There are no more than three states after a breakup:
Broken threads, ordinary friends, old and dead do not get along.
Either of these three situations has a chance to reconcile.
Many people think that since the ex has decided to be friends, it means that he has let go, but this is not necessarily the case. Why?
Let me start with a question for you:
Do you think that if you hurt a person with deep affection to the point that your body is incomplete, this person will still come to be friends with you?
As long as this person is not stupid, he definitely won't. A person who has made up his mind to leave you is so dead in heart that he wants to cut off all ties immediately and never see you again, right?
Then since he is still willing to be friends with you, it meansHe didn't want to completely cut off the last glimmer of hope in his heart
How to understand?
This behavior of his is actually leaving a deadline for you in his heart, although he will not reveal it to you, but this is what he thinks in his heartWithin this period, if you do what he wants, he will consider reconciliation, otherwise, he will have to take time to let himself go slowly.
So, it's not a bad thing that he can continue to be friends with you, but you shouldn't be too optimistic, although you still have a chance, but there is really not much time left for you.
Some people may still wonder: if he is still giving me a chance, why am I indifferent to keep him?
The reason is simpleThe effort you made in retention was not what he wanted
What he wants, that is, what he needs, must have told you openly and secretly before you broke up, in countless quarrels, but you didn't realize it, or realized it but didn't pay attention to it, and he proposed to break up because of this.
But he still has one last glimmer of hope in his heart, and he just wants to make you realize the seriousness of the matter and make a real change.
Seeing that after the breakup, only you can still move him, but you have actually made changes, but how do you keep them?
In the many cases I've come across, the vast majority have taken the following approach:
Keep sending messages to hit **:What are you doing, have you eaten, have you slept?
Indiscriminate questioning:Why don't you love it, when do you not love it, do you have a new love?
Self-touched humility:I'm wrong, come back, you can do whatever I want, I can't live without you.
The promise of blindly slapping the mouth cannon:I'll never be like that again, and I promise to be good to you.
There are more extreme:Pursuit, physical threats, and stalking.
Think about it, if you are the one who actively wants to break up in a relationship, then you must have experienced all kinds of bad feelings in this relationship and felt that it was not worth it, so you had to separate, right? If the other party doesn't want to break up, what do you think if you take all the above ways to keep you?
You will only think that he is naïve and ridiculous, and he still doesn't know that he is wrong**, and he is still delusional that playing the emotional card can keep you, and you will only become more and more bored and rejected by him, right?
In the same way, your ex will only be this kind of psychology at this time.
If this continues, his last hope for you will probably disappear soon under your false entanglement.
So your focus now is to find the other person's needs in a limited time, and then meet the other person's needs.
I understand everyone's mood of being anxious to keep after a breakup, but many things are not that you can succeed in a hurry, if you can still be friends after breaking up, this is actually a good starting point, the key depends on whether you will grasp it, if you need help, pay attention to me, I will help you accurately analyze the psychology of the other party, find out the direction of efforts, and help you maximize the probability of reconciliation.
First,How to pinpoint your ex's needs
There are two types of human needs:Initial demand, growth demand
What is an initiation need: At the very beginning of your relationship, what traits in you are deeply attracted to the other person and prompt him to enter into a relationship with you, which is why you are together in the first place.
For example: he is attracted to you because you are good-looking, gentle and optimistic, and you are attracted to him because he is reliable, down-to-earth, sunny and cheerful, then your appearance and personality are the starting needs of the other party.
The breakup caused by this lack of needs is often after falling in love, the individual does not pay attention to emotional management, the advantages are covered, and the shortcomings are constantly exposed and break up.
For example, after falling in love, you no longer pay attention to dressing up, because of insecurity, you become a loser, and always make trouble to ask for the other party's attention, then when the other party no longer feels your charm, over time, his love for you will disappear.
If this is the case for you, you can revisit or experience what you were like at the beginning, and rediscover who you used to be.
So what isGrowth demand
It is the need to be very planned for your life and future, and to continue to progress and grow, and the requirements for your other half are also increasing.
