It's that you can't run away, it's not that you can't get it, I hope you can put your mind at ease before you see my experience and skills sharing, accept the fact of being broken up, and accept your current state and self. Don't complain, don't regret it, I don't want to tell you that all problems can be solved, there are always things in life that can't be solved, but I want to tell you that you need to know a little bit about a man's mind, otherwise you can't keep a good partner.
In the past few years of practice, as an emotional counselor, I have come into contact with many cases of separation, merger, recovery and reconciliation, and I have seen through one thing, in fact, the reason for any man and woman to break up, the underlying logic is very simple:
Either he thinks that your hard value is not enough and is not attractive enough to him, and he thinks that he can find a better one;
Either you feel that your soft value is not enough, and give him too much pressure and negative experience in the process of getting along.
After understanding this, let's go back and look at what you think are redeeming behaviors, many girls will complain to me: "Teacher, I have tried so hard to redeem him, but he is still so ruthless, he should really not love him, right?" ”
Why does your redemption fail repeatedly? It seems that you are very affectionate, but in fact, you are going in the wrong direction!
For most people, breaking up is a very bad emotional experience, it will make you have some negative emotions like pain, entanglement, and anxiety, and under the control of such negative emotions, people can easily become irrational, such as frantically sending messages to ask **, such as all kinds of chasing and intercepting and reconciling, and then such as crying and begging without dignity, you make yourself not like a person, a ghost is not like a ghost, you use yourself like this to redeem your ex, do you think your ex can turn back?
What did you do to meet his needs?
Is it to improve your hard value and make him appreciate you more? Obviously not, but it makes you more low, more humble;
Is it to improve your soft value and make him more willing to get along with you? Obviously, the entanglement you brought him after the breakup was undoubtedly more stressful and troublesome for him.
So why did he turn back?
A lot of feelings, it's not that you don't have a chance, but that you're doing something wrong, which leads to the last chance being squandered by you. To redeem one's predecessor is not to blindly show one's humility and pity for sympathy, but to master the right methods in order to achieve the desired result. If you are very confused now, don't know what the other party thinks, and don't know what the correct way to deal with it is, instead of being painful and tangled alone, it is better to follow me, I will talk to me, I believe it will bring you different inspiration.
The first point is to deal with the perception of reversing mistakes
Wouldn't the boys who took the initiative to break up be sad themselves? In fact, breaking up is hurtful for both people, the happiness you experience together is real, the foundation of your relationship is real, as a person with feelings, there will be nostalgia for the days you have experienced together.
Therefore, the person who proposes to break up is often just making the other party realize the importance of the problem, while some people have caused the real breakup because of their own wrong cognition.
The essential reason is that your purpose is to redeem, but what you are doing is due to the influence of your own emotions and destroys the relationship. When the behavior and purpose are different, the final result will not be as you want.
For example, when a boy breaks up with you because he thinks you are too clingy, and then your way to redeem him is still to keep chatting with him, making compromises, and even waiting for him at his home or at the door of the company, you think that as long as you apologize, he will change his mind, but in fact, you just use your actions to further deepen the other party's understanding of you:You'll always be so clingy.
Some people say, I think you should make things clear, two people to communicate, but you have to understand, the so-called communication is based on the willingness of two people, if others are not willing to with you, and you force others, that is harassment, will only make him more and more annoyed with you.
The second point is that people with low self-esteem are difficult to redeem love
Why do so many people invariably adopt a stalking method to reconcile after a breakup?
Because they subconsciously think:
He left me because he didn't see that I loved him enough;
As soon as I showed my affection and made myself a little pitiful, he would be sympathetic and turn back.
But under normal circumstances, your so-called pay is stalking, coercion and temptation, crying and grabbing the ground in the eyes of the other party, and he will not feel itWhat you "do" for this love, he will only think that you are just an instinctive reaction after an emotional shock.
Many people feel that they are losing their minds because they love too much, but the truth is:The entanglement after a breakup often shows that you are a person with a "low self-esteem". And such people often find it difficult to maintain an intimate relationship for a long time.
When the other person leaves, your instinctive reaction isStepping on your own self-esteem to ask for love。Obviously, it didn't work.
The third point is the purpose of redemption and the greatest difficulty
Every time I ask my help-seekers, what is your motivation for redemption?
More than 80% of them will tell me, "Because I love him", "I can't live without him", or "Because he is the best person for me", which sounds romantic, but if you listen closely, it is full of loopholes.
Love is a matter of two people, and it is only when two people say it.
If it's just because you love him, you can't do without him, he is the best for you, and you want to control him, possess him, and attach to him forever, which is not healthy love logic at the root.
Therefore, the purpose of your redemption is not to redeem the other person, but to redeem the relationship, or to rebuild the relationship, is to have the ability to find problems, solve problems, and have the ability to love.
