Author: Bai Tong (Nine Sugar Marriage and Family Counselor).
In the redemption of the marital relationship, if the client only hopes to save the relationship, but does not re-acquaint himself with the other person and change himself, this will hinder the recovery of the relationship, or it will be very slow.
Marital crises that cannot be addressed at the root will always be risky
When the client's wife filed for divorce from him and sought redemption from us, the plan was two months, and when they carried out half a month, their development had changed greatly, the wife no longer mentioned divorce, and at the same time showed some changes in her wife and himself through the side relationship, she felt these changes, and when the client communicated with her, the wife began to respond without rejection and resistance.
But there was a risk in doing so, and the client had two children, aged six and nine. When his wife filed for divorce, the two children were taken by his grandparents, and part of the reason the client saved the marriage was because of the children.
The other is that the client thinks that he does not prostitute or gamble, and pays his salary every month, but he is forced to divorce and can not let go.
Therefore, the counselor's Xi and actions are relatively passive, and even if this is the case, even if the recovery is successful, the future married life will not be stable.
The couple has been married for six years, the woman has been a full-time mother who takes care of the family, and the visitor is mainly engaged in logistics and transportation. In the past two years, the industry competition has reduced income, and the two children have to go to school again, which has made the pressure on the man more and more.
In order to share the client's burden, his wife told him that he had found a job, with a good salary and not harsh requirements, but it was far away from home. She hopes to work on the one hand to earn some money and reduce the burden on her family.
At first, the man did not agree with this. But his wife told him that he would go to work for a few months to earn some money, and then make a decision depending on the situation, and the man finally agreed.
Before his wife went out to work, he never thought that he would have the idea of divorce, and always thought that the two had a good relationship. However, at that time, the wife was already feeling very depressed, and she began to feel that she was "not valued" and "not cared for".
In the past few months when my wife has gone out to work, the total number of messages sent by the two of them does not exceed 20, and usually when there is something to do, the grandparents and the wife play **, send **, and understand the situation of the two children.
If you don't see your efforts, you can't be recognized.
Half a month later, in the communication with the visitor's wife, I gradually understood the whole picture of their marriage and getting along, and it was also confirmed by the visitor.
Visitors take money home every month, and when they get home, they just lie on the couch and play games.
The child's evaluation of his father is "he knows how to play with his mobile phone and doesn't play with me", at this time, he will accuse his wife of not taking the child, and he is already very tired and annoys him.
When the client is growing up, there is very little emotional interaction between his parents, and in his cognition, when his partner is not around, it is actually normal not to connect. Although he loved his wife very much, he didn't know how to care for her.
For the family's expenses, my wife has been saving money, as for where to spend money, how much to spend, whether it is enough or not is almost nothing, I have always felt that I only need to give the money I earn to my wife, it is enough, my own pressure, hard work, basically do not say.
The two of them quarreled many times because of such things, which made the wife feel that this family and children seemed to be her alone, and had nothing to do with her husband.
The visitor subconsciously felt that when he got married, took the money home, and did not smoke or drink, he was doing his greatest responsibility, and his wife should take care of everything else.
Only by recognizing the other party psychologically can we change.
In the past article "The relationship between two people in marriage, there are actually six people present", it was mentioned that if we only know a person from our own perspective, it is difficult to understand her more objectively.
In order to strengthen the client's confidence in recovery, the counselor assigned him a task:
He was asked to ask three people around him to do a survey, which included his wife's dedication and care for the family and children, her planning for the family, his wife's purchase of clothes and cosmetics for herself, and her normal household expenses.
After completing this investigation task, he suddenly realized: it turns out that my wife has been silently contributing to the family, and she is very frugal. It's been a long time since she's bought anything like makeup, jewelry, bags, dresses.
And in the few months without my wife, I felt that when my wife was at home before, she would carefully prepare clothes, medicines, etc. every time she set off for a long distance.
And in his old concept, he always thought: I gave you all the money I earned, isn't it responsible enough?What else do you want from me?
During this time, he began to repeat the things his wife used to do, such as tidying up the wardrobes of his two childrenClean up the room at home;Keep track of household expenses;Play with your child. These things also made him realize the hard work behind the triviality.
When the client is determined to make amends, the change in behavior and language becomes positive and natural, and the smooth and effective outcome of the consultation is natural.
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