This kind of person tends to be more capable, has a very clear plan for his life, and also hopes that his partner can grow together.
And when he has a tangible improvement, but the partner is still in place, the two of themThe value gap continues to widenThe other party's needs cannot be continuously met, so it is natural to propose to break up.
If this is the case for you, then I suggest you first calm down and think about the future of the other party, do you like it? What the other person needs from you, can you do it? Do you enjoy it?
If the answer is yes, then act quickly and prove to the other person: I am not only a person who is by your side, but also a person who can grow with you.
This step is very important, because only when we are clear about what the other person wants, our efforts will be effective, otherwise it will only be self-moving, going in the opposite direction, and wasting time and feelings. If you have any questions, you can follow me and I will help you.
Second,Be steady when it's time to be steady: Maintain the boundaries that friends should have
It's not difficult to be friends with your ex after a breakup, but the hard thing is that for those who stay, you have to endure the torment of "being friends only" for a period of time.
You may always pay attention to the other person's movements because you know his movements, and you may want to go to him because you can still contact the other person, and you want to share with him if you see any memories related to the past.
What's worse is that you don't know what the other party is doing, and it's easier to be cranky, especially when you see what the other party has done that makes you feel a sense of crisis, your mentality will collapse in minutes.
Many people break up and want to keep them by being friends but fail to keep them, all because they can't be stable at all when they should be stable, they can't help the inner turmoil, operate indiscriminately, and finally fall short.
You must remember that in the early days after a breakup, it is not the time for you to expose your sense of need to disturb the other party, because you have not changed, and you have not yet been able to meet the needs that the other person wants, then you are not qualified to let the other person meet the needs you want to reconcile.
Relationships are all reciprocal, any long-term sustainable feelings, including businessmen doing businessIf you want the other party to satisfy you, you must have the value of reciprocal exchange with the other partyability, otherwise, the taking is greater than the giving, and sooner or later the relationship will collapse.
I know it's hard to control your sense of need at this point, but no matter how hard it is, if you still want to reconcile, you have to do it!
I'll give you a few ways to balance your sense of need
1. Enrich your life, travel, socialize, work, fitness, and study, so that your life is full, instead of focusing on your ex;
2. When you are friends with your ex, don't refuse the opposite sex who is not bad around you, you can dating with them, getting along with other members of the opposite sex can be a good way to resolve the anxiety in your heart, don't be afraid that your ex will mind, if he minds, that is, he has crossed the boundaries of friends first.
Third,Rush when it's time to rush: How to break through the boundaries of friends and upgrade relationships?
You have to learn to quietly convey your changes to your ex, show your value, and pay attention not to do it deliberately, too deliberately like Wang Po selling melons, the purpose is too strong, the convincing is too low, and the position is too low.
Love is a game, and the difference in status between you determines whether you can reconcile, and whether you get along in an equal or humble way after reconciliation.
Don't tell the other person directly, what I did for you, I ** changed, how I changed, but indirectly show the other party to see, give a few simple examples:
For example, if I want to show that I have become better-looking, then I will post a few beautiful photos of him in the circle of friends, with a few sentences of casual copywriting;
For example, if I want to show that I have become more empathetic, then I will give the other person enough emotional value when chatting with them;
For example, if I want to show that I have become more motivated, then I will directly present my own results;
The ex's eyes are pointed, chatting once, meeting once, what changes you have, he can find and feel it. What he discovered on his own would make him even more convinced.
As long as you are friends, when your chat status reaches a good stage, in fact, you have more opportunities to invite to meet, intimacy is a kind of relationship that gradually opens the other party's barrier to the outside world through close contact and achieves deep integration, in short, there must be passion, intimacy and commitment.
Passion depends on attraction, intimacy depends on understanding, and commitment depends on trust.
Friends are all about intimacy and understanding, and if you have reached it, then it is the most crucial element of lovePassion
There are some psychological effects you can use to rekindle the other person's passion for you.
