Late at night, a mother posted her physical examination report in the circle of friends:Lung nodules, how to survive in the future?
I thought everyone was asleep, but I didn't know that several old mothers' replies were blown up:
I have breast nodules, and my husband is angry with me, and if I continue to survive, I will have breast cancer. ”
I can't stay up, I really can't stay up, it's really a catastrophe with a baby, and my blood pressure has soared countless times. ”
Hey, we are all worried about our lives, I originally wanted to stay up until the children got married and the grandchildren grew up, but when the thyroid nodules were checked, the doctor told me that I couldn't work anymore. ”
It turns out that everyone's life is like this - suffering.
Countless nights in bed are filled with nightmarish anxieties: worrying about money, work, marriage, parenting, retirement, and the future.
Either way, it's physically and mentally exhausting.
But even in such a torturous environment, there are still people who have lived out the road of self-consistencyIn the repetitive and complicated life, I found a turning point to enjoy myself.
What did they do right?”
Why is our suffering still going on?”
When you can't stay up, is there any other way out?”
With such questions, let's take a look at it first: Why does life become more and more difficult when people reach middle age?
Some people are struggling with themselves and punishing themselves for the imperfections of others.
Did you know?I admire you the most in this family, you have a successful career, and you are also very kind to our juniors. Also, we are such a big family, the relationship is complicated, you can arrange it clearly, and you are so beautifully maintained, in short, you are my goal. ”
This is what her nephew Hongyan said to Chunmei in the TV series "Mature Years".
In the eyes of others, Chunmei, who is in her 40s, is a winner in lifeMy husband is a respected university professor, my son is a gifted student who skips grades, and my mother-in-law treats her as her own, lives in a big house and drives a good car.
Even the new leader praised her as the success standard of a "mature woman".
And all this is what she worked hard to earn.
Over the years, Chunmei has taken careful care of her husband, filial piety and care for her mother-in-law, educated her son well, and worked conscientiously and responsibly.
Whether it's work or family, even if you feel broken, you will face it with exquisite makeup.
Will such a woman who is perfect in life still have troubles?
It's a pity that life never listens to people's arrangements, and Chunmei's mid-life crisis is particularly violent.
What seems to be a perfect marriage is actually in crisis.
One day, her husband suddenly lost contact, and when she reappeared, she insisted on forcing the palace to divorce, accusing her of controlling her love;Faced with her husband's request for divorce, Chunmei cried: Do you think I'll have an easy life?My husband has someone outside, and I have to pretend I don't know, I can't let people see jokes, we're a group and a family.
Although her heart has been torn apart and her marriage is irretrievable, she is more afraid that the divorce will affect her children's choice of mate and marriage.
Immediately afterwards, her son hysterically clamored to drop out of school, dissatisfied with the path Chunmei arranged for her, and wanted to stay away from her;In her career, Chunmei also suffered a sudden change and was ostracized.
In fact, she has done a good job, but the people around her still don't appreciate it and don't buy it.
There are many women in life who also face the same predicament as Chunmei.
They "force" themselves to get closer to and maintain society's definition of the "perfect good woman", which is tiring but often counterproductive.
Sandberg once said that there will be a fearful "monster" in the heart of a middle-aged woman, and she will be devoured if she is not careful: will she be disliked;will not be judged;Will it become a bad character.
Then the inner question of "will not" drive her to want to be perfect, and the result driven by fear is often counterproductive.
Therefore, behind the seemingly perfect thing, in fact, the price is self-sacrifice and suffering in marriage.
This belongs to staying in the wrong direction, and it can only become more and more painful.
We must know that the world itself is imperfect, and life is also imperfect, so why bother to kidnap yourself with other people's rules, this is asking for hardship.
If the "spring plums" can stop at some point,Only by allowing yourself to put on a bad role, putting aside the standards of the outside world, and seeking more self-identity, can you survive a perfect new life.
If it is said that "forced" oneself to be perfect, it is asking for hardship, then it is trapped in one's own emotionsNot trying to find a way to live the life you are in the present is a kind of continuous "self-abuse" behavior.
Xiaomin is a mother of two children, but life is very fast.
The relationship between husband and wife is as indifferent as water, raising children is repeatedly frustrated, and the relationship between parents is tense.
She would complain to her husband: "If you don't help me with the housework, you don't care about the children, right?"If it weren't for you, would I be so busy every day that I don't have to live on my own?”
will lose his temper with his child: "I don't learn Xi every day, and I still play games." If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your dad a long time ago. ”
will also cry to his parents: "If you hadn't forced you to marry at the beginning, would I be able to live like this now?"”
When he is not understood by his family, he will also complain to his friends that his child does not work hard in his Xi study, and he reads with him every day, which is exhausting.
But when others told her that she could choose not to accompany her, she felt helpless: "Who wants to accompany her, if you don't stare at it, you may not know how bad it will be." ”
Xiaomin always felt very powerless, as if life could only be aggrieved day after day, until she couldn't bear it anymore and ushered in a new round of emotional outbursts.
Sometimes I think about my life, when will I survive this kind of life, I have done everything, why are the people around me still like this?”
In fact, when we feel very aggrieved and we don't get anything in return, we have to start to be aware:Are you stuck in the "victim" mindset of the relationship?
This is a self-defense mechanism that is unconsciously turned on.
Once we get into this mode, we are constantly torturing ourselves with negative emotionsThere is no energy to do other things, and then there will be no power to the status quo.
