Author: Sugar Candy (rich book author).
I don't know how many people have had a similar experience:
When getting along with others, I care about the feelings of others, and I am deeply afraid that I will make others unhappy;
Always questioning yourself because of the evaluation of others, and having no confidence in yourself;
Often suffer from the loss of a relationship, so as to blindly please others ......
After a long time, I unconsciously found that my heart was full of anxiety and fell into endless internal friction.
Mr. Tsang said, "The biggest problem of people is that they keep finding trouble with themselves. ”
Indeed, everyone's energy is limited, and thinking about everything in line with the wishes of others is indeed creating internal friction for oneself.
And the reason why I trapped myself was never because of the intervention of others, but because I looked down on myself.
If you care too much about others, you are hollowing yourself out
In Cognition in Psychology, Baker proposes a technique called:"Decentralization".
Centralization means: "Many help-seekers always feel that they are the center of attention of others, and their words and deeds and actions will be judged by others." For this reason, he often feels powerless and vulnerable. ”
People live in the world, imagine themselves as the central point, and people who worry that their words and actions will make others uncomfortable are often consuming themselves.
Since the blogger @芸芸 used to be such a person, she once shared a personal experience online.
After graduating from university, she was admitted to a public school as a teacher, and she was very busy every day.
Because every day, either a colleague asked her to help make courseware, or a senior asked her to sort out the materials, and also asked her to help with the recess duty, resulting in her often taking care of one thing and losing the other, she was too busy during the day to prepare for classes, so she could only go home at night to work overtime.
In fact, many times, she wanted to refuse, but she was worried that her colleagues would not like her because of this, and she was worried that others would be unhappy, so she agreed, and pretended to be very relaxed.
Once, she was dizzy due to a cold, dragging her tired body to class, and wanted to go home in the afternoon to rest, but her colleague was in a hurry to go home because the child was sick and asked her to help with the two classes in the afternoon.
So, she endured the discomfort and finished the afternoon class, because she thought that her colleague would be worried that if the child was sick, her colleague would have thoughts about her if she didn't help.
As a result, she developed a high fever that night.
That day, because of extreme physical discomfort, her student's homework was not changed, and she was criticized by the leader, but she didn't explain much, and if she told the real reason, she was worried that her colleagues would resent her.
In life, such people are not uncommon, they often care too much about others, so they fall into the quagmire, enter endless internal friction, and have been reducing their own energy.
Schopenhauer said, "One of the most peculiar weaknesses of human nature is that it cares about what others think of itself." ”
When a person cares too much about the feelings of others, he will Xi observe the expressions of others and ignore his own feelings, thus emptying himself little by little.
When people live in the world, most of their troubles come from themselves, and the fundamental reason is that they look down on themselves.
Because we look down on ourselves, we ignore ourselves, and in fact, we are insignificant to others.
When you try not to look down on yourself, put your own feelings first, care less about the feelings of others, and learn to keep love and time for yourself, there will be less internal friction, and the road of life will naturally be much broader.
To seriously question oneself is to make it difficult for oneself
The Historical Dictionary says: "Those who are confident do not doubt people, and people also believe them." Those who doubt themselves do not believe in others, and others doubt them. ”
In daily work and life, I am obviously strong in the things that others have explained, but I am afraid that I will not be able to do a good jobIn the process of doing it, he repeatedly questioned himself, and such behavior undoubtedly involved himself in internal friction.
Seen such a story.
Netizen @planet said that he entered the Xi new ** company after graduating from college, and he is constantly entangled and competing every day.
The leader asked him to write a manuscript, but he was worried that his article would not meet the standards and would not be handed in.
Every time he worked with the leader, he was trembling, and he thought about what he said in his head for a long time, for fear that his words would be inappropriate.
Once, because there were many typos in a manuscript, he was criticized by the leader, he constantly reflected on himself, was depressed for several days, and even questioned whether he was not suitable for the job
Another time, he was praised by the leader because he wrote the manuscript relatively quickly, and he questioned whether he could still meet the leader's ......expectations next time
He pays special attention to some details, and often plays a big drama in his heart because of a comment from the leader, and he is often anxious.
Eventually, he resigned because he couldn't bear the pressure.
In fact, in daily work, there will be countless obstaclesIf you blindly question yourself in your heart, you can only let yourself fall into internal friction.
Psychologist Michela once pointed out: "People who fall into the "imposter syndrome" often believe that they are incompetent or even incompetent. ”
This type of person is Xi to questioning himself, often getting into worry because of a criticism or praise, and blindly making things difficult for himself.
In fact, many times when facing new challenges, it is not that they are not incapacitated, but that they look down on themselves, so that they become Xi to making things difficult for themselves, and eventually exhaust their own energy and lose the courage to move forward.
