My wife and I were college classmates and met at a school lecture.
The two of us happened to sit down next to each other and chatted along with the lecture.
He looks a bit goofy, but he has a lot of insight into professional content, which impresses me.
After that, we kept in touch often, listened to lectures together, went to the cafeteria together, took classes together, went to the library together, and we had a good impression of each other, but we didn't pierce the piece of paper either.
Until Christmas in my junior year, he called me out, pulled me around the campus several times, and suddenly said that he wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend with me.
He cheekily said that he was very considerate and very good at taking care of people.
The days of love at the beginning are always sweet, there have been stages of quarrels and wanting to break up, and I have experienced the test of not being able to stay in a city after graduation to find a job, and finally I have eliminated all obstacles and come together.
Three years after graduating, we achieved positive results and I put on my wedding dress and became his bride.
At the wedding, he said that no matter how difficult the road ahead is, he must keep going;Marrying me is his greatest happiness.
Getting married is not the beginning of happiness, but it only opens the door to a real life.
Before, a sister said to me:
"Men, if two people are judged before and after marriage, they will generally keep the best side before marriage;After marriage, everything is casual. ”That's right. Not long after we got married, I saw another side of himShort-tempered and irritable, if he is not careful, a sentence can make him crazy and smash things, and he will repeat a sentence endlessly, like Tang Seng chanting.
Such violent clashes continue to increase and repeat themselves.
Moreover, they are all very small things, such as the quality of a movie character, whether a pen is good or not, whether a dish is good or not, I don't care, but he is very serious, and keeps saying it until he me off.
When I was pregnant, we had an argument over a trivial matter, and he pushed me to the ground.
That time, my heart was so broken that I was left with the words "my heart is dead, but my mind is dead......The note ran away from home.
He hit ** and said that I was gone, his heart was like being hollowed out, he was not good to me before, and he would change his ...... in the future
After all the struggles, I went back again.
After going back, our relationship entered a short period of recuperation, he made me food, accompanied me to the pregnancy test, accompanied me to class, took pictures of me, and we happily and smoothly welcomed our lovely daughter.
However, after giving birth, due to the hormone level changes, I was a bit depressed, dissatisfied with his attitude towards my mother, dissatisfied with his lack of words and inconsiderateness.
Psychologically unbalanced, I no longer had the same patience as before, and began to have fierce quarrels with him.
When the child was three years old, my mother came to Beijing for surgery and stayed at my house for about two months.
Maybe it's because I put most of my energy on my family, ignore him, and become more impatient with him.
My gut told me he might be having an affair.
But I told myself, what if there is, I wish he had an affair, and then divorced happily and got out of the sea of suffering, but at the same time there was a voice that said that I believe he should not.
Our relationship entered the winter, there was a substantial change, I could feel his heart drifting away, and I didn't bother to salvage the relationship.
One day, I found clues and began to look for evidence to confirm him repeatedlyCheatingFinish.
At that moment, my sky seemed to collapse, and from falling in love to getting married, the shelf life of our relationship was only eight years.
At that time, I felt a lot of hurt and immediately went to him for a showdown.
I just want a divorce, he begged in every possible way, he didn't want to divorce, begged me to give our marriage a chance for the sake of the children.
I looked at my little daughter, looked back at our relationship, agreed to his request, and gave us another chance.
We both worked hard to change and fix, and he was very attentive to me, and during this time, we had a second child.
At that time, my first instinct was not to want this child because I had no confidence in the future.
And he wants the child to stay.
We had a heated argument because of this kid, he said I said I was going to give a chance, but I didn't actually believe him, I said what did you do to make me believe in you?
We had another heated argument and he almost had to do it again, only to stop at the last minute and slam the door.
I cried alone at home, what did I get by living with him for so many years?His bad temper, violence, affair ......Why should I endure it like this?
Utterly disappointed and turned into apathy and isolation, I drafted a divorce settlement and went back to my hometown.
He asked relatives and friends to persuade me, but we had to quarrel with each other.
He couldn't go on anymore, and he agreed to divorce.
The first divorce was brought up by me, and I went to the Civil Affairs Bureau, but the formalities were not completed due to the lack of his household registration documents.
In fact, after returning home, I gave up the idea of divorce, and who knew that he filed for divorce again.
The moment I got the divorce certificate, my heart was bleeding.
A woman who was about to give birth, and when she was most in need of protection, was abandoned along with her unborn son, and I cried and broke down in the street.
Later it turned out that he didn't really want to divorce, and after completing the formalities, he treated me better than before, stewed chicken soup for me, took me home for dinner, and picked up the wedding photos I threw away and said to keep them for my daughter.