Because it means that we have given our power and subconsciously subconsciously agreed with the belief that we have no choicecan only passively survive until the day when the other party wakes up, and make changes to save himself.
But it is impossible for the other party to change, the only thing we can do is to change our mentality, adjust our position, and change the way to survive.
As netizens said: "Everything that happens is good for me." "Maintain this mindset to live, and when problems arise, you will think about coping with them, rather than dwelling in pain.
My husband doesn't care about anythingThen "tune" wisely until it works well.
The child is naughty and disobedientThen discipline positively, encourage and explore potential, and you will always find a place to shine.
Parents love to be nosyJust draw a clear line, anyway, they can't help except add blockage for the time being, so it's better to be emotionally isolated first.
Make your own life, make your own decisions, and jump out of the "victim" modeTake the initiative to break through the level, and treat the difficulties as a game, rather than as a catastrophe, and life will be much more interesting.
Therefore, by stopping the "masochistic" behavior and turning the passive into the active, we will jump out of the emotional trap and play our own life.
Compared with self-suffering and self-torture, self-emotion is more difficult to detect, which is the most difficult point for all suffering women to reconcile with themselves.
When we were chatting happily with a group of old friends before, an older sister hurriedly dropped her chopsticks and began to look intently at her phone.
Everyone thought she was in a hurry, but she said that she set an alarm clock to grab baby supplies.
Seeing her hurriedly placing orders, the mothers were deeply touched.
But when it was time to study what to buy for yourself, the mindset changed.
Buy it, after all, I've been thinking about it for a long time.
But when I looked at it, I moved the things I wanted to buy out of the shopping cart, after all, the money saved was enough for my child to attend several tutoring classes.
In the end, the enduring is over.
My sister also said that before giving birth to a baby, I had to buy several big-name bags a year, and after giving birth to a baby, the bags have not been changed for 2 years.
Before giving birth, I would go for a manicure or skin care every 1-2 months, and that spirit would no longer be there after becoming a mother.
I thought, when I earn more money, it's not too late to treat myself.
Thinking about it, when the baby is a little older, it is not too late to enjoy life.
In addition, now that the economy is declining, it is not easy to make money, and those around her who are richer than herself are saving and saving money, which makes her feel that people need to take precautions when they are middle-aged.
Many women are actually like this, after having childrenThe shopping cart is filled with more responsibility than self-pleasing.
But the fact is that they have a decent income and are not bad for money, but they always subconsciously buy things for their children first.
What makes them only make careful calculations and live a "bitter haha" life?
The identity of mothers makes them fall into the touch of self-giving, and then gradually reduce the "sense of worthiness" to enjoy a better life.
The self-kidnapping of this love makes them feel that the money is wasted on themselves, and it is more worth spending on their children.
At first glance, this kind of dedication to children is still quite great, but in fact, under this trend of "low deserving", our self-needs will gradually be suppressed until we can no longer bear it.
So, while you're busy building your child's world, don't forget:No matter what age or identity you are, you are also worthy of being pleased.
And only when you live yourself well, will your children be happy.
When you are in pain, your child will also be uncomfortable because of your painBecause your giving itself is not pure, there is the discomfort and pain behind the desire to control yourself and suppress your emotions, which will also be contagious to the child.
You see, when people reach middle age, everyone actually has a lot of troubles to deal with, either they meet pig teammates, or their children are not angry, and there are car loans and mortgages that make you dare not stop.
But some people have squeezed themselves dry in the chicken feathers in one place, and some people are gradually getting better, and the more they live, the more they bloom.
Here's the point:Whether to go back to your heart and face your true self.
For middle-aged women, every emotional grievance and every painful pain should be transformed into the strength to see themselves and care for themselves.
American psychologist Kristin has proposed the concept of self-care, which consists of two aspects:
Mindfulness without judgment is aware of your inner needs.
Create a warm, self-sustaining space for yourself.
There is an 84-year-old aunt by her side, who has been married for more than 10 years and has worked hard for her family and children.
Once on Valentine's Day, I wanted to go to a movie with my husband, but my husband said that this is Western culture.
She was very angry at the time, and she quarreled a few words, but she was too depressed in her heart.
In the past, she might complain and feel that her life was not good, but every time such a thought appeared, the anger in her heart intensified.
This time, I simply put on makeup and went shopping, drank milk tea, ate desserts, and went to the beauty salon for a massage.
At that moment, she felt the occasional "selfishness" for the first time, and it was also the first time she felt the joy inside.
She also realized for the first time:It is inevitable that there will be difficult moments in life, but many times, some hardships are purely "self-inflicted".
For middle-aged women, if they suffer too much, a person's heart will wither.
Within the scope of conditions, actively look for dopamine in life, self-pleasing, and life can be more vivid.
In addition, it is necessary to distinguish between the issues of self and others in intimate relationships, and do a good job of separating them.
For example, if the daughter leaves her father, what she can do is to give her enough love, and the missing part is the growth problem that the daughter needs to face.
Partners, parents, and in-laws also have issues that they need to grow up with, so avoid excessive interference and worry.
See yourself better, accompany yourself and cultivate yourselfTry to do some activities that boost your vibrations to boost your energy.
When you are in a low-energy state, be aware of your inner needs and express them with reasonable affection.
For example, if you feel that your husband seems to have neglected you recently, you might as well tell the other party, husband, I found out that you haven't chatted with me for a long time and chased dramas, I hope you can put down your work tonight and accompany me.
No partner can refuse such a kind invitation to communicate and better meet their own needs.
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