Keywords: Mom opposes me getting married, mother-daughter relationship
Q:Hello Leng Da, I am 29 years old and from the central provincial capital;Boyfriend 27, is from the next province. We are undergraduate alumni and have been talking for 8 years and away for 7 years.
I am now in another province for my Ph.D., and my boyfriend went to my hometown after graduating with a master's degree and is a science teacher in high school.
I am a single parent, my dad died of illness when I was 8 years old, and my mom and I have been living together financially ever since.
In 2013, he had heart surgery and was not in good health. I didn't say I was in love, for fear that my mother's personality would break us apart.
It wasn't until August 2022 that my boyfriend's job was settled, and I felt that the time was ripe, so I brought my boyfriend home to see my mother for the first time, and there was nothing wrong at that time.
At the end of August, my mother wanted to buy a small house (we didn't have a house before, I didn't separate from my mother in terms of space, and lived in the same bedroom), and my boyfriend's family lent us 50,000 yuan.
At the beginning of this year, when I came home from school, we told my mom to go to my boyfriend's hometown to meet his parents, and she agreed.
When I arrived at the man's house, she began to complain to my 3 uncles, saying that I "forgot my mother when I had a boyfriend".
Later, my mother and uncle kept calling me **, and I had no choice but to go home.
From then on, my mom insisted that I break up. Attacking my boyfriend is rural, his parents are rural, he is short, dark, and he is not a civil servant with a bad job. ‘
My uncles also came to mingle, but I didn't see me, and just listening to my mother's words, they followed my mother and said that my boyfriend was not good.
In the spring of 2023, my mother will have to pay 50,000 yuan for medical insurance for retirement, and she is still asking my boyfriend to borrow money.
She asked me to break up, and at the same time asked me to borrow money from him, but she was not grateful at all but said that the money was too little, and I despised this kind of life, so since then, my attitude has not been good.
I don't call my mom at all, and even during the summer vacation, I'd rather go to my boyfriend's house than go back to my own house. But my mom found out.
At the end of August, my boyfriend and I went to my mom's for a week and bought a Xiaoice box for her, and the relationship did not improve. How do I stop her from giving me negative emotions?How do I get married?
A:After reading the above story, I felt the deep entanglement between mother and daughter. Many single-parent families and single-child families have deep entanglements between parents and children.
Sometimes, it's not that children can't live without their parents, it's that parents can't do without their children. These entanglements will be like ropes, tying children and parents.
With love, separation from the family of origin is a life lesson for many people.
I will respond in detail from three aspects.
First, the tenacious quality of mother and daughter.
The heroine's father died when the heroine was 8 years old, and since then the heroine and her mother have been dependent on each other and are financially constrained. In such a situation, the heroine studied and read the third doctorate, and the heroine's mother bought a house in the provincial capital. It's amazing.
Both the mother and the heroine have very tenacious qualities, supporting them through the difficulties in life and making life better.
Second, the entanglement of mother and daughter.
It's been 21 years since the heroine's father died. In these 21 years, the position of husband and father in the family is absent. In such a family structure, misalignment is prone to occur.
The heroine's mother is both a father and a mother for the heroine, standing in both the mother's position and the father's position.
And the heroine, in addition to being a daughter, may also fill the position of a mother's husband at the psychological level. Therefore, the relationship between mother and daughter is very entangled.
When the heroine's mother said that the heroine "forgot her mother when she had a boyfriend", in fact, the heroine's mother regarded the heroine's boyfriend as a competitor. She was worried that the heroine's boyfriend had come to snatch the heroine away.
At this time, the heroine's mother is like a child who is afraid of being abandoned, and she is very afraid. The heroine's mother is experiencing extremely intense separation anxiety and is in a huge sense of insecurity.
In the Tao Te Ching, it is said that "the movement of the opposite way". As children, we were worried about our parents leaving us. When we grow up, many parents who are unstable at the core are worried that we will leave them, and they are like children at this time.
The heroine's mother attacked the heroine's boyfriend, saying that he was a lot bad, but in fact, no matter which boy the heroine was with, no matter how good the boy's conditions were, the heroine's mother would attack him, because she was worried that the other party was here to rob her daughter.
Three, with love, separated from the mother.
So, what does the female protagonist do?The answer is - with love, separation from the mother.
All people need to complete the separation from their parents in order to live their true selves. But when we are separated, we are to do so with love.
The heroine wants to be separated from her mother, but she is currently in the stage of confrontation and avoidance.
In fact, we also see a lot of love in this story.
1, the heroine's mother's love for the heroine.
We can imagine that a widowed, financially strapped woman, raising her daughter alone, providing for her education, and paying rent, must have felt again and again that she was about to run out.
But she persevered, and there must be her love for the heroine here. Just like the old saying goes, "A woman is soft, and a mother is strong".
2, the heroine's love for her mother.
When the relationship between the heroine and her mother deteriorated, the heroine and her boyfriend still went to stay with their mother for a week and bought a Xiaoice box for their mother. The heroine wants to be close to her mother, and she also hopes to ease the relationship with her mother.
