Don't be stupid!Girl, you dig out your heart and lungs, and in the end it is only yourself who touches you
I saw a ** on Weibo, which told such a story:
In order to pursue love, a girl goes to his city alone and tries her best to make braised pork for him, while she sacrifices comfort, goes out early and returns late every day, and is reluctant to buy a new dress for herself throughout the year.
Even on her birthday, she couldn't bear to buy her favorite cosmetics. And what is sad is that her partner spent a lot of money on two clothes without publicity.
She felt aggrieved and put so much effort into the future of the two, but he seemed to turn a blind eye to it, and even thought that it was all voluntary for her.
Cai Kangyong once said: In love, even if you pay for the other party to the point of the walking dead, you can't expect the other party to return a trace of sweetness because of your hard work.
In a relationship, if one partner is too immersed in giving and the other is indifferent, such a relationship is doomed from the start. Too much love will not only put pressure on the other person, but also cause the relationship to dry up gradually.
For girls, don't fall into self-moving love anymore, once you feel wronged, you should turn around decisively.
The dedication of immersion is just touching yourself.
In "Street of Dawn," Keigo Higashino wrote, "From now on, all kinds of hardships will be like long rain, but as long as I am with you, I can endure it." This sentence seems to portray love as a heart-warming adventure, and with each other, you can bravely face the hardships of life.
However, it is easy to overlook a crucial premise: the effort needs to be made on an equal footing, rather than a one-sided approach.
In "Daughters in Love", Li Sha Minzi shows a state of imbalance in the relationship to Lao Fan next door, and she is excessively self-moved to pay for each other. So, girls, don't indulge in self-touched love anymore, once you feel wronged, you must learn to turn around.
She confessed: "The two things I love the most, one is Fan Kaijie (the name of the neighborhood), and the other is **."
Before recording the show, Li Saminzi prepared all the holiday essentials for him, including pajamas, bath towels, face towels, makeup removers, mouthwash cups, beach shoes, beach socks, wetsuits, and waterproof bags.
When she handed the shoes to him, she wiped his sweat herself, for fear that he would have a trace of grievance.
She said to him, "If only there were 48 hours in the day, then I could stay with you for eight days, and I wouldn't even want to sleep." ”
Neighbor Lao Fan replied: "Why bother. ”
During the trip, she personally planned all the outings. In order to relax him, she took the initiative to drive and served carefully along the way. When he felt the heat, she fanned him and served him the whole time.
However, the neighbor Lao Fan has always been impatient with her efforts and complained dissatisfied. He had no interest in the date she was planning, and he was uncooperative.
This date made many viewers really unbearable, and they left messages on the Internet: Li Shaminzi is too involved and too moved by herself.
Li Shaminzi's father was so deep in the live broadcast room that he couldn't help but shed tears when he was so distressed.
Father Li said sadly: "I once told her to find someone who really likes you, not someone who you have a good impression of others." What kind of love are you in now?Even the average friend is not qualified, did your average friend give you the stairs?”
In a relationship, always put the needs of the other person above your own, and constantly dedicate to each other, whether it is time, money or energy, at the expense of yourself. In psychology, this personality trait is known as the "giving personality".
However, people with a giving personality are destined to be on the weak side in their relationships, giving too much to others and showing too little love for themselves.
Blindly and blindly giving only touched oneself, but before losing the other person, he had already lost himself in the whirlpool of feelings.
When two people are together, it should not be a groveling and self-moving sacrifice, but the soul's identification and dependence on the soul.
It is the tacit understanding between equal souls, not looking down at each other's gaze.
Excessive giving, so that the other party sees it as an enemy.
When a person continues to give without receiving positive feedback, the mindset becomes unbalanced. Because giving is often accompanied by high expectations: if I am good to you, you should be just as good to me.
When the other person fails to respond in the way you expect, it often leads to disappointment, grievance, and anger that can evolve into a form of control.
Actor Mao Xiaotong once said: The dedication of self-touching is terrible, what I want is an apple, and you give me a basket of pears.
And you can't make me say that pears don't taste good, because you are so generous, you love me so much, and if I dare to be critical, it will be disrespectful to you.
However, the truth is that this kind of self-moving dedication not only does not impress the other person, but on the contrary, it makes the other person feel breathless and becomes a moral threat.
Friend Tingting, for the sake of her boyfriend, resolutely left her relatives, quit her job, and embarked on a journey to his city.
The boyfriend expressed concern: "You're too impulsive like this. She replied firmly: "I am willing to give everything for you." ”
However, since she uttered the words "for you", it seems to have become a heavy burden for her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend works far away, so she gets up at half past five every morning to prepare breakfast for him, and even spends money to buy him a new car.
Every time she argues, she always feels aggrieved: "I quit my job for you, left home, took care of you day and night, and used my own money to buy you a car, what else can I do for you?"”
