A while ago, I brushed up on a heart-piercing joke: "Love flows to people who are not short of love, and money flows to people who are not short of money." This sentence hit a lot of people at once-It seems that some people are always lucky and can meet a lot of good things;But some people have always been difficult to meet good luck. It seems that this is a rather metaphysical topic. When will people meet with good luck?Maybe no one can say. However, from the perspective of psychology, some people always feel that they are unlucky, not necessarily because of bad luck, but because they will Xi the habit of "rejecting" beautiful things. The state of a person's heart affects whether we can or notCatch good luckPlease don't be too nice to me".
Let's start with the story of the visitor, Xiaoli. Some time ago, Xiaoli went to work in a new city. She followed the agent to find a lot of places, but she couldn't find a suitable house. For this, she had a great headache. By chance, she found out that her classmate Zhao Zhao, who she hadn't been in touch with for a long time, was also in the city, and Zhao Zhao's aunt had a house for rent, which happened to be near where Xiaoli worked. And when he learned of Xiaoli's arrival, Zhao Zhao was very enthusiastic, took the initiative to invite her to dinner, took her shopping, and finally went to see the house. Xiaoli thought the house was very good, so she decided to rent it. Zhao Zhao told his aunt to charge a rent far below the market price, and promised Xiaoli: "If you need help in the future, just look for me!."In the eyes of others, Xiaoli's luck is too good, and she has the right time and place all of a sudden. However, Xiaoli was not too happy, but more worried:
Zhao Zhao must have been very busy, but she ran several times for me, which was too disturbing for her.Xiaoli felt very indebted to Zhao Zhao. So for the next few weekends, she invited Zhao Zhao to dinner and gave gifts, wanting to alleviate her sense of indebtedness. But sometimes Zhao Zhao will invite him back, and he will also remind Xiaoli that there is no need to buy so many gifts, these help is all a gesture, and there is no need to be polite. However, Xiaoli still felt that the psychological burden was very heavy, and even felt that she had received too many benefits and seemed too greedy. So, when she encountered difficulties again, she tried her best to solve them by herself, and she was embarrassed to trouble Zhao Zhao again. She also thought that she would change to another house when she saved more money, and she didn't want to "take advantage" anymore. Obviously, something good happened, but Xiaoli tried her best to push it away.It's obviously my own business, but I want to trouble others, I'm really a drag!
She's done me so much, how can I repay it?
02 Xi that keep people away from good luck
It stands to reason that people want good things to happen to them, and Xiaoli's behavior seems strange.
But if you pay attention to your surroundings, you will find that there are actually many people who will be the same as Xiaoli:When someone around you is kind to you, the first reaction is not to feel happy or enjoy it, but to immediately form a mental burden. For example:
When someone treats you to a meal, you'll wonder when you'll find a chance to invite you backOften, we feel that this is a polite, independent gesture. But such a habit of Xi will invisibly push away beautiful people and things. Here the push away hasTwo levelsOn the one hand, when others treat you well, you take the initiative to decline;On the other hand,When you turn down too many good intentions, others will also be less willing to be nice to you. My friend Tingting moved to a new house last year and met a neighbor's sister, and the two were of the same age and could talk very well. But after getting along for a while, Tingting found that this neighbor's sister was particularly polite. Once, my sister was sick, and when Tingting learned about it, she said that she could take care of her, but her sister said that she was not serious and did not need to take care of her. Until Tingting saw that she was lying at home for a few days, she insisted on taking her to the hospital. Afterwards, in order to express her gratitude, my sister made a sumptuous meal and invited Tingting to her house as a guest. And in the weeks that followed, she also bought a lot of fruit to give back to Tingting, and Tingting couldn't finish eating. Something similar happened several times later, and every time Tingting's kindness came, it wouldIt was promptedCome backAnd my sister's behavior seems to be polite, but she behaves deliberately, as if she is "completing the task". Tingting felt rejected, as if her heart was also pushed away by her sister. Slowly, she became restrained and no longer dared to be so nice to her sister.When others praise you, your first reaction is to quickly deny it, and give evidence to show that you are not good at all;
Someone is doing you a favor, and you feel like it's an intrusion on someone else.
Just imagine, in life, if someone frequently refuses your help and care, will it be easy for you to feel that the other party may not need these kindnesses?As a result, you will slowly retract your enthusiasm and be less kind to them. In fact, there is certainly no problem in interacting with people and maintaining appropriate politeness. But if you ask yourself to face everything independently, you can't trouble others in everything, and you can't take advantage of it. Then, this becomes an obsession and forms a constraint on people. If a person is not able to accept small goodness with peace of mind, then it will be even more difficult for him to accept big goodness. This seemingly simple little thing reflects the belief in a person's heart:I don't deserve something nice. So, how did such beliefs come about?
