Meet · Meet your unknown self in the book. "I can't believe that you will treat me badly. Yang Benfen, who is in her old age, in the autobiographical ** "My Fragrance", expressed her pain in her long marriage through the mouth of the heroine Huicai. Who is Yang Benfen?Back to 3 years ago, at the age of 80, she published her first book "Autumn Garden". Douban score 90, won 12 domestic literary awards. This is the first of her women's trilogy. In 2022, following "Autumn Garden" and "Driftwood", she wrote her 60-year marriage story into "My Fragrance". is a plain story of less than 80,000 words, but it is a woman's life trapped by marriage. "My Fragrance" is an apocalypse written for unmarried girls, and it is also like the most bitter mirror, allowing every woman in the besieged city to see the truth about marriage:Happiness can never depend on others. You are the only one who can save yourself from fire and water. 
Marriage is not a life-saving straw, only oneself can save oneselfIn the 60s of the twentieth century, Huicai, a rural girl, wanted to change her fate through reading. But the road to education has been repeatedly frustrated. First of all, the secondary school in Changsha was suspended. After that, he went to Jiangxi to study as a teacher, but when he was about to graduate, he was notified to be sent down because of his family background. Huicai was disheartened and wanted to go back to his hometown to farm, but learned from a friend that his father was starving to death, his mother fled with his younger brother, and there was no place for her in the world. When she was desperate, Dr. Lui, who had only met her a few times and had a crush on each other, offered to send her to study on the condition that she marry him. Although Huicai didn't want to get married so early, she wanted to go to school so much, and Dr. Lui's promise, like a light in the darkness, gave her hope. Writer Zheng Yuanjie once said, "Pinning your hopes on others means keeping your disappointment to yourself." ”You think that the hands reaching out to you will pull you out of the mire, but it turns out that choosing the wrong person will only push you into an even more desperate abyss. After marriage, the reality was like a scoop of cold water, pouring it on his head, making all Huicai's expectations come to naught. said that he would send her to study, but Dr. Lu pushed her again and again in the name of "no chance". She was afraid that others would say that she was attached to Dr. Lui, so she offered to become a farmer in the countryside. Although his residence was only a mile away from the hospital, Lu Ning was willing to go back to the hospital to chat with his colleagues rather than stay with him. She spent the night with rats, darkness, and nightmares, and talked to her husband, only to get an indifferent "scare yourself", and Lu only came over on weekends to sit for a while and leave. Even when she went back to her hometown to see her in-laws, Lu asked her to go by herself. Eating alone, living alone, and solving all difficulties alone, Huicai looked around and found that there was nothing in the marriage that could be grasped by her. 
The more vulnerable a person is, the more he craves security. It's easy to entrust yourself to another person in exchange for a sense of security because of the fear that comes with vulnerability. But this security is not really safe, because it is in the hands of someone else and can be lost at any time. Marriage is never a lifesaver. True security does not come from marriage and men, but from oneself. It is to walk out of one's own way little by little with one's feet, and it is to have the ability to face changes at any time. In this world, the lover who can always warm you, tolerate you, spur you, and accompany you is actually yourself. 
Don't be a "tool" in marriage, please live for yourselfEngels once said a very heart-wrenching sentence that marriage is to ensure that every man has his own slaves. In the marriage between Huicai and Dr. Lui, she is more like a "tool man". Even if you give everything, you still can't get everything you deserve as a person and a wife. When she was pregnant, she asked Dr. Lu to help pour the foot-washing water, but Lu remained motionless because she didn't want his wife to be pampered. After giving birth, he wanted Lu to sleep in bed and help take care of him at night, but Lu said that he was bloody, and emphasized again that he could not be pampered. During the confinement, she took care of the children, cooked, and did housework, and one day she couldn't cook on time, and Lu actually lifted the pot that was cooking. This kind of small hurt is constantly played out in marriage. Huicai even thought about dying, but when he saw the cute little faces of the children, he still endured it. Dr. Lui is not a villain. He is thin and elegant, does not smoke, drink, play cards, swear, beat, and have ambiguous relationships with other women. He treats his work seriously and responsibly, treats his colleagues warmly and generously, treats relatives and friends generously, but he only has two words for his wife, indifferent. A good person in the eyes of others brings his wife to a bad marriage. Character only determines the lower limit of marriage, and love determines the upper limit of marriage. 
