Many parents don't realize that rebellion is not a child's problem, nor is it a difficult problem to solve.
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Many parents have a headache about their children's "rebellion". Always looking for some way to "fix" the child.
In fact, a child's rebellion is a good start, and if parents grasp it well, it will benefit the child for a lifetime;If you don't grasp it well, it may harm the child.
We may all have experienced adolescent and adolescent rebellion, but as parents, we can't really understand a child's feelings.
I have experienced thousands of cases of "rebellion" of children, and I have my own experience and summary.
Recently, I was deeply moved by an article about a teenager looking for himself.
Actually, the child's rebellion itself is not a big deal. Everyone has a tendency to rebel within themselves.
For the growth of a person's life, rebellion is only temporary, and only after this temporary struggle and pain will the child slowly mature and truly understand the intentions of his parents.
Find yourself
"Teenager" tells the story of a child who has just turned seventeen.
Although this young man is still full of childishness, his tall body is already like an adult. His mother was only as high as his shoulders, and his father began to look up to him.
Rebellion has become the way he communicates with his parents. Finally, one day, the father and the boy had a heart-to-heart conversation and asked him why he was no longer well-behaved.
The boy said, "I have grown up, and I am no longer a pawn under your control. I need to have my own life, I need to find myself....”
The father sighed, "How are you going to find it?"”
A bag, a compass. I need to leave your shadow and find my coordinates. ”
Then go ahead, kid. Your mom and I are here waiting for your good news. "The father gave the boy 500 yuan. The boy left home from then on. Began his journey in search of youth and self.
The teenager went to a city far from home. There is no more nagging from teachers and parents. Of course, there is no longer a moment of boo and warmth from parents.
In that bizarre city, 500 yuan was like a glass of water poured into the desert, and it quickly seeped away.
Looking at the shriveled wallet, the boy thought of giving up. But the thought of the ridicule he might receive when he went home made him swallow tears in his stomach.
In order to survive, this teenager, who rarely even washes his own clothes at home, began to work in some small shops.
A tiring day, just to have a hot meal and a shelter from the wind and rain - these things that he once had at his fingertips and did not cherish in the slightest, in that city far from home, accompanied the rebellious growth of the teenager.
Spring goes to autumn, and the year is coming soon. A teenager has worked as a plate in a restaurant, as a security guard in a large company, as a doorman in a hotel, and as a vendor in a night market
The boy's hands are finally covered with calluses in his tired life.
The young man's heart also experienced the world with the sunrise and sunset, and he gradually understood the difficulties of his parents' life in the past, and their love for him.
Finally, just as the New Year was approaching, the boy dialed the number he knew by heart.
* On the other end of the spectrum is the excited voice of the father and the joyful sobbing of the mother. The father said, "If you find what you want, come back." At the moment of hanging up **, the boy burst into tears.
Soon he boarded the train home. In the bag, there are two more underwear bought for my parents, which are packaged plainly and beautifully. This is a sensible son who uses his own hands in exchange for New Year's gifts for his parents.
This is the end of the story.
But the boy's growth continues, and this is only one stage in his growing up.
Although it is short, it is the most critical stage. From rebellion to understanding, the heart really grows.
Why rebel?
How can you be young if you are not frivolous, and how can you be called proud if you are not presumptuous!
As children grow older, their bodies and minds change dramatically. Rebellion is like a seed waiting to sprout, brewing deep in the child's body.
Children are eager to be recognized by the world, and they are eager to show the world that they have grown up through rebellious behavior, and they are no longer children in the eyes of their parents, and they are no longer "chess pieces" that can be manipulated casually.
At this time, parents must combine their own growth experience to support, affirm, and believe in their children, and face their children with an attitude of "human nature is good".
It is generally accepted that a child's rebellion is a necessary process in life, just as a caterpillar cannot become a beautiful butterfly without breaking out of its cocoon.
However, most parents can't be as tolerant as they are to caterpillars, sympathize with his struggles, and look forward to his growth, but they feel extremely distressed, and they are deeply afraid that this kind of rebellion will not only break the customary authority, but also break the existing order of the world.
As a result, there is the question of "what to do in the face of rebellious children".
Actually, all the rebellion,All come from a rebellion against bondage and limitations.
What the child is facing,In addition to his own physical and psychological constraints,There are also various restrictions on the deliberate construction of the surrounding **.
In the past, he could not be aware of this kind of bondage and limitation, and even if he did, he was powerless to resist.
As they grow older, they are able to see the world clearly, and a new self is eager to try in the fog.
However, the limitations are so tight and indestructible, and the power of growth is not enough to break free from the shackles of one's own physical, psychological and intellectual shackles.
At this time, the child is suffering from transformation and experiencing unprecedented confusion, so there will be all kinds of rebellious actions, just to show his own existence.
When we accuse our children of rebellion, we also expose the root of this rebellion: the control and repression that overcare has evolved.
It is this gentle restraint of seemingly good intentions that makes growing children at a loss.
