The famous German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger once proposed the order of family members:
"In a family, the first is the relationship between husband and wife, followed by the parent-child relationship, and if there are multiple children, the order should be determined according to the age of the children;In life, you will find that families that put the relationship between husband and wife first are generally very happy.The second is the relationship with the extended family, which is closer to parents and farther to relatives. ”
And families with disordered order are often full of contradictions.
Life can only go smoothly if the relationship between family members is smooth.
Looked at an experiment:
The psychologist called in a number of mothers and gave each of them three empty cups, representing themselves, their husbands and their children.
Then give them a full cup of water and divide them into three cups.
The results of the experiment were surprisingly consistent:
Only one-third of the water in her and her husband's cups combined, and the remaining two-thirds were given to the children.
Then the subject was replaced with Dad, and the result was the same.
Psychologists conclude:In most families in China, the parent-child relationship takes precedence over the relationship between husband and wife.
That is, the functioning of family relationships is child-centered.
Qian Zhiliang, a professor at Beijing Normal University, has a female colleague who had a good relationship before giving birth to children.
They went out on a trip together on vacation, went to the movies every once in a while, and the circle of friends was full of photos showing affection.
But after having a child, my colleague put all his energy on the child and gradually snubbed her husband.
Travels are gone, dates are gone, and even having a meal alone together is a luxury.
The two people who were originally in love gradually cracked in their relationship.
The order of love has changed, and the distance between the two hearts will become farther and farther apart.
If the parent-child relationship is the core of the family, and the husband and wife relationship is only a supporting role, such a family will be in trouble.
As a result, the relationship between husband and wife will be weakened, and under the excessive attention of parents, a child with an unsound personality may be raised.
I once saw a real-life case.
There was a boy whose parents put all their energy on him and did everything they could to meet all his requests.
The boy was a little bully in kindergarten, and the teacher came to him many times, but the boy's parents didn't pay attention to it at all, and even said with strong words: It is normal for children to play and make trouble.
In this way, the boy became fearless and had no respect for his parents.
Later, the boy's temper became more and more irritable, and he was also admitted to the juvenile detention center for injuring his classmates.
Liu Changming, principal of Beijing No. 4 Middle School, saidFanIt is the children who come first, and what awaits this family is mostly tragedy.
Once the parent-child relationship transcends the husband and wife relationship, the family begins to move towards deformity, and many giant babies grow up in this family environment.
Without a good relationship between husband and wife as a foundation, talking about children's education will be half the effort.
Only when parents love each other and have a harmonious relationship can children move towards independence.
Emotional writer Eileen Lee wrote:
"The current situation of many marriages now: on the one hand, parents who do not know how to quit, and on the other hand, children who do not know how to refuse. The marriage of two people was originally turned into a gladiatorial arena for six people. ”The relationship between parents goes beyond the relationship between husband and wife and is also one of the sources of family unhappiness.
There is a particularly popular post on the Tianya forum, called "Wife and parents are not in harmony, which eventually leads to divorce and depression".
In the article, the author describes in detail the contradictions between families.
Before getting married, the parents refused to give the woman's family a dowry, and also demanded that the woman must get the gift money back;He knew that his wife had suffered a lot of grievances, but he didn't dare to say a "no" to his parents.He handed over all his wages to his parents, who refused to take out the money after marriage and demanded that he continue to pay his wages
When to have a child and what the decoration of the marriage room will be, it is all up to the parents to decide, and they have not asked for the opinion of their wives at all.
In his heart, the position of parents is more important than that of his wife.
So he was obedient to his parents and blamed his wife for not being reasonable.
In this way, his wife who couldn't bear it finally chose to divorce him.
Zeng Qifeng said:The relationship between husband and wife is the anchor for a stable family.
Don't let your partner chill your heart because of foolishness, and let the family that you have managed so hard to run collapse.
Self-a** people@不辣的妈I have a friend who has already bought a new house and is paying off the loan, and I don't have a lot of money.
But he plans to move out and rent a house, leaving the new house to his parents.
After giving birth, the parents came to see the baby, and the family of five was crammed into a small space.
Since his parents moved in, there have been constant conflicts between his wife and his parents because of various problems such as Xi living habits and children's education.
His wife was a mild-tempered person, but his mother was very strong, demanding that her daughter-in-law come her way at every turn.
At first, his wife would complain to him, but then she became reticent.
Seeing his wife depressed all day, he decided that he couldn't go on like this.
He said that he was afraid that one day his wife would suddenly be unable to bear it and leave quietly or be sick, and the family would collapse.
For the sake of his wife, even if he has to bear great financial pressure, he insists on not living with his parents.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong said: Only when the relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family and has the first right to speak, will the family be as stable as a rock.
The relationship between husband and wife is the root and the foundation, and only when the roots grow well, can the tree flourish.
Love your partner first, then your parents, so that the family will be stronger and happier.
At a university in the United States, a professor asked a girl to play a game with him at the end of class.
The rules of the game are to write the names of the 20 people you are closest to on the board and cross out the one you think is the least important.
The girl crossed out her neighbors and friends, and in the end only her parents, husband and children remained.
At this point, the professor said, "Please cross out another one." ”
The girl was stunned, she slowly picked up the chalk, made a difficult decision, and finally crossed out the names of her parents.
Please cross out another one. The professor's voice rang out again.
The girl picked up the chalk again and slowly crossed out the child's name.
After doing this, she cried and her expression was very painful.
The professor said: Parents will eventually leave, and children will fly alone. The only one who accompanied us to taste the bitter, sweet and sour, witnessed our glory and downfall, and walked hand in hand through the journey of life is only the spouse.
In this world, the closest people are not parents, not children, but partners.
In the variety show "Goodbye Lover", the host asked Gao Yuanyuan, if you ranked your partner, children, and career, how would you rank them?
Gao Yuanyuan said without hesitation that first is a partner, then a child, and finally a career.
In her opinion, her partner is the closest person in the world.
Yes, your parents will go before you, your children will grow up to form their own families, and your partner will be the one who will accompany you to the end.
When you are old, the only person who will be by your side to take care of you and relieve your boredom is your partner.
When you are sick, uncomfortable, or frustrated, it is still your partner who is by your side to comfort you and encourage you.
So, at all times, put your partner first.
Someone used the poem "The Fountain of Rome" to describe the balanced flow of love in the family:
Water gushes upwards and pours into the marble bowl above, and the water slowly overflows into the bowl below.
Water gushes out from the second bowl and flows into the third bowl.
Each bowl is accepted and giving, calm and vibrant.
The husband and wife represent the stone bowl at the top, followed by the children and the parents.
Only when the relationship between husband and wife is harmonious will love flow downwards and let others be enveloped in happiness.
Always keep in mind the truth that being kind to your partner is the best investment in life.