In the current fast-paced, information-** era, even when educating children, we have been pursuing higher, faster, and stronger, but we often ignore the simplest and purest things:
That's caring.
For example, my friend Xiaolei, a gentle and dignified woman, once left me a message late at night asking for help because of a conflict between her and her daughter.
After meeting, I found out that this mother, who was supposed to be young and fashionable, was full of anxiety and incomprehension in her eyes, just because she was impulsive and peeked at her daughter's diary, but was discovered by her daughter, which instantly caused a storm.
Then in the communication that day, Xiaolei was always full of doubts and self-blame in her words and deeds:
Why am I so good to my child, but she keeps going against me?”
In fact, Xiaolei's story is actually a microcosm of many families.
Parents try to express their love for their children in various ways, but they often ignore the most crucial point - love is not only material satisfaction, but also a spiritual connection and response.
Xiaolei, she undoubtedly loves her daughter, but does her love really touch the depths of her daughter's heart?
It is not difficult to see that Xiaolei, the young mother's educational behavior, actually stems from a deep fear - fear of not being loved, fear of rejection. This fear stems from her own childhood experience. As a child, she longed for the love and attention of her parents, but always felt inadequate.
When she grew up, she projected this longing and fear onto her children, trying to satisfy her unfulfilled childhood self through meticulous care for her daughter.
But love should be a two-way connection and response.
When Xiaolei's love as a mother is more to make up for her own shortcomings, rather than really responding to her daughter's needs, what her daughter feels is not love, but a kind of pressure and constraints.
The child's response is a natural response to this unequal love. Their relationship is like a dead knot, getting tighter and tighter.
So, how do we untie this dead knot?
The answer is actually very simple, but it is not easy to do – that is, parents need to learn to love themselves first. Only when parents are rich and peaceful in their hearts can they give their children true love.
This kind of love is not to satisfy material needs, not to suppress one's fears, but to touch the heart and respond sincerely.
As for the question that puzzled countless parents: "Why am I so good to my children, but they say I don't love them?".”
We know that love is a profound and complex concept, not just an emotion, but a collection of actions and reactions. But why do some children still not feel the love of their parents?
Let's think about the example of Xiaolei in the previous article.
Xiaolei is undoubtedly a loving and willing mother, and her mind can be said to be all on her children. However, when she peeked at her daughter's diary, this behavior was seen by her daughter as an invasion of privacy, which led to a conflict.
It can be seen that Xiaolei has a good heart, but the way is wrong, which leads to an estrangement between her and her daughter. The key here is that love is not a one-sided giving, but a two-way communication and understanding.
We often say that children are the mirror of their parents, and every word and deed of parents will leave an imprint on their children.
In Xiaolei's case, we can see that although she gave her child a lot of care and tolerance, these efforts were actually due to her own fear and sense of need, rather than really taking into account the child's needs and feelings.
In other words, Xiaolei's love is based on her own emotions, not the actual needs of the child.
However, such cases are not uncommon.
Many parents may unconsciously project their emotions and expectations onto their children, ignoring the existence of their children as an independent individual. They may think that children will feel loved as long as they are constantly given material care and emotional pampering.
But in fact, what children need more is to be understood, respected and heard.
In this process, self-awareness becomes crucial.
As Xiaolei's case illustrates, when parents are able to recognize their own inner fears and needs, they are better able to understand and meet their children's real needs. This self-awareness not only helps parents better understand their children, but it also helps them understand themselves, leading to a healthier, more balanced dynamic in the parent-child relationship.
In fact, in our educational practice, this fundamental question is often overlooked, that is: do we really know how to love children?
We have given too much, but the children are dissatisfied and resistant, and the contradictions and confusions in this just reveal a deep-seated problem of modern family education.
Xiaolei's story, as a typical case, reflects the confusion and helplessness of many parents. She thinks she is surrounding her daughter with love, but she doesn't realize that her love is controlled and fearful.
But true love is not one-sided giving, not material satisfaction, not control and intervention, but understanding, respect and trust.
So, how do we love our children and how do we understand their reactions?
First of all, we need to recognize that every child has their own thoughts and emotions. When we try to control them, or expect them to live and feel the way we do, it is actually a denial of our child's self-worth and independence.
We often hear parents say, "I'm so nice to you, how can you do this to me?".”
This is actually a kind of conditional love, a kind of "transactional" love. But what children need is unconditional love, a love that exists even when they make mistakes or don't meet our expectations.
This kind of love is based on understanding and acceptance, and it is a love that persists even in the face of conflict and challenges.
Thirdly, we need to realize that education is not a one-sided indoctrination and demand, but a two-way communication and understanding.
When children express dissatisfaction or resistance, they are telling us in their own way that their needs are not being met and their voices are not being heard. As parents, we need to learn to listen and learn to understand problems from our children's point of view, not just from our own point of view.
Finally, we need to realize that love is a capacity, an ability that requires us to keep learning Xi and practice.
This ability is not only about caring and caring for the child, but more importantly, about understanding and respecting the child's inner world. We need to learn to let go, give children the space to grow and explore, let them experience life on their own, and learn to be independent and autonomous Xi
In short, true love is a combination of understanding, respect and trust.
When we are able to put ourselves in the child's shoes and truly understand their needs and feelings, we can build a healthy and harmonious parent-child relationship.
In this way, we can not only teach our children how to love, but also how to become, a loving and responsible person.