In "Wonderful Sayings", Chen Ming shared a small incident with his lover. One day, when his wife came home from work, she saw a pile of shoes spread out next to the shoe cabinet, so she lost her temper and accused Chen Ming. Chen Ming immediately realized that his wife must have been in a bad mood when something happened to him, and he was "angry". So, he trotted over, kicked his shoes open, and said to his wife, "Who made you angry today!".I'll go to him tomorrow and ask him to apologize to you. His wife was immediately amused, and the little unpleasantness was easily resolved. Because of love, Chen Ming can "see" the needs behind his wife's anger, so he is willing to do his best to provide emotional value. On the other hand, Hui Cai and Dr. Lui, an invisible wife, and a husband who is always invisible, constitute a suffocating intimate relationship. From the beginning to the end, Dr. Lui just regarded Hui Cai as a candidate for a "good wife". He knows that Megumi can take good care of him and take care of the family. From the moment Hyejae became his "wife", she was instrumentalized. So, her emotions are not perceived, her feelings are not respected, her needs are not heard, and her dreams are not valued. She has the value of a tool, but no one has the right. But Huicai is not a tool after all. Lu couldn't see her, but she could see herself. She picked up the pen and began to use writing to build her own spiritual refuge in addition to chopping firewood and planting vegetables, washing and cooking, and raising children. 
A good marriage makes people happy, and a bad marriage forces people to grow. As a woman, no matter what the situation, you must have the courage to save yourself. Marriage is a big gamble, no matter what, live for yourself.
The best way for a woman to live is to fulfill herself
On the back cover of "My Fragrance", there is such a sentence, "To every unseen you, me and her". The Huicai in the book may be our mother, grandmother, grandmother, or even ourselves in life. Trapped by the social environment, living conditions and children, many women of the previous generation chose to forbear in unsatisfactory marriages. Compared with them, the new generation of women has gained more opportunities for education and employment, and their ability to settle down has been greatly enhanced, and they have more choices and possibilities. No matter what the era, there are always some women, with tenacity and optimism, self-redemption, who grow upward, bloom flowers in the ashes, and bloom fragrance in the corners. In the fall of 2020, a woman named Su Min became popular all over the Internet. She has worked hard for the family for decades, but her husband not only ignores her efforts and makes aa system with her financially, but also humiliates and accuses her at every turn, and even domestic violence. Su Min lived a depressed and painful life, and even self-harmed due to depression, plunging the tip of a knife into her chest. At the age of 56, after saving up enough disappointments, she finally decided to live for herself. She drove a Polo that she had saved up for years and started a road trip around the country. She traveled in the mountains and rivers, took short **, shared with netizens what she saw and heard along the way, beautiful scenery and food, and also took over advertisements and published books. In the camera, she is optimistic, confident, and full of vitality. The New York Times called her "a fearless road tripper." She finally relied on her own strength to break free from the role of "free nanny" and the unhappy marriage that washed her face with tears. 
Like Su Min, who decided to live for herself once, there is also a 41-year-old post-70s mother who went ashore for graduate school. Like Hui Cai, she also has a husband who is as cold as Dr. Lui. During her graduate studies, she not only succeeded in her studies, but also re-examined her marriage. When she took the initiative to go to a wider world and heard the concepts of marriage and love from the people around her, she realized that she had never respected her feelings, but was only maintaining a superficial peace. Marriage is never a happy destination, it is just an option in life. After graduating from graduate school, she chose to end this "shell marriage" that had long been devoid of love and happiness. And Yang Benfen, the author of "My Fragrance", chose to use writing to fulfill herself. At the age of eighty, she finally had her own identity as a "writer" and became "Yang Benfen" herself. Whether it is Su Min, who "escaped" at the age of 56, a post-70s mother who was admitted to graduate school at the age of 41, or Huicai and Yang Benfen who seek solace in writing, they are all using their own ways to find redemption and complete themselves. They encourage more women not to believe in the social clock, not to be trapped in stereotypes, and to be brave enough to fulfill themselves and become the authors of their own lives. 
Write at the end
At the end of "I Ben Fragrance", in the twilight of her life, when Huicai asked her husband, who had let her live in grievances all her life, be willing to be with her in the next life, the other party actually said, "I don't want to". This made Huicai incomprehensible. Obviously, I gave it my all. She didn't expect him to be good to her for a long time, but she didn't expect her to be good, and he didn't expect it either. This O. Henry-esque ending is like a silent wake-up call, and it reminds every woman:Always put yourself on top, affirm yourself, believe in yourself, and love yourself. Never give up on growth, seize every opportunity to learn and be educated, and build a strong spiritual core for yourself. Never waste your time seeking the ideal object, but strive to turn yourself into the ideal person. I'm fragrant, blooming freely.