Therefore, while accusing the child of disobedience, you should also reflect on yourself, whether you have restrained the child's body and mind, and whether you have not given the child enough space and enough understanding.
You know, rebellion is not an unforgivable mistake, nor is it an unsolvable problem. What we want to do is to help children, not to keep them away from their parents, away from their families.
Therefore, what parents should do in this special period is to observe their children and understand their children's real thoughts. Then put yourself in the child's shoes and help them.
When there are adolescent children at home, many parents will feel annoyed because the children are older, and all kinds of problems will follow.
At this time, they have their own ideas, and they no longer listen to their parents for everything, and sometimes even contradict their parents and do all kinds of things that are unacceptable to their parents. Many parents often feel angry and hateful for their children.
Before this stage comes, as a parent, if you want to force your child to be obedient through the "authority" from above, then there is a good chance that your child's rebellious psychology will be strengthened.
Because times are changing, children are growing, and their rebellion always has roots. And true care, communication, and understanding are the only ways to find the root cause of the problem.
Therefore, in the face of growing children, we need to completely put down the shelf of "parents" and regain our childlike innocence in order to face the so-called rebellion.
Because "power" can't solve the problem, let alone soothe the child's rebellion.
We are friends
I have a parent of a student who is a role model in this regard. She has a 19-year-old daughter, and the one thing her mother and daughter say the most is: We are friends.
She told me that the communication with her daughter is equal, and sometimes there is a dispute due to differences of opinion, and if she thinks afterwards that she is wrong or wrongly criticized her daughter, she will take the initiative to admit her mistake.
When a child asks for something, she never refuses and judges without thinking.
Even if it is a very ridiculous request, after careful consideration, it will be responded to and discussed "as a thing", and find a good reason for her to understand her opinion.
Not only that, but this parent also asks for the child's opinion on many things, and even if the child's opinion is bad, he listens carefully and discusses it with her.
Even if it is very necessary, it will be used with "I hope..."Or, "I suggest....At least in form, leave her room for autonomy, let her have room to learn, think, and reflect, instead of rigidly imposing her own ideas on the child.
The mother was actually implementing an avant-garde educational philosophy.
It is to treat the child as if it were a child and make them feel respected, unless in some cases they are automatically willing to act as a child.
Such parents will always support and affirm their children, especially after their children have made serious mistakes, and they will always have affirmation and support for their corrective attitude.
In our teaching of children, we must really treat our children as one person and only then can we truly understand our children.
A story
Two children who are about to become adults have asked their parents to move out.
The father of one of the children said, "What's wrong?".I can't accommodate you at home, so stay for me!”
The father of another child said, "Do you really want to?"How can I help you?”
Who knows, the result is the opposite. The father, who opposed the child moving out, not only failed to prevent the child from coming out of the family, but also had a deep conflict with the child.
The father, who supported the child moving out, instead kept the child.
The reason is that the first child, hearing that his father stopped him so arbitrarily, felt that it was not interesting to be at home, and it was better to move out earlier.
The other child was completely different, when he proposed to move out, his father not only did not stop him, but asked him what he needed, which made him feel the warmth of family affection, and felt that it was actually good at home, so he decided not to move out.
It is actually a gratifying thing for a child to have an independent idea and desire to get rid of his dependence on his parents, but it is a worrying thing if he relies on his parents for everything!
Just imagine, a child grows up**, twenty or thirty years old, still "gnawing at the old", still relying on his parents, and has no ability to survive independently.
The old parents complained, scolding the child for being a waste and not angry, but it didn't help, the child has been raised!This kind of thing abounds in China!
But to understand this, we must be willing to let go of the role of parents: "traditional authority".
Only by temporarily detaching from the role of parents can we face the struggles of another "person" with the attitude of one "person".
Many parents worry that this kind of education will be just indulgence and let them do whatever they want
In fact, we don't have to worry about our children being unconditioned at all. As shown in the previous example,True restraint does not require power or majesty.
Because children are struggling to grow up, they need others to identify with their roles the most, which is the formation of self-concept and the enlightenment of thoughts, so they are most susceptible.
Unfortunately, many parents always expect an immediate effect, so they often use absolute repression, and the result is not just rebellion.
As a result, our children are pushed further and further away by our incomprehension.
Therefore, in the face of a child's rebellion, the most important thing is to recognize the truth of the facts: it is not who rebelled against whom, but there is a child who wants to grow up and wants to "live himself".
Of course we feel pain, but anger doesn't have to. If he goes in the right direction, we should be optimistic about the success of the life transmitterIf he strays into the abyss of depravity, we should rush over immediately and help him to get up from his difficulties.
Allow yourself to slowly let go of your role as a parent, return to a self-centered life, and pay more attention to yourself, your partner, and your quality of life.
We have nothing to lose, because although he is our child, he is a completely independent individual, and on the journey of life, he will eventually have his own life and create the life he wants.
May we walk on the best road, find the yearning and expectation of a lifetime, and be full of glory when we return.