Don't, if you want someone to love you, you shouldn'tControlHe, but should be"**Him".Take advantage of him, know what he wants most, know what attracts him the most, and then let yourself have the ability to satisfy him.
Let's go on to say, what is the hardest thing about recovering a relationship? Many people will tell me that the most difficult problems now are "he ignores me and is very cold", "he blocks me and resists me".
Are these questions difficult? If you find it difficult, there is only one possibility, that is, the difficulty of "a primary school student doing high school math problems", the core of the solution is that your knowledge is not enough.
All the difficulties in the relationship are the embodiment of your lack of ability and energy, if you have obtained the highest ability in love, then what is the fear of solving those primary problems?
At that time, you deal with most of the emotional problems, whether it is a breakup or a quarrel, you are just "dimensionally reduced" to the other party.
Therefore, the real difficulty of recovery is not what should be done at a certain point at the moment, but that you need high-intensity "ascending thinking" to improve your love quotient.
Of course, for most people who have not received professional emotional and psychological learning, it is not easy to do this, but having difficulties does not mean that you can't do it, we need to continue to learn, practice and reflect on the summary in order to improve our ability step by step and become the helmsman of intimate relationships, you can follow me, I will help you.
Fourth, understand the psychology of men
Many boys will have a little change in their lives after breaking up, such as changing the background of their avatar on social platforms, or actively commenting and liking in the circle of friends, and even blocking and blocking you.
After a breakup, almost most guys will come back at some point to test their ex, but this does not mean that they want to reconcile, just because no one wants to lose someone who once loved him deeply, and he hopes that the other party will still miss him after the breakup.
He came back to test whether his ex was still waiting, and he would deduce from his ex's attitude and reaction, and if so, he would be relieved, and then continue to go hot and cold or disappear.
In fact, if a man takes the initiative to come to you sincerely or perfunctory, you can quickly identify, if you are not sure, it is still perfunctory.
In this process, we need to clarify a core of the relationship between the sexes, sending a message is to talk to you, which is equivalent to wanting to get your response, which is equivalent to having a need for you, explainingYou're still attractive
As for whether you can reconcile or not, it depends on whether your attraction to him has improved and how much it has improved.
Therefore, if your ex has tempted you, don't be fooled by the superficial appearance, think that he wants to reconcile, let alone take the initiative to reconcile in a hot head, and be sure to give up your meaningless illusions.
Boys are born with a hunting mentality, if he really wants something, he will fight for it himself, if he doesn't take the initiative to fight for it, he doesn't want to do it yet.
If you can't resist your impulse to attack at first, he will start to retreat. Because he thinks that you are still the same as before, not the same at all, and his curiosity and attention to you will drop instantly.
So, don't complain about a man's ruthlessness and hot and cold, his confidence is all given by you, and it is you who make him sure that he can still manipulate your emotions, and then continue to enjoy this state of hanging you with peace of mind. If it was easy to tie you down, why did he reconcile with you?
Fifth, learn to identify the best opportunity for redemption and reconciliation
There is also a critical period of recovery, after a breakup, men will experience a similar psychological state, understand the other party's psychological change stage, and do the right thing at the right time to get twice the result with half the effort.
Early stage of the breakup: Let him calm down for a while and don't bother too much
After a breakup, many people will have such worries, that is, if they don't get back to the other party in time, he may quickly forget about himself and start a new relationship. It is precisely because of this worry that I dare not give up any opportunity to contact the other party.
But you know, what was going on in his heart at this time?
His thoughts were: "I'm finally free, I can do whatever I want, I don't have to be controlled by you anymore, I don't have to report when I go out, I can play games when I want, it's really cool!" ”
At this stage, he is in a relaxed and relieved state, enjoying the single life, if you try to redeem him, he may be a little patient with you at first, but it won't take long for him to turn his face.
To give a very vivid example, at this time, he is like a child who has been in class for a week, and finally waits for the weekend, and then you tell him that he can't play on the weekend and has to make up the class, then he must be very resistant and repulsed.
So, at the stage when the other person is eager to be free, don't hinder him and give him space to have fun.
Break up in the middle of the day: get along as friends
When he has experienced the joy of freedom, he cannot indulge himself all the time, there will always be a day when he returns to the normal track of life, and when the time suddenly expires, he will not get used to it, and then recall the good times with you, which is often the case"Emotional lookback period".
If you don't bother him during this time, and you leave him plenty of room for imagination, he will think in his heart:
"I said to break up, why did she agree? And you won't come to redeem me? Could it be that she had wanted to separate for a long time, or did she have a better choice? ”
"She's always been nice to me, maybe my actions hurt her. ”
"I wonder how she's been doing lately, has she met a new person of the opposite sex? ”
At this stage, he may not necessarily reflect on your problems, nor will he necessarily change the decision to break up to reconcile, but there is a high probability that he can't help but pay attention to you, turn over your dynamics, and even find various excuses to chat with you, which is what we called "temptation" earlier.
