With the progress of educational concepts, more and more parents and friends realize that children's self-confidence or low self-esteem, encouragement and recognition in family education are very important.
Especially young parents who grew up in the blow of their parents are more eager to hope that their children can be confident and brave, and not suffer enough of inferiority complex as they did when they were young.
Therefore, this generation of parents is more willing to praise their children than the previous generation, and "you are awesome" and "come on baby" have almost become a mantra.
But can this encouragement really reach the child's heart?
Some parents will find out:Sometimes the more encouraging the child is, the more afraid he is of difficulties and the more he is afraid to try.
For example, some children play with building blocks, and after a few failed attempts, they stop playing, and adults encourage them next to them: "Come on, you will succeed!".”
As a result, after saying this, the child was even more aggrieved: "I will never play with this broken block again!."After that, no matter how much the adults tried to persuade them, the children refused to continue playing.
Why is it that the encouragement of parents does not work for their children at all?
That's the question we're going to have in this article today:Encouragement is important, but if done in the wrong way, it can be counterproductive.
These are encouraging
It's useless to children!
What encouragement doesn't work for children?
The first type of encouragement: empty encouragement. No matter what difficulties the child encounters, he is used to saying to him: "Come on" and "You are the best".
We ignore the fact that many things really don't have to be "refueled" to succeed, and after countless failures, refueling is an invisible pressure.
A parent complained that her child was unwilling to write homework, and sometimes the child would hum and cry when she couldn't finish it.
But no matter how much she encouraged, nothing changed the child.
This situation is not entirely because the child likes to procrastinate and grind, but he really can't do it, he is afraid that he will not be able to finish it, he is afraid that he will not be able to do it well, and he is unwilling to face it.
To put it bluntly, it's a matter of ability. At this time, a simple "come on" can not bring any confidence to the child, but makes the child more doubtful of his own abilityBecause the phrase "come on" expresses the parents' expectations for a successful outcomeThen the subtext is:
You have to do a good job. ”
How can you fail".
But instead of confidence, the child realizes that if he fails to meet his parents' expectations, his parents will be disappointed, and he will become more and more afraid of difficulties and failures, and finally have thoughts of avoidance and withdrawal.
When a child encounters something he is afraid to do, one is a lack of courage, and the other is that things really stump the child.
He said to you, "I won't" and "I don't want to study again", in fact, he said, "I think it's so difficult", "I tried hard, but I still can't", "I really can't do it".
A simple "come on" is a very lazy encouragement, and you can't see where the child's pain lies, and the child's inner fear is actually ignored.
In this sense, the word "come on" can also become hurtful.
The second type of encouragement is not to admit the difficulties encountered by the child, and always talk about "simple".
Some parents encourage their children, often saying:
The topic is very simple, you try again and you will be successful. ”
What's not going to be this, how easy is this!”
You see that such a small child can do it, and so can you. ”
We try to convince the child that what he is facing is easy, and our message is:You're making a big fuss.
However, the world is not the same as that seen by children and adults.
In the animal kingdom, many small animals have a survival instinct called "fight or flight". When critters are threatened by something, they assess their abilities and either run away or take the initiative. The same is true for children, the reason why they hesitate in the face of difficulties is because they lack confidence in themselves, they are not completely sure, and in the process of avoiding problems, they also arouse emotions such as fear or anxiety. If we ignore the child's true feelings and emphasize the simplicity of the problem, the child will not only not feel encouraged, but will feel more pressure"I thought it was so difficult, but my parents said it was very simple, it must be that I was too useless. ”Children with such thoughts will doubt their own abilities, feel that they are incompetent, and are prone to learn helplessness and give up their efforts. Encourage your child to be brave
Be "appropriate" and "moderate".
When the child is facing difficulties, we need to push the child, but we must push gently and patiently. A long time ago, I saw such a story: there was a little boy whose fingers were stuck in the mouth of the cap of a water cup and bottle, and he couldn't pull it out for a long time, and his parents took him to the fire brigade for help, and when they saw the firefighters take out the rescue tools, the little boy was frightened by the big pliers on the tools. At this time, his parents next to him comforted him:
You're the bravest man!”
