Some time ago, when I went back to my hometown, my best friend, whom I hadn't seen for many years, said to take me to eat the best iron pot stew in town.
Two girls, obviously a small pot is enough, and girlfriends have to make a big pot.
The waiter pours the fragrant seasoning into cold water, boils the water and then puts the fish in the pot.
A whole fatty fish slips smoothly into the huge iron pot, and the sweetness of chopped green onions and green peppers rises and turns in the sauce, and the room is instantly filled with aroma.
I stared at the big fish that was gradually turning dark, and began to swallow non-stop, eagerly waiting for the moment when the pot would be boiled.
Seeing this, my girlfriend asked me distressedly: "Is Shanghai expensive?"Isn't it usually impossible to eat anything?”
I was shocked, I didn't know what I had done, and I left such a sin for my girlfriendPoorimpressions.
In fact, the reason is very simple, I have been presenting mine in the circle of friendsMiserable
Usually, although everyone has WeChat, there are old and young, and no one has time to talk to each other, that is, to learn about each other's recent situation through the circle of friends.
People are all tall and beautiful food, but I am the only one who stands out:
Either he took his children to eat hot and sour noodles for 18 yuan on the side of the road, or he exclaimed that there was cheap fried food in a "big restaurant", and occasionally eating a discounted pizza was a "happy moment......".In short, it looks like a hard life of tightening your belt.
It's no wonder that the first thing my girlfriend did when she saw me was to take me to "eat something good".
In her eyes, I have suffered a lot outside, but I have never eaten "good things".
Especially seeing my small body again, it has strengthened my character of wandering and hardship over the years, and my girlfriend is so distressed that she can't wait to give me all the "good things" that can be found in her hometown, and it is best to pack me and bring two cars.
It's a blessing and a blessing to be loved so from the bottom of my heart, but I really don't want to cheat on my honest girlfriend.
Although I have been diligent and thrifty in these years, I am also similar to most middle-aged women
Pragmatic, not chasing big names, more practical, focusing on a province that should be flowery, from time to time to a "shopping and eating" trip.
That being said, I've also found that it seems like I prefer to share something cheap and less "high" looking in my circle of friends.
Especially after experiencing a relatively comfortable time, you must send some shabby content to "offset" the happiness in front.
For example, if things are going well for a certain period of time, and there is more envy and praise than usual, I will start to feel inexplicably uneasy.
At this time, the circle of friends who posted it was either working overtime late at night, or saying goodbye to the old down jacket that had been worn for 15 years, and it seemed that it was not far from sleeping in the open and in rags.
For example, it is very pleasant to leave work and go on vacation.
I will definitely emphasize in the narration of my travel photos that the cruise ticket only costs 2 yuan, as if I am afraid that people will think that I have enjoyed it too much.
Even though every penny I spent was the result of my own labor, the uneasiness told me as if I was going to be punished in the next minute.
Pleasure is punished.
The first time I spent money was when I was four or five years old, and I took 2 cents from my family to buy a piece of candy.
I panicked at this piece of candy, and I almost choked myself to death.
At that time, the family had a tight life, and an apple had to be cut into many pieces, and the family shared it.
Occasionally, my sister asks my mother for something, and there is a high probability that she will be criticized for being "ignorant", and she may not necessarily buy it.
As soon as I saw that my sister was deflated, I didn't dare to come out, and I didn't dare to ask for anything, so I could only give me what to eat, what to wear, and what to wear.
Because of this, everyone says that I am very "sensible".
When I was in the third grade, my teacher wrote on the blackboard who was the hardest and simplest, and the whole class called my name in unison.
Who's to say it's not?
The only one in the class who was still wearing patched clothes was me;And my famous little red scarfI often wear my sister, mother, and aunt's old clothes;
The pants are either too short or too long, and the shoes are either too small or too big;
The sleeves were connected again and again, and the sleeves must have been connected with three or four circles of flower cuffs ......
In the first grade of elementary school, my mother put together a very small red scarf for me out of rags, which was obviously smaller than everyone else's from the moment I put it on.
But I'm growing up fast, and I won't be able to wear it in two years.
When my sister graduated from elementary school, it stands to reason that I should "inherit" her old red scarf, but as a result, her old red scarf lost ......
I struggled with my thoughts for a few days and nights, mustered up the courage, and whispered to my mother if she could buy me a new red scarf.
My mom frowned slightly and said
"Isn't that still wearable?How can you learn so vain at such a young age? ”
I was immediately silenced and never dared to mention it again.
Until I graduated from elementary school, I wanted to take graduation photos, and I hated to pinch my little red scarf and die together.
As a result, I didn't expect that my tablemate at the time actually brought an extra red scarf to school that day.
"I knew someone was going to forget to bring a red scarf," he said. ”
No one forgot to bring a red scarf, and I finally graduated without having to wear my pitifully small red scarf.
In those years, I put on a posture of treating money like dung, telling myself that it was vanity to talk about food and clothing.
I, of course, am a moral model who is pure and noble, detached from lowly tastes.
Otherwise, I really can't think of any other way to protect my pitiful and fragile self-esteem.
I can't admit that I also want to wear a neat and beautiful red scarf to graduate, because wanting good things means vanity.
Vain will be punished.
Speaking of which, in elementary school, I didn't always wear old clothes, I still wore a decent set of clothes.
