The daughter grew up absorbing her mother s emotions

Recently, I accidentally watched a speech by Fan Deng, the former TV program host. , he asked the audience: "Who is the biggest enemy of a woman in this life?"Some people answered men, and some people answered mother-in-law, but they were all denied by Fan Deng, and in the end, he gave an answer that no one had thought of:The most injuries a woman has suffered in her life actually come from her mother. He mentioned the case of a daughter who has been hurt by her mother all her life, even if the daughter is in her 60s and her mother is already in her 80s, the mother-daughter relationship is still full of ubiquitous desire for control. And the way a mother controls her daughter is to morally kidnap her daughter. This mother always talks about complaints such as "you are angry with me", "you are so angry that my stomach hurts", "let me die" and other complaints, and manipulates her daughter with guilt. What is even more terrifying is that such a tragedy is not an isolated case. In the book "The Bonds of Mother's Love", Carell, who has been engaged in psychology for 28 years, found that many women, from high-status CEOs, professionals, to stay-at-home stay-at-home mothers, have been hurt by their mother's emotions in the process of growing up, thus becoming sensitive, inferior, anxious, and extremely insecure. Daughters are natural followers of their mothers, and every girl grows up absorbing her mother's emotions. Most of the girls who need to spend their lives to hurt themselves have a bad mood behind them.

01 That year, the girl was just born. She was born to be a little crying bag: cold, crying;Sleepy, crying;Peeing, still crying. At first, when she heard her daughter crying, her mother would always try her best to coax her. But as time passed, in the face of her daughter's crying, the mother became more and more irritable and restless. In addition, the people around him always persuade the mother: "It's okay, the child will naturally stop crying after crying for a while, the more you coax, the easier it is to spoil her, and you will be tired in the future." So, the mother began to ignore her daughter's emotions. When her daughter is older, as long as she cries, her mother will threaten with a blank face: "I'll count to three, and quickly take back the tears." "Don't cry, if you cry again, your mother won't want you." The girl was scared, crying, and opened her arms to her mother to hug. But the mother did her own thing, neither looked at her daughter, nor paid attention to her daughter's needs, and let her daughter cry on the side. Gradually, my daughter never cried like children of the same age. Even if I am so sad that the tears are already rolling in my eyes, I will try my best to inhale and blink my eyes, and control myself not to let the tears roll down. Seeing that her daughter is so "sensible", the mother is very satisfied. But she didn't know:At this moment, it was his own indifference that destroyed his daughter's sense of security.

In the year 02, the girl was 6 years old and had just started elementary school. The relationship between father and mother seems to be in trouble, and the two of them have a small quarrel for three days and a big quarrel for five days. So, in the name of work, Dad always used the name of work to play cards and drink outside, and never came home at night. There is no way, my mother can only carry the burden of the family alone. While my mother was tired, she was even more aggrieved. With nowhere to vent, she always complained and cried in front of the young girl, telling her over and over again how her father had no conscience, sorry for herself, and even more sorry for the family. The mother thought that her daughter was still young and didn't understand anything. didn't know that the sensitive daughter had already seen her mother's grievances. Sensible, she wants to ** her mother's bad mood and let the smile return to her mother's face. So, she tried her best to do everything: at school, her daughter studied hard and always came out on top in exams. Even if you are wronged, you will only blindly tolerate it, for fear of making your mother worry about her own affairs;At home, she takes the initiative to cook and clean. Always carefully observe the state of my mother, and try my best to make my mother laugh. But even so, my mother was still unhappy. The mother's sigh was like rain falling on her daughter, so that her young heart was soaked in darkness and dampness, and there was no sunlight at all. At this moment, it was the mother who used negative energy to plant a seed called "sadness" in her daughter's heart.

03 That year, the girl was 12 years old and in the sixth grade of elementary school. After her parents divorced, her daughter has been living with her mother. Because my mother has to go to work, most of the time, my grandparents pick up the girls from school. Until one day, my grandmother accidentally discovered that there were always various scars on her granddaughter's face and body. At first, the girl was reluctant to say. Under the repeated questioning of her grandmother, the girl tearfully told the truth: it turned out that after the divorce, the mother had high expectations for her daughter, and set the goal of "being admitted to the top three or five universities in the country" for her early. In order to achieve this goal, her mother often gave her a lot of extracurricular homework. even asked her daughter, who is only in the sixth grade of primary school, to do the test papers of college English level 4 and 6 and the college entrance examination. Once you can't do it, you will get severe punishment and beatings from your mother.