What are you afraid of when you're a man?”
But such relief did nothing for the child, he cried
"But I'm still a child, how can I be brave?!”
The child's innocent words are very cute for adults to hear, but he speaks to all the children's hearts.
Vulnerability and helplessness are the rights of children. The little things that are mundane for adults are challenges for young children.
It is normal for them to be afraid and withdrawn when they encounter problems, but if we force him to be brave and cheer him on, the child's heart will be heavier, and he will think that his feelings are undeserved and wrong.
These children who are not understood are also pitiful.
I have heard that some parents teach their children who are afraid of water to learn how to swim, but it is useless to encourage and cheer them up, so they simply throw their children into the water and force them to learn.
As a result, it destroys the child's sense of security and trust in **, and makes the child's fear deeper, and the gain outweighs the loss. A child who experiences anxiety longs to be seen, accepted, and protected, and needs parents to tell him that you will be by his side, which is a psychological sense of security. Therefore, when we cheer for our children, we must put understanding first, and don't think that children are hypocritical and make a big fuss.
Encourage the process and details
Focus less on the results of the moment
So, what kind of encouragement can reach the child's heart?
First of all, you need to listen carefully to your child, focus on his emotions, and acknowledge the legitimacy of his negative feelings such as anger, sadness, and disappointment.
Example sentence: "You must be having a hard time now being scared and sad." "I can understand your feelings. The book "How to Tell Children to Listen How to Listen to Children to Speak" gives such an example:
The child said anxiously, "I'm going to take the math final exam tomorrow." ”
Compare to: "Come on, relax." I'm sure you'll do well. ”
Children actually want to hear what their parents say:"As worried as you sound, I bet you'd wish the exam was over now and you passed. ”
Sometimes your child just wants you to understand his feelings, and listening carefully or helping him express his feelings will lead to good results.
Because you don't reject his vulnerability and withdrawal, this feeling of recognition and acceptance can relieve half of the child's anxiety.
Secondly, let the child know that you will accompany him in the face of difficulties and pain.
Example sentence: "Let's figure it out together." "Mom and Dad are with you to try it out!"When encountering problems, every child will be more or less afraid of difficulties, and you can stand by his side and accompany him to face problems more than empty encouragement, which can bring him more support and encouragement. The power of the word "together" is very strong. For example, when a child learns to ride a bicycle for the first time, he or she needs the help of an adult to practice.
When your child feels safe and secure with you holding him or behind him, they will feel more comfortable learning.
It's the same in other things, it's not that adults have to do it for you all the time, it's about making your child feel safe and accompanied when he's feeling stressed.
This kind of appropriate help will allow the child to accumulate positive experiences, and he will become more and more courageous later. Finally, encourage more process and details and focus less on the results of the moment.
Example sentence: "I see you ......."Very well done. "We don't necessarily have to learn now. Carol Dweck, a professor at Stanford University in the United States, mentioned a very important word in the theory of growth mindset called"Not yet".
"not yet" means that the child is still working hard, but he has not yet reached the end.
This concept gives children hope and direction.
When encouraging your child, you should also cultivate this positive thinking.
Many children have high self-esteem and want to be strong, and coupled with their parents' attention to results, they think that they must do things well and succeed immediately. For example, if a child learns calligraphy and does not write well at first, they will give up on themselves and say, "I can't learn well!".”
Then, when we encourage our children, we can add yet: at the end of the sentenceYou just haven't learned it yet.
At the same time, pay attention to the details and efforts in the child's process, and you can pick out which specific character is well written, even if it is horizontal or vertical, you can point it to him.
Let your child understand that he has already begun to learn how to write well with a brush.
Not only can the child feel that you care about him, but the child will also have confidence in his heart, and also provide the child with a direction to work towards.
Parents can put themselves in their child's shoes and provide the right amount of help to help him take the first step.
Do these three points well, and believe that children will no longer only say "I can't do it" and "I can't" when encountering problems, but are full of confidence in themselves and have the courage to try and challenge.
May all children have the courage to overcome setbacks and move forward with optimism!
*: Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlzgs) Chongqing female
Editor: Tuo Shijia.
Reviewer: Zhang Yulan.