The other day, a few friends were chatting about children.
One mother said: "My bear child has been playing with his mobile phone, and I was so angry that I hit him a few times, and he actually snatched the hanger and threw it on the ground." Today's children, who make mistakes and don't listen to the lesson, actually resist, are really angry. Another mother also said: "You still know how to resist, every time my family is beaten, he doesn't say a word, he only knows how to cry there, you say that he runs a little and my anger will disappear." "Mothers, you complain about your children one by one.
Everyone found that "taming" children like to use "force" to solve problems, but children's reactions are very different. Some children will be silent and suffer in silence;Some children will fight back because they refuse to admit defeat. Probably everyone will like "obedient" children. But in fact, when children are taught, it is instinct to resist, and it is the "voice" of children fighting for their own rights. Some psychologists believe that if a child over 3 years old does not resist, he is not a normal child, this is a necessary way to grow up, and the stronger the resistance, the easier it is to have firm willpower in the future. Therefore, we teach our children that the future life of a child who "resists" and a child who does not "resist" is completely different.
Children who "don't rebel".
What loses is the choiceThere is a teacher who always has her own way of educating children, but she struggles with not being able to teach her bear children well. Because the child was too naughty, she was so angry that she hit her child many times, and she regretted it every time she finished the beating. She said: "I know that I am angry, but I never defend myself, every time he stands up straight and waits for me to fight, he will not resist, the more he does not react at all, the more angry I am." "Why didn't the child react at all?
Psychologically speaking, when parents teach their children, the children will have extreme fear, so there is a "freeze reaction". At this time, the child turns on the self-protection mechanism and will use a "flattering" behavior to look directly at the anger of the parents. Don't look at this kind of child as he doesn't react, in fact, the fear and hurt in his heart are suppressed into his subconscious, and he is weakening his energy step by step, and slowly becoming a good child. A psychological counselor said:The more "well-behaved" and "sensible" a child behaves as a child, the more psychological problems he will have when he grows up;The more rebellious and free a child behaves as a child, the more mentally mature he grows up. The more silent the child, the easier it is to be kidnapped by obedience and obedience, always living by obeying the wishes of others, and not daring to choose to be his true self. A netizen once recalled. His family conditions are very good, his grades are also very good, and he has always grown up in the praise of others, but he is not happy. When he was a child, his mother beat him at every turn, and as long as he was disobedient, he would be punished more severely, and as long as he resisted, he would be beaten even more. Later, he did not dare to disobey his parents, and under the persecution of his parents, he became submissive. He started to run out of options:
Choose clothes that mom likes to wear on your body;"I don't like it very much, but I can only be obedient," she said. "Because she is cowardly and can't resist, she seems to be well-behaved and sensible, and she has no ego. When she grew up, she learned to read people's faces. At work, I always listen to other people's arrangements, I dare not express my own opinions, and I choose to compromise first because I am "afraid of others being angry" no matter what. What will not rebel and lose is the opportunity to choose to fight for yourself, and even if it is right, it will seem submissive. The more "non-resistant" the child, the more likely it is to be kidnapped by others and lose his true self.Permission is required to go out and play;
If you come home late, you will be beaten and punished for not being able to eat.
Love the "rebellious" child
What is won is an independent personality
There is such a piece of news. An 8-year-old boy was "beaten" by his mother and left a note saying, "Mom, I ran away from home." 
The reason for the incident was that he wanted to play with his sister that afternoon, so he rubbed on his sister, and his sister was not happy at that time, and the two fought. As a result, the mother was very impatient and beat the boy. The boy ran away from home in a fit of rage. Later, the boy's incident attracted attention on the Internet, and some psychologists explained his words and deeds like this: The boy did not really run away from home, but was treated unfairly at home, and there was a kind of "revenge psychology", so he wanted to use this way to see if his parents would be nervous. It may be that on the surface, the boy is rebellious, but in fact the boy is looking for himself.