Once, because her daughter's memorization of texts did not meet the requirements, the mother threw the book in her daughter's face in a fit of anger, and the girl's face and forehead instantly became red and swollen. When my grandmother saw it, she was distressed and angry, and called the police with the help of community workers. But even after receiving a domestic violence warning letter from the police station, my mother still went her own way. As long as the daughter doesn't meet her own requirements, she will be furious. The mother's irritability made the originally innocent and lively daughter live in trembling every day. In the most serious case, while cooking, the mother randomly checked the "lifting homework" assigned to her daughter. Finding that her daughter had not finished it, the angry mother actually raised the hot spatula in her hand and waved it at her daughter's small hand and face.

The mother's violence turned the originally warm home into hell in the eyes of her daughter. At this moment, it was the mother who used her irritability and irritability to trap her daughter in a nightmare of fear and insecurity. In the year 04, the girl was 16 years old and had just entered high school. After the first final exam, the girl was in the top three of her class, and she even played well in mathematics, which she had not been good at. The daughter was happy because her mother had promised her that if she could get into the top five in her class, she would take her to the amusement park she had always wanted to go to. Unexpectedly, when her daughter jumped into the park, her mother suddenly said, "Come here, my salary for three days of hard work will be gone." Hearing this, the daughter stopped her joyful steps, the corners of her mouth drooped, and said "oh". Mom didn't notice it at all, and kept nagging throughout the whole process: "You also know the conditions of our family, usually don't always compare food and clothing with your classmates at school, compare with study, don't see anyone going to the amusement park and you are clamoring to go." "It's not easy for Mom and Dad to raise you, you have to go to college in the future, and there are many places to spend money." "The consumption of this broken playground is too high, and one meal will catch up with our food expenses for a week, you can eat it yourself, and your mother will go out to eat a bowl of noodles in a while." ”.In the mother's opinion, she seized a good opportunity to educate her daughter to be diligent and thrifty and not to compare. But these words fell on her daughter's ears, but they had another meaning: "I was born to collect debts, my parents worked so hard because of me, and my family was so poor because of me." If it weren't for me, everyone would have had a lot easier. As a result, her daughter became more and more silent, and self-blame and guilt continued to spread in her heart. Eventually, she gradually grew into an adult with low self-esteem, cowardice, and feeling that she did not deserve love and warmth.

Many times, the mother's sense of sacrifice is not education for the daughter, but poisoning. 05 That year, the girl was 18 years old and had just taken the college entrance examination. When filling in the college entrance examination volunteer, this girl, who had been trapped in a small town in Hubei for the first 18 years, was eager to go to Dalian Maritime University to study maritime law. But the mother, who has always been strong, refused mercilessly. The reason is very simple, my mother thinks that Dalian is too far away, and the road fee alone will cost hundreds of yuan. More importantly, what if my daughter graduates and never comes back?So, at the strong request of her mother, her daughter compromised and went to Wuhan University near her home. But the mother did not withdraw her hands because of this: during college, the mother and her daughter have been squeezed into a small bed less than 1.2 meters in the dormitory;After graduation, she interfered in her daughter's job search in every possible way, and resolutely refused to let her daughter leave her. In this way, the girl stumbled until she was 30 years old, and finally was admitted to the graduate school of maritime law at Shanghai Maritime University with excellent results. This time, the mother still didn't want to let go, and once again followed her daughter to Shanghai and lived in her daughter's dormitory. Only this time, the school did not turn a blind eye. Instead, the girl was given a notice to move out of the dormitory with her mother. The process of finding a house did not go well, the girl felt depressed and tired, she recalled her mother's impenetrable desire for control in the past 30 years, and wrote sadly in her diary: "It is said that knowledge can change fate, why have I learned so much knowledge, but I still haven't changed it?".Then, early the next morning, the girl hanged herself in the bathroom of the dormitory.

After the death of her daughter, her mother went around to reporters to cry and ask the school for compensation, but she didn't think about it at all:It was his desire for control that devoured his daughter's desire to live. 06 Bob, a British developmental psychologist, once proposed the theory of "attachment patterns", early attachment patterns, creating relationship archetypes throughout our lives. Especially for moms and daughters. In the early years of her life, how a daughter relates to her mother greatly affects her relationship with the world later in life. When it comes to Zhang Ailing, many people's first reaction is that they are talented women and writers. But those who know her know that she is still a daughter who has spent her life escaping the negative effects of her mother, and in the autobiographical ** "Book of Changes", Zhang Ailing wrote: "Dad never broke my heart, because I never loved him." But mother, you are different, you are more than him. Because of her mother's bad mood, Zhang Ailing has always been trapped in the siege of mental illness, and in her later years, she has been living a life of isolation, sensitive to the point of being a little neurotic. There is such a sentence in the book "Raising a Daughter" that impressed me:

"You can see the connection between the childhood you gave her and the strength and quality she has today.

When you leave, a good woman will continue to live, and she will also teach everything you have taught her and teach her offspring. ”

After all, the process of raising a daughter is also a journey of self-cultivation for mothers. I hope all mothers can remember this sentence:Love is not a bondage, but a mutual fulfillment.