If you want to be good to someone, don't preach uncontrollably.
For children, I want them to make fewer mistakes; For spouses, there are always one or two shortcomings that you are not used to. In order to transform the other person into their ideal appearance, some people often start preaching.
The speaker thinks he is grooming and goes out of his way to speak at length, whether the listener can receive it or not.
Rigid words, like sharp stones squeezed out of the hard teeth, smashed into the other party, at first he also loved you and respected you so forbearance, but in the long run, he had to protect himself, and gradually fled from you.
Rabindranath Tagore said, "The mind is all intellect, like a knife full of blades, which bleeds on the hands of those who wield it." ”
No one likes to be fragmented, and it is more important to get along with people, listen and perceive.
No one is born to take care of other people's feelings, if you are willing to listen and try to appreciate, be less rational, more emotional, less noisy, and more calm. in order to understand what the other party needs and what he can do.
There are many reasons why people inadvertently start preaching mode.
1. Lack of self-control and difficulty in controlling oneself.
From a biological point of view, there are some primitive impulses in the human body that make people like to do things that make them comfortable in order to get instant gratification. When the objective subject does something uncomfortable to him, he lacks self-control, and he will vent his dissatisfaction at will.
Second, the inner cultivation is insufficient, and the habit of imposing self-values on others.
When expressing their views, they are condescending, even adding "Do you understand?" at the end of the conversation. This kind of questioning language makes the listener feel oppressive and resistant.
3. Lack of self-awareness, leading to blindly pointing to others.
Within a limited cognition, people think that what they see is the truth.
Some people look at the cylinder as square when viewed from the side, and some people look round from the front; As the saying goes, when viewed horizontally as the side of the ridge is a peak, the world that the fish see in the tank is spherical, and we humans do not feel like this.
Lao Tzu once said to **: "My hard teeth have long been lost, but my soft tongue is still there." ”
In other words, in any relationship, gentleness is what makes them last.
There is a story about a grumpy woman who sought out the wise man in the village to ask for help in order to win her husband's heart. The wise man said that after the woman had plucked the lion's three hairs, he would tell her what to do.
At that time, lions often roamed the village, and no one dared to approach them, which made it difficult for her.
She thought that she couldn't fight against lions. In the morning, as soon as the sun rose, she brought a large pot of meat to the lion, who at first was very puzzled by the woman, and kept pacing beside her, looking at her with a fierce gaze.
The woman insisted on feeding the lion every day, and after a while, the lion developed a crush on her and wagged its tail at her enthusiastically when he saw her.
One day, after eating the meat in the basin, the lion walked up to the woman, meekly lay down beside the woman, and let her caress her, and the woman, knowing that the lion had trusted her, plucked three hairs from the lion.
She found the wise man again, and the wise man smiled and said, "You have been given a way to get your husband back." ”
This little story is about the principle of overcoming rigidity with softness, and "softness" can resolve antagonism and eliminate unnecessary contradictions.
Moreover, some people are like lions, but they appear strong on the surface, and they yearn to be treated gently in their hearts.
If you want to put words into the hearts of others, you should not be harsh, nor fast-talking, but give the other party a sense of security in your attitude.
There is a sentence in the book "Soft Dialogue": "If you can't convince the other person with soft words, you can't conquer anyone with serious words." ”
Language is the most important tool in communication, and it is valuable to use it in a methodical way.
Sticks and stones only hurt the flesh of a person, and time will heal everything, but bad words can leave irreparable scars on the heart.
Consciously working on language, dabbling in a wider range of knowledge, and learning richer conversational thinking is conducive to interpersonal communication.
Share the four communication guidelines in the book "Soft Conversations":
1. On the premise of respect, understand any performance of the other party.
2. Think from the other side's point of view, and not unilaterally start from your own needs.
3. Be generous and let the other party make a choice spontaneously and not impose interference.
Fourth, give the opportunity to make corrections in an inclusive manner, and leave room for the other party at all times.
Everyone has advantages and disadvantages, we can always lead ourselves, first do our best to be the most powerful.
As the old saying goes: "Those who know others are wise, and those who know themselves are wise." ”
The wisest thing for a person is to be able to recognize himself, and if our own world is closed and messy, how can we convey wisdom to others.
Just like in a family, children need to be guided by their parents for their growth, but it is inappropriate to force the reason on the child. Spend more time enriching yourself, changing the microclimate of your family, providing a soil for healthy growth, infecting your children with your own actions, and awakening your inner drive, which is better than a series of chatter.
The most important thing for people to improve is always themselves, when you have flowers in your heart, you can reveal the fragrance from the inside out.
We should not be empty and rigid preaching, it will make the listener bitter and disgusted. Learn to find the problem from yourself, make good use of communication tools, live up to your loved ones, and give them positive energy.
When you are talking to someone you love, and what they feel is not didactic, but they are willing to absorb and speak freely with each other, that is the best relationship.