A child's rebellion is a manifestation of a strong explosion of self-consciousness, and it is a process of breaking the "original self" and gaining a "new self". From the age of about 6 years, the child's sense of fairness begins to awaken, and he will strongly demand that his parents respect him and no longer want his parents to treat him as a child. Some psychologists have explained that the child who loves to "rebel" has three layers of motivation:
Level 1: He needs to identify with his own worth;
The second layer: he wants to be free from control and present himself in an independent posture;
The third level: he wants to gain the right to control himself. Only with ideas can we have an independent personality, and only with resistance can we break a new self. A Tsinghua professor recounted his childhood. When he was in elementary school, he won first place in his exam, and his teacher rewarded him with a map of the world, and he got home and began researching. At that time, he was attracted by the pyramids of Egypt, Cleopatra, and the Nile River on the map, and thought that he must witness these monuments with his own eyes when he grew up. Because he was so fascinated by it, he boiled the half-boiled bath water dry, and his father was so angry that he not only beat and scolded him, but also threw the map into the stove to burn it, he endured the pain and picked up the map, but angered his father: "What is there to see, I promise that you will never go to such a distant place in your life." He was stimulated by his father and thought, "I'll have to prove it to you." After this incident, he became very rebellious and did everything against his father. He is paranoid that I want to do what you don't want to do, and I must be a hundred times better than the life you set for me. So when he went abroad for the first time, he chose Egypt without hesitation and overturned his father's words with practical actions. Too strict education will suppress children's desire for autonomy. The suppressed child will rebel because it stimulates the child's inner desire for autonomy, and the more the child rebels against his parents, the easier it is to find his own "way out". 
"Resistance" is a sign of a child's growth
Parents should not be easily "suppressed".
Children will "resist", not necessarily against their parents, but to defend their rights. Parents "suppress" too much, but they violate the psychological boundaries of their children and suppress their autonomy. In contrast, children who love to resist will have an advantage in the future. Princeton University in the United States has done a study: they selected 100 children with strong resistance and 100 children who did not resist much among children aged 2-5 years old, and tracked their youth and found that 84 children with strong resistance were relatively strong-willed, assertive, independent analysis and ability to judge things and make decisions. Only a few of the children who are less resistant are stronger-willed, and the rest have no decision-making ability and cannot take responsibility. Children who "resist" want to express themselves in their hearts. But this does not mean that everything has to be done by the child, but that it is necessary to "compromise" appropriately to make the child grow. 1.When your child is dissatisfied, learn to listenOn the road of parenting, many parents are anxious, and many things are beaten and scolded without waiting for the child to explain. When beating, the child is not allowed to speak up and resist, in fact, this will make the child worse and worse. If we want our children to accept us, we must first accept them. Thomas once said: Active listening is our stepping stone to the heart of our child. He believes that when a child encounters difficulties, we only need to describe the behavior mentioned by the child, interpret his emotions at that time, and express our feelings, and we must not make any evaluation and violence to the child.
A good way of communicating never escalates education to violence, and when a child resists, it is more important to listen to him than to teach him to do it. Hu Ke once shared an incident that happened to Anji: she bought Anji a pair of sneakers and wanted her son to wear them the next day, but Anji refused. Under Hu Ke's compulsion, Anji was more energetic, and Hu Ke had the urge to beat people. Later, Anji yelled at her: "Why don't I even have the right to choose?"”
Later, Hu Ke said: "Yes". In any case, we want to let the child "argue" for himself, even if the child is wrong, and give him the opportunity to express himself. 2.On matters of principle, let the children feel for themselvesEvery child has his own thoughts, he knows how to experience and feel and draw conclusions. Everything is not about persecution, but about letting children have the idea of "I do". Education is never about controlling children, but about selectively letting children feel for themselves, so as to reverse the state of "confrontation". Keigo Higashino was a very unreading child when he was a child. In order to make him fall in love with reading, his mother bought him a lot of famous books, but he was very disgusted with them when he saw them. At that time, my mother beat and scolded, but he just didn't want to study. Later, my mother simply gave up. One day, my sister was reading a book with relish, and Keigo Higashino leaned over and asked, "Is this book interesting?"My sister said, "Of course it's interesting, and then shared with him the interesting facts in the book." Keigo Higashino, who was influenced by his sister, had the idea of reading a book, read a book in one go, and fell in love with reading ever since. Instead of being angry at the child's rebellion, we should let him understand life, so that the child can learn to perceive right and wrong through trial and error, so as to reverse the child's rebellious psychology. As Rousseau said:It is impossible to live a comfortable and enjoyable life, because life must have an attitude of coping with adversity. It's much easier to let him feel it for himself than for his parents to push him to work hard.
I once read a story: A boy in junior high school ran out of the house three times in one year because he was always working against his mother. Every time I was recovered, I would not talk to my mother for a week. Seeing that the child's condition was getting worse, the mother took him to see a psychiatrist. After talking to the psychiatrist, the boy said, "I just want to listen to myself, and even if I know they're right, I can't help but want to do it with them." Many children, under the suppression of their parents, want to "confront" their parents. The more parents control such opportunities to "speak out", the more vicious circle they give their children. Good education is a process of exercising, empowering, and delegating power. Parents learn to take a step back in order to win their children's hearts. Bingxin said: To let children grow up naturally like wild flowers, we must respect children's nature and choices. The child's choice is the armor that he "escorts" for himself all his life. If we respect it once, the child will live for himself once;Let him "resist" once, and let him grow once.