What is the right thing to do at this stage?
It is to adjust yourself to a high position in terms of mentality, just treat him as an ordinary friend, what he asks you, you just talk about things lightly, without exposing your sense of need at all, and you will not have emotional fluctuations because of the other party.
At the same time, you also need to seize the time to improve yourself, according to the needs and preferences of the other person, and make yourself a more attractive person of the opposite sex.
Then, post your most exquisite state in the circle of friends, not only to show your image ** He takes pictures, but also other dynamics that can show your value points, such as high-end parties, progress at work, learning and improvement, fitness yoga, etc., shape yourself into a person who lives with heart, is wonderful and fulfilling every day, and has been constantly improving, leaving enough room for the other party to imagine.
While improving yourself and showing yourself, without revealing your sense of need, this will make your ex extremely itchy, more curious and concerned about you, and then the initiative will be transferred to us.
In fact, the practice of each stage is very important, because each stage is paving the way for the recovery later, you can follow me, I will become your love strategist on the road to recovery, and help you easily recover your ex-boyfriend from a higher cognitive and dimensional level.
Post-breakup: High EQ chat makes the ex-boyfriend take the initiative to reconcile
On the basis of the previous steps, now your relationship has eased a lot, you can get along with each other like good friends, the other party will respond to you more positively, and you can get along with each other in a more relaxed state and atmosphere, then you need to consider how to progress the relationship and upgrade from good friends to ambiguity.
There are a few tricks you can use to create some "little climaxes" in your relationship and make it more fun to get along with each other, which will be more conducive to your reconciliation.
Build a sense of chase
Most of the time we are catering to each other and fitting each other, but if the reconciliation process has always been our initiative, the other party will also feel bored, so we might as well push and pull, on the one hand, to avoid pushing too hard and making the other party have the risk of rejection, on the other hand, we can also express good feelings.
For example, the other party invites you to hang out.
I won't go, wouldn't it be very shameless for you to tell me to go, unless you invite this girl to eat crayfish; ”
Another example is that he praised you for your good looks, "I don't eat your set, I want to maintain the image of a lady." ”
This feeling of pulling and pulling is often more interesting than the blandness of flat and straightforward narration.
Implantation of heart anchors
This technique is actually very simple, in psychology, "heart anchor" belongs to one of the conditioned reflexes, that is:"A person's heart establishes a connection with a certain thing, and when it is mentioned, a certain emotion will automatically appear in the person's heart, and the conditioned reflex will arise."
When the other party touches this link, it can cause some kind of emotional response from the other party, which is a very useful subconscious communication method.
I'll give you a few examples:
·“ If we go to the Ferris wheel again, will you still vomit like you did before? ”
·“ The last time we went, it was the same, but I didn't expect it to change in a few months. ”
What if such a heart anchor is implanted in the other party and ignores it?
Stabilize your breath, indicating that the other party's acceptance of you has not yet reached this point, and we will go back and continue to pave the relationship;
What if you're lucky enough to be willing to pick up your topic? Doesn't that mean your relationship can go further?
Create an ambiguous atmosphere
The key point of this technique is that we only convey good feelings, and do not force the other party to reconcile, on the one hand, the other party can understand our attitude and intentions, and on the other hand, there will be no great pressure to lead to the risk of avoidance.
For example: the right thing to do: (convey goodwill + do not force reconciliation).
I went out with you yesterday and found that you have changed a lot, and I am more and more surprised
Wrong approach: (Convey favor + persecute reconciliation).
When I went out with you yesterday, I found that you have changed a lot, and I still can't forget you, so let's reconcile.
Remember, it's okay to keep that mindset: whether you like me or not is your business, and I like you anyway and I won't force you to reconcile.
We can attack and retreat, and the other side doesn't even have a reason to reject us.
How to kick the last kick:Give the decision on the relationship back to the other party
When a girl redeems a boy, she should take into account the psychology of the boy, and they are more willing to be the decider and promoter of the relationship. What's more, there is nothing wrong with a girl being reserved, after all, we have always taken the initiative in the front, if the relationship is finally determined or the girl comes to speak, it is too proactive, and the other party is likely not to know his true demands, just out of physiological needs and agree to you.
Therefore, after the previous work is done well and the relationship atmosphere is sufficient, the girl is only responsible for pushing and pulling, ambiguous, and releasing her charm, and leave the matter of opening her mouth to reconcile to the boy.
In the process of consultation, I found that many girls do not know how to chat, let alone through some skills to provoke and promote the relationship, resulting in the two sides have been stalemate there, further impossible, a step back and reluctant, repeated internal friction is very tiring, if you are also like this, you may wish to pay attention to me, send me your chat, I will help you with advice.
Emotional redemption