03 Utilitarian Relationship:If you don't give, you don't deserve it
Returning to Xiaoli's story, as I communicated with her deeply, I slowly understood why she was pressured to do good things. When she was a child, her parents often taught her thatYou are only eligible for benefits if you first create value for others;Conversely, if you don't do anything, you don't deserve any help or privileges. Such a concept affects all aspects of Xiaoli's life. For example:
When I went to my aunt's house when I was a child, my aunt wanted to give Xiaoli a small ornament, and her parents would ask Xiaoli to decline;During the summer vacation, a classmate invited Xiaoli to her house for a few days, but her parents said that it was too disturbing for others to goWhen her cousin helped Xiaoli improve her grades Xi make up for it, her parents would tell her to prepare a gift to thank each other.From the point of view of psychology, Xiaoli has always livedUtilitarian relationshipsAmong them, its characteristics are:Giving and getting must always be proportionalMore work, more, less work, no work. If you live in this atmosphere for a long time, you will become obsessed with giving and receiving. Therefore, once you get the benefits, you will immediately instinctively reflect on yourself and whether you have given the corresponding efforts. If you don't give enough, you should give more in return, or refuse to accept the benefit. Of course, utilitarian relationships also have their meaning - it can make the relationship more boundary, and it can also avoid being morally judged and morally kidnapped, so that people can live innocently. This kind of thinking is not wrong in some situations (such as the workplace), but if you have such an attitude in all relationships, it will make people lack warmth. Because under the logic of utilitarian relations, it is believed that people themselves are worthless, so they must pay before they can deserve benefits.
The other model that corresponds to this is:Emotional relationships。The latter argues:Relationships between people are inherently valuable, and even if a person doesn't deliberately give anything, they deserve to be treated kindly. If Xiaoli's parents are in the mode of an emotional relationship, then in the face of their daughter being treated well, they will not be so eager to let the child shirk, but teach her to express her gratitude well. Similarly, children who grow up in this atmosphere will also embrace the kindness of others when they encounter it without feeling pressured about it. Gradually, the ability to catch good luck will be formed. So, if you have been under the logic of utilitarian relationships since childhood, how do you make the change?At this time, it is a good idea to change your perspective and see another layer of meaning of accepting good intentions. 04 Accept kindnessIt's a two-way street
In relationships, we often intuitively feel that the person being helped has gained benefits, but often ignores them, and the helper will actually get nourishment from them. This nourishment has 2 aspects:Nourished by perfection;The nourishment of relational connections. Let's start with the first case: being nourished by perfection. Imagine a question: Have you ever been cared for by your elders and seniors on the road to growth?When I was in college, I was often taken care of by some seniors, who taught me how to do things, answered my questions, and did not ask for anything in return. On the one hand, I am very grateful, but on the other hand, I am also very envious, I feel that my predecessors are both capable and responsible, and I hope that I can become such a person. And the way I want to achieve this is to help my juniors. Ah Kin is my college junior, and I can talk to him quite well. But in the past few years, he has not been working well and his income is also very tight. From time to time, I would ask him out, invite him to dinner, ask him how he was doing, and help him inquire about suitable jobs. The process doesn't make me stressful, on the contrary, I feel happy. On the one hand, I became what I used to be, and on the other hand, helping him was like helping myself, and I was happy to see that he was able to get some support. His acceptance of my kindness is a fulfillment of me. 
And the second case: the nourishment of relational connections. Specifically, it refers toBy accepting kindness, we are also allowing the other person to approach us. One of my visitors, Sakura, used to be an independent person who was Xi "politely refusing" others' kindness. For a period of time in the last year, she felt that she was in a very wrong state, and often felt lonely and powerless. After communicating, I found out that she didn't have many friends and often went alone. But she has a very gentle personality, why didn't she make friends?Until I heard a detail - when someone around her needs help, Sakura will stand up without hesitation, and when she encounters something difficult, she will prioritize finding a way to deal with it independently, refusing help from others. This actually invisibly transmits a voice to the outside world:I don't need anyone else. After a long time, she always seems to be separated from the people around her by a "membrane", and her interactions with people stay at a polite and decent level. Later, I guided her to be aware of her own patterns and try to accept the kindness of others, even to trouble others, and to ask for help when she was in trouble. Gradually, Sakura became acquainted with the people around her. In a later chat, a colleague said to Sakura, "You were too cold before, but now you feel much more kind." Actually, Sakura was refusing kindness before, which seemed to be polite, but in fact it was pushing people away. When she accepts kindness, she is opening her heart and allowing others to come in. When one party gives kindness and one party accepts kindness, love will flow and an emotional relationship can be formed.
Our culture has always taught people to give and to love others. But I forgot a truth:Loving people is an abilityTo be lovedIt's also an ability. From a psychological point of view, those who have a good fortune constitution are actually good at being loved - they admit the fact that they need others, and they are not ashamed of accepting good intentions;They are deeply convinced of their own worth, and know that they deserve to be treated well, even if they don't do anything deliberately;They are also willing to reciprocate each other's kindness, but it does not cause psychological pressure. In fact, people are social animals by nature, and you and I are not perfect, and we often need mutual kindness and support to get through the difficulties of life. So, accept good people and things calmly, accept praise, accept help, and accept care. You will be better for it, and others will be better for it. Autumn and Winter Check-in Challenge