In the process of educating children, parents' anger is not only the voice of challenged authority and disappointed expectations, but also an intuitive response to the child's behavior, and it is also the externalization of the sense of powerlessness and anxiety hidden deep in the heart.
All this can be said to be vividly reflected in the story of Ms. Li and Beibei.
On a normal afternoon, Ms. Li is busy in the kitchen, preparing dinner for her son, while thinking about the exhaustion of the day and all the difficulties at work. At this time, Bei Bei is playing a game in the living room, and the sound is so loud that it can shake the whole room.
Ms. Li told him to lower his voice, but Bei Bei didn't seem to hear it. After some shouting, the quarrel between the mother and son broke out like firecrackers.
Beibei's sentence "Don't bother me!".It ignited all of Ms. Li's resentment and accumulated anger.
At that moment, Ms. Li's brain was filled with disappointment in her son and doubts about her own educational ability, and she responded loudly, while Beibei's resistance was even more fierce.
In fact, there is a shadow of the "ABC model" hidden in this. A is an objective event - Beibei's disobedience, C is an emotional reaction - Ms. Li's anger, and B is Ms. Li's interpretation and belief in the event.
In fact, the mother's anger is not directly caused by Beibei's behavior, but stems from her interpretation of this behavior: she thinks she is a failed mother, thinks that her son's behavior is disrespectful to her, and worries about her son's future path.
This series of negative emotions found an outlet in Beibei's rebellion. The quarrel between mother and child is actually a contradiction of each other's expectations and a challenge to the role of the family.
Bei Bei may just want more freedom and respect, while Ms. Li wants her child to be a responsible, polite person. This generation gap, this misunderstanding of what to expect from each other, is a common sight in many families.
But in homeschooling, anger is not the way to solve the problem, it only makes the problem worse.
Therefore, what Ms. Li needs to do is not only to control her emotions, but more importantly, to understand and accept the child's personality and learn to see things from the child's perspective. At the same time, she also needs to learn to self-reflect and understand the underlying reasons behind her emotional reactions.
She needs to learn to empathize, not simply label the child's behavior, but to deeply understand the motivations and needs behind it.
Through the story of Ms. Li and Beibei, we can see that parents' anger often stems from misunderstanding of their children's behavior and worrying about their own role. Understanding this is the first step out of the anger dilemma.
Because the relationship between parents and children should not be a relationship of authority and obedience, but a partnership of understanding and respect.
Why, then, do we, who seem rational and restrained to the outside world, become so emotional in front of our own children?
Let's start by talking about the little things that trigger our emotions.
Yes, it's the seemingly trivial things – clothes that get dirty as soon as they're washed, a planned trip ruined by a child's sudden emotional breakdown, or valuables that we've told us so many times to accidentally break.
When these things accumulate to a certain extent, they are like small stones, slowly filling the container of our emotions, until one day, the last small stone falls and the container overflows.
At this time, the anger of adults is like a button that has been pressed, and it explodes in an instant.
We say things that we might regret and forget that there is a deeper reason behind this reaction. Yes, we all have the so-called "anger switch", but it's not just these little things in front of us that trigger it, it's more about the fear, anxiety, and powerlessness that we have deep inside.
Think of the thoughts that crossed our minds before we yelled. It may be a worry about the child's future, such as "Will he become an uneducated person if he continues like this?".It could also be self-blame for yourself, such as "Am I a failed parent?".”
These negative self-talks are the real reason why parents are out of control.
Therefore, when we realize this, we should start changing immediately.
And change starts with understanding. We need to understand that those moments that let us lose control are not all because of these little things in front of us, but because of the fear and insecurity in our hearts.
Knowing this, we can start looking for better ways to cope.
For example, when we feel that anger is about to explode, we can take a deep breath and give ourselves a chance to pause. Doing so can help us avoid acting on impulses that we might regret. In addition, we can also try to write down our feelings and explore the deeper causes of those triggering emotions.
In this way, we can understand ourselves better and also find more effective ways to communicate.
Finally, change also requires courage and patience.
After all, parenting will never be easy, and we need to accept our imperfections as parents, while also having the courage to face and solve problems. Remember, every calmness and understanding is part of our growing up with our children.
In fact, in this fast-paced, high-pressure social environment, our children are under a lot of pressure just like us. They will inevitably encounter setbacks and challenges as they grow up, and this is where our role as parents becomes even more important.
First, we need to recognize that communication is more than just verbal exchanges.
The art of communication lies in understanding, respect, and inclusion. In the face of children's irrational behavior, we often ignore the real emotions and needs behind them. The child's resistance, anger, or rejection is likely to be a sign of dissatisfaction with the current environment or situation. At this time, we should try to put ourselves in the child's shoes, rather than simply suppressing the child's voice by yelling loudly.
Furthermore, as a parent, when you feel angry and helpless, you may want to try to take a step back and analyze the root cause of the problem with a calm and rational attitude. Perhaps you will find that your child's behavior is just a way for them to process their emotions, and your angry reaction will only exacerbate the problem.
Therefore, learning to control your emotions and deal with your child's challenges with a calm attitude will be the key to building a healthy parent-child relationship.
In doing so, we also need to recognize that every child's personality, interests, and needs are different. As parents, we need to respect their independence and encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings, rather than imposing their own will.
Doing so will not only promote the child's self-development, but also enhance understanding and trust among family members.
Finally, we need to realize that being a good parent is a continuous process of learning, Xi and growth. No one is born knowing how to be the perfect parent, and we are all learning to Xi and improve through trial and error. In this process, we must have the courage to face our own shortcomings, constantly look for better ways to communicate, and make our family a harbor of love and understanding by understanding and respecting our children, controlling our emotions, and constantly improving ourselves.