goWhether it's a husband and wife or a parent-child relationship.
The reason why the rhetorical question makes people feel diaphragmatic is not only that it blocks the desire we expressWhat's more, it makes the real needs of our hearts "silenced".
Just like the aforementioned Ms. Liu.
Obviously to add some "flavor" to the dull middle-aged couple life, I have nothing to say.
But the husband's rhetorical question extinguished the wife's enthusiasm.
You know, chatting is not the point, you want to enhance the relationship between husband and wife.
Or maybe it's like some children who are having trouble finding a job and are very depressed and want to talk to their parents.
As a result, the parents' sentence "Who told you to choose this major in the first place?" It made people speechless in an instant.
At that moment, all the child wants is the unconditional support of his parents.
It's a sentence "It's okay, there will always be work".
But rhetorical questioning, leaving this need nowhere:
Before he could say anything, he had already choked back;
The grievances have not been complained, and they have been blocked back in their hearts.
That's what really stings.
In addition, when looking at netizens' opinions on "habitual rhetorical questions".
I also found another interesting phenomenon.
It seems that many wives are very "supportive" of habitual rhetorical questions:
"I'll talk well, but the previous question was normal. ”
Subsequently, netizens listed the "Contemporary Husband's Speechless Problem Record":
"The clothes in the washing machine are washed, and I ask if I want to take them out to dry? ”After eating, ask if you want to put it in the refrigerator? ”
Do you want to take out the garbage at home? ”
The child peed, ask if the diaper should be thrown away? ”
The child broke the bowl and asked me if I wanted to clean it up. ”
Of course, I don't deny that some may really be lacking in "life skills".
But it sounds like there's a similar subtext:
The clothes are washed, and you go to dry. ”
The child pees, you come and wash it. ”
There's garbage at home, you go and take it out. ”
Did you find out? It turns out that behind the brainless problem, there is often a father or husband who "habitually dumps the pot".
And the wives' rhetorical questions at the moment are more like venting their anger.
This kind of question can be asked, and I don't ask him back, it's really hard to get angry! ”
But out of breath is out of breath.
On the "battlefield" of rhetorical questions, there is never a winner.
It doesn't matter if it's the one who listens or the one who speaks.
In the end, it must be a lose-lose situation.
Because, it blocks the communication of real needs in intimate relationships and turns into emotional venting.
Over time, we can only be entangled between "being hurt by rhetorical questions" and "hurting others".
But the real problem has never been solved.
So much has been said.
I think it's inevitable that everyone will muttered in their hearts at this moment
Is it really possible to stop asking rhetorical questions at all? ”
If you want me to say: No way. ”
After all, who hasn't had a bad temper and their mouth is faster than their brain?
But really, the less you say, the better.
Here, I have summarized two tips for dealing with rhetorical questions.
Although it is not possible, it can be improved as much as possible.
1.Universal formula: Affirm what you agree with in the other person's words before expressing your needs.
A lot of times, we use rhetorical questions.
It's nothing more than when a lover or child is talking, and we happen to be in a bad mood.
Or maybe some of their actions provoke our resentment.
will blurt out and go back.
But instead of simply venting our emotions, we should be clear about our needs.
Maybe it's more effective.
Here's a universal formula for expression:
Affirm what you agree with before expressing your needs.
is like the netizens who "almost divorced because of rhetorical questions" mentioned above.
If when the husband says he is tired.
Netizens can say:"Husband, you have worked hard (affirm each other's words), I am also tired with the children today (express my needs), let's work together in the future. ”
Naturally, there will be no quarrels in the back.
In this way, we do not belittle each other's needs, but also express our own needs truthfully.
Win-win! 2.Patience + tolerance to understand the other person's "true intentions".
A cliché.
I also know that this is not easy to do.
We are always used to being good-tempered to outsiders, but we are often impatient with our family members.
Misunderstandings come from impatience and from our knee-jerk reactions.
Some netizens once shared:
When she first learned to drive, her parents accompanied her to practice driving.
As a result, along the way, my mother was "scolding":
Do you know how to drive?Netizens had to comfort themselves while driving:I have to drive to work, and I don't know how to be diligent?
Forget it, endure the calm for a while. ”
Who knew that it didn't take long for my mother to say again:
"If you drive like this, I have to worry about death, how dare I let you go on the road alone. ”
Did you find out? "Habitual rhetorical questions" sometimes wrap the softest heart.
But this heart can only be discovered by us when we taste it carefully.
Indeed, habitual rhetorical questions are bad.
But where can everything be taken care of between family members?
Regardless of which side you are, it's always right to be a little more patient and tolerant to understand the "true intent" of the other person's words.
Bad words hurt people for three springs and cold, and good words warm three winters.
I hope that after reading this article, you can think for 3 seconds before blurting out it next time.
You are also welcome to share the article so that more people can stay away from the "rhetorical question".