I'm Xiaolan, 33 years old, in a delicate office in a bustling city, busy working on a pile of papers. As an executive in a large company, everything seems to be in order in my life. But who would have thought that there are complex emotional stories hidden behind this?
When I was 25 years old, I married a male netizen I met online. He has a good sense of humor and always makes me smile from ear to ear. But married life was not as pleasant as his jokes. He gradually revealed his unrestrained nature and had no sense of responsibility for work and family.
I thought that the birth of my child would change him, but it turned out that I was wrong. Not only did he lose his job, but he also lost all our savings.
I sat down in my office chair and sighed softly. The cityscape outside the window twinkled at night, just like my winding emotional path, glamorous yet full of unknowns.
I think back to the bits and pieces of my first husband, those sweet and painful memories, and now all I have left is an agreement.
Xiaolan, are we going for a run tonight?A colleague's voice interrupted my thoughts. I smiled and nodded, deciding to leave the shadows of the past behind me for a moment.
I walked out of the office and went to a nearby park with my colleagues. Night runs are both a stress release and a time for self-reflection for me.
While jogging, I recalled my encounter with my second husband. He is a partner in my work, mature and stable, and very tolerant of my children. Our relationship soon warmed up, and we got married soon after.
However, the good times were short-lived. His mother thought I was a second marriage and had children, and she always had prejudices against me, and often caused conflicts between us.
I tried to fit in and tried to be a good daughter-in-law, but she always seemed to be dissatisfied. Every time I faced her cynicism, I felt unusually tired. Despite my husband's efforts to reconcile between us, a rift in the marriage had formed.
The pace of running was getting faster and faster, and it was as if I was trying to escape those worries. But there is no escaping reality. Within a year, my second husband and I chose to divorce because of these constant pressures and conflicts.
The lights in the park are reflected on the surface of the lake, creating a circle of ripples. I stopped and took a deep breath. Yes, I've failed twice, but life goes on and I can't just give up.
At this time, I remembered my current husband, the third husband who had been introduced by relatives in the family, and his appearance seemed to bring new hope to my life.
My third husband was a hardworking and down-to-earth person. He was very nice to me and my kids and always tried to accommodate our needs. In the beginning, I felt like I had finally found someone I could rely on. His steadiness and steadfastness brought me a sense of security that I had not felt for a long time.
However, as time went on, I found that something seemed to be missing between us. He is too ordinary and traditional to understand romance at all. We rarely travel, and life seems to be stuck in a monotonous cycle. I'm starting to wonder if there's still a relationship between us
After an ordinary dinner, I sat on the couch and pondered. I watched his busy back in the kitchen, and my heart was mixed. He was a good man, a good husband and father, but the romance I longed for was never ignited.
I started to think, what exactly is marriage?Is it a safe harbor, or is it a stirring of the heart?
My friends say I'm lucky to have met so many different types of men and experienced such a rich love life. But for me, it's not just an experience, it's a deep reflection on myself and my life. It's not just about being responsible for yourself, it's about you and your children.
At night, I lay in bed, looking at the ceiling, full of contradictions and confusion. I know that my third husband is a good man who gives me stability and security, but deep down I desire more. This longing made me feel guilty, but at the same time I couldn't suppress it.
I began to think back to our moments, those moments of warmth in the ordinary. His love for children, his thoughtfulness towards me, and the strength and sense of responsibility he showed in life. These are irreplaceably precious. However, there was still a part of my heart that felt empty.
In the silence of the long night, I made a decision. I need to communicate my feelings openly and honestly with him. Marriage should not only be a contract, but also a fit and resonance of each other's hearts. If we really lack that affection and romance between us, we need to work together to find and create it.