Chekhov said, "Man believes that he is what he is." ”
Try not to look down on yourself,Question yourself a little less and learn to be tolerant of your mistakesDon't make things too difficult for yourselfAlways be confidentI can always reconcile with myselfThere will be less internal friction, and it will be able to take on more new challenges on the road ahead.
To please others is to hurt yourself
In psychology, a type of personality called the "people-pleasing personality" has been proposed.
A people-pleasing personality is a personality that pleases others and ignores oneself and is a potentially unhealthy pattern of behavior, not a personality disorder.
Such people especially like to meet the expectations of others and please others infinitely.
In such a process, after a long time, you will feel a little tired, and the pleaser will take it for granted, and the internal friction of the pleaser will become deeper and deeper.
I once saw such a story on the Internet.
Xiaoxiao and Anan entered a company at the same time after graduation Xi.
When the two newcomers arrived at a new unit, Xiaoxiao thought that it would be better to "huddle together for warmth", so they got along with Anan very diligently.
Every day at noon, Xiaoxiao would ask Anan's opinion, and Anan would eat whatever she said, and Xiaoxiao never objected.
Once Anan proposed to eat spicy fragrant pot, Xiaoxiao in order not to let Anan ruin the fun, obviously couldn't eat spicy, but still ate it. Eventually, it led to an attack of laryngitis, and my throat was uncomfortable for several days, and I had difficulty speaking.
Because she is a newcomer, she needs to learn more things Xi every day, and she is more tired at the end of the day, but as soon as Anan passes, Xiaoxiao will drag her tired body to go shopping with her.
Once I had a cold, I accompanied Anan to go shopping at night, and the next day the cold directly turned into a severe cold.
Every time they are working in **, Xiaoxiao will behave very modestly in front of Anan, and will always say: "You can still do it, if it were me, I would definitely not be as good as you." ”
In front of Anan, Xiaoxiao always treats her with a low profile, elevating the other party and belittling herself, because she thinks that this can stabilize this friendship.
Who would have thought that there were several times when Xiaoxiao wanted to find Anan out to relax because she was in a bad mood, but Anan refused.
Another time, Xiaoxiao asked Anan to have dinner to celebrate on her birthday, but she didn't want Anan to agree and temporarily change the hexagram, but the reason was: "I'm going to watch a new movie today, and I can't accompany you." ”
Gradually, Xiaoxiao realized that her contribution was just wishful thinking.
Later, the two of them didn't work in the same company anymore, and once Xiaoxiao wanted to send a message to greet Anan, who would have thought that the other party was no longer your friend.
In life, many people will be like Xiaoxiao, blindly pleasing others, putting themselves in a low position, and carefully maintaining their relationships with each other.
The Courage to Be Hated" said:"Living in fear of relationship breakdown, which is an unfree way of life for others, kills the ego with every please. ”
A person likes to be in a relationship, trying to please, in order to maintain the relationship, this unequal relationship can only end up scarring himself, because every time he blows his feet, he consumes his own energy.
Pleasing others indefinitely, thinking that your efforts will be treated equally, but it backfires, and the root cause of this result is that you are too afraid of losing the relationship, so you look down on yourself.
A good relationship never has to be deliberately pleased, when you try not to look down on yourself, do not deliberately please others, be close to fate, equal respect, and be back to that true selfBe kind to yourself, and with less internal friction, you can be treated gently by the world.
Mader wrote this sentence in "The Age of Masks Growing into Skins":
Sometimes, the more you care about the world, the less you feel presence;The more you care about others, the harder it is to live your life. ”
In the sea of life, I have experienced so much, and the unhappiness I have formed is because I look down on myself and am too much in the unexpected world.
If you care too much about other people's feelings and ignore yourself, you will empty yourself;
If you question yourself and doubt yourself because of others' evaluation, you will make it difficult for yourself;
If you want to maintain a relationship to please others and wronged yourself, you hurt yourself;
Life is not easy, instead of blindly looking down on yourself to form a steady stream of internal friction, it is better to learn to focus more on yourself, accumulate your own energy, have hope, and strive to move forward.
For the rest of my life, I hope you and I can treat ourselves well, focus on ourselves, get along with others without being humble or arrogant, self-denial and self-restraint, and enjoy our own brilliant life.
In the second half of life, may you no longer have internal friction, and your life will be more and more exciting.
About the author: Sugar Candy, rich book author, love to read, pen tip ** mind, a person If you want to succeed, the 4th book has been published, and the book "Shielding Force" is selling wellYour life needs shielding power, and 5 million people together to upgrade their life cognition, this article: Franklin Book Club, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, without authorization, shall not be **, infringement must be investigated.
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