When you should be stable, you must be stable, you must be ruthless when you should move, whether you can retain success, not only depends on what you do, but also depends on whether you can grasp the opportunity, you can pay attention to me, you can talk to me if you are confused, I believe it will have different inspiration and help for you.
Implant a heart anchor to bring back memories
In your chat, touch on previous shared life experiences.
For example, the scenes of previous life: schools, playgrounds, shopping malls, scenic spots.
·“ The last time I went to your school, I saw that barbecue restaurant again, and I was going to bring my friends to try it in a few days. ”
·“ Help someone ask, do you remember how much the amusement park we used to go to? It's the one that's far from the city. ”
·“ I went to Uniqlo to buy clothes again, but I really don't know where to buy them, but they are quite affordable. ”
For example, the activities that we used to do together: eating, traveling, interacting, and acting together.
·“ Is the cafeteria we used to frequented still there? After a few days, I would love to eat again what we used to orderxxx
·“ Remember we had been beforexxWhat kind of car did you take to get there?xIs it? My friend and I wanted to go again, but we forgot how to get in the car. ”
·“ Who did we help together before, has there been an accident recently? I heard my friend say, "Hey." ”
The focus is !! Don't bring emotions when talking about these topicsFor example, "I remember how much fun we had in XX before", "XXX here is still very good, but it's a pity that I am the only one who came".
We are now evoking an introduction, as long as it is your common experience, he will definitely recall it by himself, if you deliberately express your emotions, it will seem too purposeful, easy to arouse the other party's vigilance and disgust, the gains outweigh the losses.
Take advantage of the drawbridge effect
The drawbridge effect means that when a person walks on a dangerous drawbridge, and the opposite sex happens to come by, then the probability that the person will be attracted to the opposite sex, because he will mistakenly attribute the increased heartbeat caused by the suspension bridge to the opposite sex that makes him excited.
Retention can be a great way to use this effect, such as going to a playground thrill with the other person, going to a haunted house, playing an escape room, and so on. When his heart is racing, his brain will also think that you are the one who made him heartbeat.
Clever physical contact
Physical contact that does not disgust the other party when meeting can effectively warm up your feelings, such as when the two are in the elevator of the mall, the boy stands behind the girl and inadvertently helps her brush her hair, such as walking on the road or crossing the street, the girl pretends to be worried about the car condition, panics and pulls the other party, etc., the principle is to skillfully and inadvertently make physical contact to recreate the spark of love when you are in love.
I want to get away with it
If you're already trying hard to reconcile, and the other person is just struggling to take the last step, you'll need to get away with it.
People don't know how to cherish when they have it, and they don't know how to regret it after they lose it. Moreover, the empowerment effect of psychology tells us that we don't feel very uncomfortable when we don't have it, but it is very uncomfortable to lose it after we have it.
The theory of cognitive dissonance is that people appreciate what they have spent a lot of effort to obtain
Here, too, you can be as good as you can be to him in the front, and then suddenly pull away, at this time he feels as if he has fallen from the clouds, and the huge sense of difference will infinitely magnify your importance in his heart.
Finally, I would like to say to you:
In many cases, it may be more difficult to retain a person than to pursue one. There is no negative impression between you when pursuing; Retention is based on all kinds of unpleasant memories.
So if you go to keep it, you may hit a wall, you may hit the south wall, and even you have worked hard, but you just can't keep it. Your mentality collapses, and you wonder if you shouldn't keep it.
In fact, there is no do's or shouldn't, only whether you want to, and this is more of a matter of mentality.
The mentality is not the same, the view on a thing will be different, especially retention is still a process that requires time and patience, the mentality is not in place, you will become very painful and internal friction, and retention is also very successful.
There is a saying in "The Fantastic Journey of the Shepherd Boy": When you dream of something with all your heart, the whole universe will work together to help you.
This is also the connotation of the law of attraction, when you are determined to work towards the goal, your retention will become smoother and smoother, then there is nothing to hinder you.
Come on! I wish everyone can recover his belovedIf you still don't understand something, you can follow me and talk to me.