During the Spring Festival when I was 7 years old, an aunt dressed fashionably came to my family and brought me my first suit.
My sister was 10 years old that year, and she was already able to learn how adults could say some scenes, and when she saw that the guests were about to give something, she hurriedly went up and pushed a few times.
In the Northeast, every red envelope and gift must go through several rounds of pushing before it can be accepted, otherwise it is not a good courtesy.
Normally, the phrase "not for you, but for children" never goes out of style.
But this time, the fashionable aunt didn't realize that it was a little girl who was only in the third grade of elementary school who pushed her, and said to my sister in passing: "It's not for you, it's for my old niece!."As he spoke, he shook his clothes away and compared them to me.
My sister was still a little adult who was pushing New Year's goods with guests in an adult tone one minute, and the next minute she became a Cinderella who was abused by her stepmother, and wiped her tears aggrievedly.
I was a little overwhelmed, and in a flash, the little suit was already on my body.
One thing to say, the fashionable aunt's eye is really good, and the beige suit immediately sets off my foreign style.
I happily circled in the house, and the fashionable aunt invited me to perform ancient poems and children's rhymes.
The room was full of laughter, and no one noticed the lost sister in the corner.
In the decades that followed, my sister recalled the experience of that day, and people who were almost fifty would still have a sour nose, a little starlight in the corners of their eyes, and a whole grievance.
And I really can't turn back the clock, go back to the local area, and immediately take off that hot little suit.
Looking back now, maybe the fashionable aunt just wanted to save some materials, after all, the difference between making clothes for 10-year-old children and 7-year-old children was almost half of the fabric, and I was just lucky for a while, and I was born more material-saving at that time.
But the luck of this time has become my original sin since then, and I have almost borne the guilt of half my life for this.
Every time I wear something upscale, my first reaction is that I'm not worthy.
When I was in college, there was a dress code for physical education classes, and I went to the wholesale market with the girls in the dormitory to buy sportswear.
I picked out a set of white sportswear for myself, the style is simple and elegant, and the material is an imported fabric that I have never seen in a country child, which is smooth and soft to wear, comfortable and good-looking.
This set of clothes cost 90 yuan, which was my food expenses for a month at the time, but I really liked it too much, so I gritted my teeth and bought it.
But after I bought it back, I hardly wore it, and as long as I got on it, I couldn't sit still.
When I went home during the summer vacation, I took it back and gave it to my sister, saying that I was afraid that my white clothes would not be cleaned and that I would spoil things.
I don't know if my sister wore it later, but after a few years, my sister sorted out her old clothes and gave me this white tracksuit and a few other old clothes that she didn't wear.
My sister didn't want the old clothes, but I finally had peace of mind.
This one is eight years.
The clothes are not old and cannot be worn, and they have become a curse that has firmly imprisoned me for decades.
I can't help it, it seems that there is always a voice in my head judging me, so that I immediately let go of what I love in my heart and dare not have the "good things" that are originally at my fingertips, because having it means being greedy.
If you are greedy, you will be punished.
The iron pot stew that my girlfriend invited me to eat opened up my brain inventory.
After counting the old stories, I suddenly felt ——
There's something I should put down.
I am no longer the child who wanted to buy a red scarf and was afraid of being called "vain" by my parents, and I should not be responsible for the preference that my sister did not get.
I feel sorry for the once cowardly and shy self, the child who is trembling in the ** world.
She struggled to carry the "sensible" that shouldn't have belonged to her, carefully dodging the punishments she thought could fall from the sky at any moment.
Tired. How many people are like me, who are always sincerely afraid, walking on thin ice, and dare not accept "good things" well, for fear of being talked about.
Xu Zhisheng, who became popular on the talk show stage, was afraid that he would be said to be a big name after he became popular, Li Dan laughed and said that he was so scared that he even had to curry favor with the security guard at the door.
I can especially understand this fear, which is engraved in my bones.
Bird Bird said:"As soon as I was happy since I was a child, my mother would tell me not to be scared, I took the 100 test, and my mother said be careful and be happy and sad, and if I took the 99 test, my mother would say, you see, happiness is sad!”
It seems that the more well-behaved the child believes, the more it becomes
Good children are shrunk everywhere when they are outside
Children who are not well-behaved live freely and happily.
God knows how many opportunities I've given up over the years to make my life better.
Don't dare to ask, don't dare to fight, and even, don't dare to think.
If I had been in prison all these years, would it be time for me to be released from prison now?
I forgive myself for my vanity, who in the world is not vain?
I forgive myself for my greed, who can be free from greed?
I'm just a beauty-loving and greedy ordinary person-
I will be greedy, I will be jealous, I will be vain, but my desires are supported by my own diligence and hard work, and every meal I enjoy is my own hard-earned income, what is there to feel guilty and fear?!I still don't like to buy famous brands or go to flashy high-end restaurants, but I do invest in what I choose.
I choose whatever I want just because I feel it's worth it.
What exactly is worth it?
Everyone has their own "worthiness" in their hearts, it can be the peak you climb through thousands of difficulties and dangers, or it can be the east fence where he has read thousands of sails and retreated, LV and woven bags can hold dreams.
I think it's worth it, that's what I'm worthy.
Because of life, there have never been so many audiences, and there are no judges, let alone so-called judges.
Your world, only you have the right to judge.