Highlights of this article
Previously, I once posted an article about marriage in Tong Xing, which was about how to deal with the differences between two people in marriage.
After that article was published in Tongxing, it was ** by public accounts such as Slave Society and Wu Zhihong.
I've found that every time I publish an article, there is a very similar message:
Only a two-way relationship is useful.
In life, I also have friends who have talked to me about marriage problems.
Of course, most of it is their other half's problem.
I don't care about other people complaining about my husband and partner, but I just regret that there is always a sense of pinning my happiness on others.
We seem to insist that marital happiness, or our own happiness, is something that requires the dedication and effort of another person to achieve.
I used to think so too, butNow I have a new understanding
What is marriage to happiness?
If you ask everyone a question, do you want to be happy?I don't think anyone will give a negative answer.
Happiness is the goal that many people pursue, but what exactly is happiness?
Faced with this problem, we are likely to think of two factors: one is marriage, and the other is money.
In the eyes of most people, there is abundant material resources and no worries about food and clothing;Having a considerate partner, family harmony, and harmonious relationships are indispensable criteria for evaluating happiness.
To some extent, there may be some truth, but it doesn't hit the root of the problem.
Maybe it seems to us that those who are happy are what they are described, but do we see the way they are happy?Worry-free food and clothing and harmonious relationships are not necessarily the cause of happiness, but are likely to be a manifestation of happiness.
Over the years, I can feel more happy.
The reason why I feel stronger is not because I am richer, but because I am more and more able to find a state of "self-consistency".
Being able to feel the present without regretting the past, worrying about the future, feeling the present more relaxed, having more awareness of yourself and the environment, and having more feelings of happiness.
How can we be self-consistent?
That is, the closer you can get to your original self, the more you will be able to find a sense of self-consistency, which is the basis of happiness.
That is to say, constantly exploring oneself, finding oneself that is covered by various problems, and seeing one's true thoughts and feelings is the only way to reduce internal friction and feel happiness.
So what is the difference between marriage and happiness?
Marriage is not a necessity for happiness, but one of our paths to happiness.
Through the relationship between two people, we continue to discover and approach a more authentic self, solve the problems that once limited us, and achieve a more consistent state, which is the true meaning of marriage for happiness.
The meaning of marriage is not about who you meet
It's who you become
Recently, I've read it twice"Intimacy".
Each time there is a different harvest, and I have a new understanding of marriage.
In the past, I thought that the meaning of intimacy was to find someone who matched my soul and experienced and walked through it together for a lifetime.
In this understanding, the other half is indispensable, assuming expectations and responsibilities.
But now,I think the point of intimacy is not who we meet, but who it leads us to be.
The other half of life is not here to make up for our own shortcomings and help us make a complete circle;
Rather, it is a key that helps us to open the door that holds us to grow into a complete person.
For the first 20 years of our lives, we lived mainly with our parents.
They will take that world for granted as a "normal" world, and at the same time, they will also experience love and hurt in the process, and form their own cognitive and behavioral patterns.
After a long time, we are like a river flowing towards a fixed place, moving forward day after day.
The appearance of the other half often breaks this calm.
He would make waves in the river and even try to change the direction of the river.
In the process, we will feel very uncomfortable and have a lot of conflicts. So I tried hard to make the other party conform to him, restore the past calm and slow forward days.
If we have this mentality, we will always be in a state of struggle when we get along with each other.
If we continue to fight, we will suspect that the person we are looking for is not Mrms right, I didn't find the other half who fits me.
But"Intimacy".This book made me understand that there is no such thing as a consistent and calm event, and that the meaning of a partner is to make you break out of your old life day after day, jump out of the mold, and seek your true self.
Conflict is indeed not beautiful, but it is the conflict between two people that tells us that you are not as free as you think, you have your own shackles, and you need to come out and find your true self.
When we recognize,Every conflict with our partner is a sign of past pain and an opportunity for us to grow, our feelings about the other half will also change from complaining to grateful
No matter whether the other party is good or bad, he has a meaning that cannot be denied for our growth.
The person you hate may be yourself
A few days ago, a friend asked me if I think my husband is a man, so I have to take more responsibility financially
Marriage is inseparable from the economic foundation, in the communication with many people, the income that the husband can create in the marriage and the economic conditions provided for the family are the topics of concern to everyone, and they are also the problems criticized by some wives.
