"I made another mistake in my work this week, and I was criticized by the leadership. "I drove the wrong way on the way to today, really. ”
I lost my temper with my child and scolded him for crying, I'm a bad father, right? ”
Mr. Zhang is a depressed patient, and when he first started counseling, he always started the conversation with the above topic, full of self-blame and guilt.
For many friends who suffer from depression, self-blame is at the heart of their negative state.
It's easy for them to start denying and criticizing themselves for certain things, thinking that they are so bad that they can't do anything well, such as a mistake at work, saying the wrong thing, taking a bus that has passed the stop, or accidentally breaking a cup.
When they repeatedly fall into self-denial, it is as if a person is standing in place, surrounded by countless sharp swords stabbing at him, and the owner of those sharp swords is none other than himself.
If you are always dissatisfied with yourself, we can do a test to determine how demanding you are
Self-Demanding Test:
1. I always think about how I made this thing bad.
2. I always compare myself with other people's strengths, and then I feel that I am very bad.
3. I can't enjoy any activities because I'm always worried that I'm not doing well enough.
4. When I need to choose, I hesitate because I don't believe I have the ability to make the right choice.
5. It's hard to do a lot of things in their entirety because I don't think I can do them in the end.
6. It's hard to have an intimate relationship with someone because I'm worried that others will see me stupid.
If you have more "yes" answers, you are currently in the stage of self-criticism.
Next, you can make a diary of your day, record negative thoughts when you have them, and at night when you are grooming, you may find that you are in a state of being critical of yourself throughout the day, or you will be more critical of yourself when you are about something, for example: not defending yourself when you are misunderstood.
When you know when you can be self-critical, you can do the following:
1. Write about how you feel about yourself
You can express your feelings about the event that triggered the criticism in words, using the sentence structure of "event + feeling".
For example: I made a mistake at work today, I was so stupid;
I forgot to bring my key when I went out today, and I need to wait for my husband to come back before I can enter the house, I was too sloppy;
I scolded the child again because of my studies, and my temper was really too big.
2. Write a solution
When you've written "events + feelings", add solutions to each thing and use it in a "maybe" sentence.
For example, I made a mistake at work today, I am so stupid, maybe next time I can make a plan for my work, so that it will not happen again because I am too busy;
I forgot to bring the key when I went out today, and I need to wait for my husband to come back before I can enter the house, I'm too sloppy, maybe I can put the key on the shoe cabinet at the door next time, so that I can notice it when I go out;
I scolded the child again because of the study, my temper is really too big, maybe I can talk to the child about the reason why he doesn't want to study, and we can discuss a countermeasure together.
When you learn to focus on solving problems instead of getting caught up in self-criticism, you realize that it's not that big of a deal.
When people are annoyed with themselves, they are actually putting themselves in a situation of "no choice", because they are too themselves, and they have not had the opportunity to think about other ways to face things, and they can solve this problem with the right way, and they can even take this opportunity to turn themselves into victories.
When people put themselves in a single choice, they are like a child who is trapped in a well and can only cry, because he is too sad to look around, when in fact there are some rocks next to him that can be built up to make him climb out of the deep well, and he forgets that he can cry out for help and ask for help.
Therefore, the next time you realize that you are falling into self-criticism, you may want to use these two methods to open your eyes to more possibilities.