At a party, she behaved unkindly to her boyfriend's friend, and afterwards, her boyfriend scolded her for being too excessive, but she responded: "I told you a long time ago, don't associate with him, he will affect your development and bring you bad." ”
The boyfriend said angrily: "We grew up together, do you know him better than me?"”
The argument intensified, and the boyfriend finally said, "I'm too tired, let's separate." ”
She burst into tears: "I'm willing to give so much for you, isn't it enough?."”
The problem is not whether she is giving enough, but that she is giving too much and does not listen to the needs of the other person, which has evolved into control in the name of "love".
As the writer Yishu said in "Xi Bao": "I am most afraid of others sacrificing for me, anyone who uses this kind of word, will regret it afterwards, and there will be a person every day in the future who mentions to me how to sacrifice for me back then, I can't stand it." ”
Just like in "We Can't Be Friends", Gao Ziyuan revolves her whole life around Chu Keheng, everything is for his good.
This kind of self-righteous giving, in the eyes of the other party, is a bondage, a blackmail, and a reason to control me with love.
Just as your candied fruit, my arsenic.
Psychologist Carl Jung pointed out: "When love rules everything, power does not exist." When power rules everything, love disappears. ”
Don't control each other in the name of love, true love requires both parties to work together. The premise is that the two are together for mutual growth, not to create stress and distress.
In order to maintain a long-term and comfortable relationship, it needs to be built on commonality and attraction, not through oppression, ** and blind giving, and moral self-touching.
To love others, we must first love ourselves, so that our strength can be restored.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong mentions: "The devil walks with the Virgin. ”
People with a give-up personality are prone to attract scumbags or turn the other person into a giant baby. In the relationship, they unconsciously take on too much responsibility, portraying each other as the devil and themselves as the Virgin.
Many people have a giving personality, which may be due to the lack of parental attention when they were growing up, the lack of satisfaction of being loved in their family of origin, or the profound influence of their caregiver's giving patterns. Subconsciously, they may think that they can only get what they desire by constantly giving and satisfying the needs of others.
As they grow older, the inner "child" of these people does not grow with it. As adults, they crave to fill and save themselves through intimacy.
However, affection does not always follow the principle that unconditional giving is rewarded, especially in the case of sexual relations, where the rules of this game do not apply.
Someone once said, "If something makes you feel like you're sacrificing, don't sacrifice it." "Living happily and letting your happiness overflow is the best nourishment for your partner.
How can you help those with a give-and-give personality to adjust themselves?
First of all, you need to affirm yourself, because loving yourself is the foundation on which other loves are built. There's a good saying: "When you don't love yourself, no one will love you." ”
When you start to love yourself, the whole universe will support you and love you. The way you treat yourself will largely determine how others treat you.
Therefore, we should pay more attention to our feelings and needs and listen to our inner voice.
Before every give, ask yourself some questions: What am I doing now?What do I get by doing this?What could be lost?
Be clear about your actions and make sure you don't lose yourself unconsciously. At the same time, be wary of whether you are asking for love and satisfaction by giving. If you notice such a trend, stop in time.
It is only when we are freed from the need for love, security, and satisfaction that the giving pattern fades away.
Second, refocusing one's attention from the external environment to the inner world is an important step in self-growth, shaping one's own solid core values and personal boundaries.
Give the power back to yourself and to others, and return to the roles that each needs to develop and assume.
One mother once complained that she seemed to have no other life than to work and take care of her children. She has made many sacrifices for the family, but it feels like the other party can't see it.
However, her husband responded, "I didn't ask you to do that." This sentence made her feel very aggrieved. So, she made up her mind to go to the movies.
She thought that when she left home, everything would be in chaos, but when she returned, she found that her husband took good care of the children, helped with bathing, feeding, and sleeping, and he was able to work for a while.
This story tells us to believe that in this world, no one is irreplaceable, and life will still go on without whom. Love doesn't mean ignoring the other person, nor does it mean treating the other person like a baby who needs to be cared for all the time.
Mature love means I love you, and at the same time, I love myself. I can pay for you, but I won't sacrifice myself for it.
Finally, let us recall a famous quote from Jane Eyre: "Love yourself, and do not give all your love, soul, and strength as a gift generously and waste it where it is not needed and despised." ”
Jane Eyre knew that unequal love would eventually pass. Before loving each other, you must first find your own position, and neither party should be inferior for the sake of love.
That kind of self-touching giving, although it moves itself, can't really impress the other party. And the heart is full, and the moderate effort with the aura of self-love can win the hearts of the other party.
There is a saying for all girls who are in love: "The stars are the stars, the moon is the moon, not all the stars will be as bright as the moon, but you can still have this starry sky." ”
Cherish the feeling of loving yourself, because that is the beginning of a lifelong romance.