In the past, I would always complain intermittently.
said that Mr. was not motivated enough, complained that he was under pressure, why he couldn't be like others, he could not bear the burden of life, and he had to worry about supporting his family every day.
But then, I slowly discovered a pattern.
That is, when I complain about the other person, it's usually when I don't feel good about myself.
If I am in good shape and positive, I will not feel that my husband is not motivated and does not work hard.
This reminds me of a saying:
The self in the eyes of others is not oneself, the self in one's own eyes is not oneself, and the others in one's eyes are oneself.
"Intimacy".It is also mentioned that everyone has a "shadow figure" in their hearts.
On the one hand, he is called a "shadow character" because he always behaves "dark" and has all the shortcomings that we don't like;On the other hand, it is because it is actually the "shadow" of everyone.
The shortcomings of the "shadow figures" are none other than our own problems.
In life, the person who is most likely to become our "shadow character" is the other half of the marriage.
But the reason why they became "shadows" is not because they are really unbearable, but more because of their intimacy with each other.
We often lament the beauty of our first acquaintance, complain that we "can't go back", or "choose the wrong one", but in fact, all of this is just the inevitable "disillusionment" in the process of intimacy.
Beauty doesn't have to be fleeting, but it must be constantly changing. In the journey of intimacy, what we need to do is not only to enjoy the good, but also to break the illusion and discover the good.
And this phantom is more in ourselves.
When you're 100% responsible, you have the right to choose
In many people's minds, intimacy involves two people, so the responsibility should be divided in half, and I have to work hard, but you should also give.
"Intimacy".It also talked about whether we should give 100% effort in its business relationship.
The author's point of view is,Everyone should put in 100% effort to maintain the connection between two people, rather than giving 50% of their own and then stopping and waiting for the other party to fill the remaining 50%.
Choosing to be 100% responsible for intimacy is not just an act of blindly giving, but an attitude towards life.
On the one hand, it is only when we really choose to be 100% responsible for something that we have the right to make a choice about it.
On the other hand, as the "dichotomy of control" says, control what can be controlled, accept what cannot be controlled, and only by giving up the obsession with the uncontrollable factors can we gain a sense of control over life.
Just like in marriage, only when we take the responsibility of managing the relationship as our own responsibility, can we have the decisiveness to make decisions in the face of the outcome.
If we still hope for change on the other side, we will not only be disappointed, but also will mean that we will give up the right to make decisions.
Of course, even if you say this, there will still be many people who say that they have no choice but to do so.
In fact, many times, we don't have no choice, we just don't have the "perfect" choice of living a worry-free, considerate, and envied by everyone.
The so-called growth is the process of shouldering those problems that we once thought were unpredictable and unladylike to meet people and being responsible for ourselves.
Happiness is a life goal that everyone strives for, but marriage is not a sufficient condition or even a necessary condition for achieving happiness.
If you meet a lover who is willing to go both ways, it is a blessing to be blessed;But if not, the right to happiness is still in our own hands, and we don't need anyone to run to ourselves to be happy.
We ourselves have the ability to make ourselves happy.
In life, we have complicated family relationships (including but not limited to the previous generation, the same generation, the next generation, ......The word "family" is often an airtight pressure**;
We have strained working relationships (not just on issues, but also in an unpredictable workplace atmosphere) that can give us value, but it can also expose us to criticism and vilification.
See, no matter how we live, we are all troubled by all kinds of things, all kinds of people. In fact, there will be no absolutely correct decision, and there will be no stable and worry-free reality and future.
We're going to regret it all the time, reflect on it, and then move on
So how can we better recognize and evaluate ourselves, reduce unnecessary anxiety, and stop screwing ourselves?
InKid Walk is not anxious about the parents' club, you will be able to get that guidance and positive feedback.
In this community, there are professional teachers in psychology, brain science, and education, Jing Fang's personal Q&A, and real-time sharing and interactive ...... between team leaders and group members
Joining the Kids No Anxiety Parents Club, what you will experience is the value of "yourself" and the importance of "yourself". Only after true self-consistency can we fundamentally change the mentality of life!
Author | vivi
Mom of 6-year-old girl.
Make an effort to find yourself in a conversation with your child.
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