The heroine asks how to stop her mother from giving herself negative emotions?The heroine gave up the illusion of changing her mother.
Because the more you try to stop it, the more confrontational it will be. The heroine saw that behind her mother's negative emotions was actually her cry of insecurity.
3, the heroine's love for herself and her boyfriend.
We've seen too many relationships that break up because of their parents' opposition. The heroine has been guarding her relationship. This is the heroine's love for herself and her boyfriend.
At the beginning of the relationship, she didn't tell her mother that she was in love, for fear that her mother's character would break them up.
When her mother objected to the relationship, she was also determined to continue with her boyfriend.
Moreover, the heroine also has some knowledge of the mate selection market. said to her mother, "There is no emotional foundation, I have no advantage in the blind date market". The heroine is a pretty sober girl.
The heroine's persistence and sober attitude towards her feelings are amazing.
4.The boyfriend's love for the heroine.
The heroine's boyfriend's family is rural, not a rich family.
In this case, I still lent money to the heroine's mother twice, borrowing a total of 100,000, which is actually very sincere. We can see the boyfriend's love for the heroine.
And under the current conflict, although the heroine and mother have each other in their hearts, the mother and daughter can't see each other's hearts.
It's hard for us to change our parents, all we can change is ourselves. The heroine is a doctoral student and has a strong learning ability. We also believe that the heroine has the ability to change.
The heroine mainly opens her emotional center to connect with her mother, and uses emotions to connect emotions.
How do you do that?I'll illustrate this in conjunction with the chat logs.
In the chat logs, we can see that the heroine is in a very confrontational state with her mother, and the heroine's response to her mother is either reasoning rationally and trying to persuade her mother, or she is giving up on herself and even threatening her mother, such as the heroine said, "Then you can't hold your grandson, forget it, live alone".
I can understand the heroine's helplessness and anger, but in such a state, both of them froze.
I often say that "there are thousands of paths, but emotions come first". Only when we are emotionally on the same frequency with each other can the other person listen to what we have to say.
In the first chat log, the heroine's mother said, "You're going to tell me when you're going to be home, you've really changed, you don't even know you, I'm an obstacle in your eyes?."”。
Mom is in separation anxiety and very insecure. Mom uses an aggressive language to indirectly express her insecurity.
In fact, my mother's inner voice was: "I'm worried that you're going to leave me." I sense that you are avoiding me now. I'm against your feelings because I'm afraid you'll not want me anymore. ”
And the heroine's response to this is "in a few days", and then she began to talk about her boyfriend's help to her mother and her boyfriend's goodness. The heroine responded to her mother rationally on "things", and did not respond to her mother on "love".
So, how to respond to your mother in "love"?
There are two directions, one is to express one's feelings;The other is empathy for the feelings of the mother.
If the heroine's energy state is relatively low, she can only express her feelings. For example, say to your mother, "Mom, I'm sad to hear you say that. I never thought you were an obstacle. ”
If the heroine is in a better state, then in addition to expressing her feelings, she can also empathize with her mother.
For example, say to your mother, "Mom, are you worried that I will abandon you?"I never wanted to abandon you. You're my favorite mom.
After my father passed away, it was you who helped me raise me as both a father and a mother, supported me to go to college, and supported me to study for a Ph.D., which was not easy for you.
I have always been grateful to you and feel sorry for you. Over the years, the two of us have depended on each other and suffered a lot.
Now that I'm in love, my boyfriend is not here to snatch me, but there is one more person in this world who honors you. You're not losing a daughter, you're having a son.
He lent money to our family, and when you needed help, he also helped you move the cabinet while attending class, running over and over, and very few boys can do this now. He and I will love you and honor you. ”
This will be the "moment of meeting" for mother and daughter.
After the "moment of meeting", after the mother felt more secure, the heroine did the "moment of separation".
The key to the "moment of separation" is homing. The so-called homing means that everyone returns to their place. For example, the mother returns to the mother's position, and the child returns to the child's position.
Many parents have a lot of entanglements with their children because of misalignment. For example, the child stands in the position of the mother's caregiver and protector, and the child stands in the position of the coordinator of the father and mother.
The heroine of the above story, in the case of her father's death, filled in and stood in her father's position. Therefore, the heroine's mother will treat the heroine's boyfriend as a competitor.
Judging from the heroine's expression, the heroine is doing homecoming. She has returned to her daughter's place to protect her feelings;Instead of blindly sacrificing his feelings out of care for his mother.
The heroine also has to constantly awaken her mother's sense of return. Tell Mom:
Mom, I love you so much. But I'm just your child, not your husband. So, my boyfriend, not your competitor. He, like me, has come together to honor you. I hope you can bless us with happiness. ”
Therefore, with love, the heroine first has a "meeting moment" with her mother, and then carries out a "separation moment". This will be the 2nd of the relationship between the heroine and the motherVersion 0.
The main creative team |Cold love, party reward, Sissi.
The illustrations in this article, any **, newspapers, television stations, companies, organizations and individuals, without authorization, may not be used in part or in full.