The night before he left home, he came to me in the middle of the night to reflect on himself and say a lot ......
I said that if we adjusted, we would get back together, and we would leave this time to be better together.
After the divorce, we are in harmony, no longer quarrelling, whatever I need, he will bring me what I need, and I will also soothe his emotions.
However, less than ten days after my son was born, he told me that he had contact with Xiao San again, and the two of us began to quarrel again.
There is a friend who has been unable to see it for many years, and rushed over from other places to say:
"Why do you two have to toss around like this?One by one. When you get married, you don't have a good time, and you have to get a divorce. is divorced, and it can't be separated from each other, and it is still entangled.My friend gave me a lesson in Dr. La Mer's intimacy and saidIf you and this man want to live, you will have a good life, and if you can't get by, you will leave well, what are you tossing with two children?A good hand of cards to make you play badly!”
"Go and study hard, don't toss. ”During the course, Dr. Hailan said:
"No matter how vigorous love is, it can't withstand the erosion of chicken and dog fragments in marriage. Intimacy can be nourishing, but it can also be very painful. The key lies in how to resolve the contradictions, especially the contradictions in the details of life. ”Yes, the two of us just don't resolve the contradictions, and every time we intensify small contradictions into big contradictions. In class, Teacher Hailan said that there are the following 6 steps to resolve conflicts:
1. Express your feelings and needs to the other person
2. Stop and take care of yourself
3. Seeing your unmet needs and being self-sufficient;
4. See the trauma behind your overreaction and reinterpret it
5. See and understand the deep-seated reasons behind the other party's behavior
6. Determine what is more important to you and create them in turn around your goals.
I looked at my own abilities and found that it was impossible to do these six things, so I immediately signed up for the Practicing Student Xi.
After joining Practice Student, I revisited the relationship again in my Xi.
I first thoroughly sorted out the relationship:
We used to love and kill each other, love is real, and hurt is real.
He has an angelic side and a devilish side.
I saw that it was not easy for him, he grew up in violence, and all his struggles were against himselfIt is also a continuation of childhood trauma.
His repression, grievances, anger and resentment were released again and again in the form of violence in adulthood, and the guilt that followed made it more difficult for him to get out of this pattern.
I also see:I was really myself, I wanted to do everything well, and I was scarred in my marriage.
Even if he is divorced, as long as I have a little more love, I will give it to him, hoping that he can live well.
Even though he hurt me and attacked me, we used to love each other so much, spent more than ten years together, had two children, no matter what, I would bless him and treat him and his in-laws well.
After the grooming session, I talked to him once.
This time, I didn't contradict him, I didn't question him, I just asked him what he thought.
He said that he must be a family and will never be separated, and asked to remarry me.
The next day, he hugged his son and said to his daughter:
"Let mom and brother go home, we live together as a family. ”I decided to create a post-divorce relationship first without expecting anything. If the relationship is good, we will remarry naturally.
I took the child to the park with him, got a birth certificate for the child, and took 100-day photos together.
I also thought about the difficulties and solutions that I might encounter in my life alone, and began to find a nanny for my children to look at the house.
When I think about my future life, I am not afraid, but very calm, even full of anticipation.
It's not easy to create a relationship, and if you're not careful, you'll step on a minefield, and we've gone through several stages:
- Suspicion Period:
At first, neither of us was fully out of the past, and my heart was sometimes wavering and uncertain, and I wondered if his heart had returned
He is the same, although we are harmonious on the surface, but inside we are painful, he thinks that I came back to let my mother-in-law help take care of the children.
We strive to create in the swing, sometimes isolated and apathetic.
- Acceptance Period:
Once, because I accidentally stepped on a minefield, it triggered his emotions, and the conflict was about to be intensified.
This time, I used self-care to soothe my emotions in time, and afterwards I didn't say a word about it to him, and I treated him kindly, which brought about a turning point in our relationship.
This time, I really saw our love, I accepted it all, treated him better, and did everything I could to take care of him and everything in the family.
He began to slowly transform, accepting my shortcomings more, blaming less, caring and considerate more, and I felt a lot of love.
Our relationship is heating up.
He prefers to talk to me about things at work.
We work together tacitly in life, and the family is happy.
Compared with many couples, our divorced couple seems to get along better.
Twenty months after the founding, on our son's second birthday, we remarried.
All relationships go through four seasons, and my love and marriage are even more so, where we've had passionate passions and hysterical pains.
Our intimate relationship has had its ups and downs, through stages of sweetness, conflict, repair, apathy, alienation, escape, confrontation, creation, acceptance, and death.
Looking back, if we had been more accepting of each other and knew the full picture of relationships and humanity, everything would have been different, but fortunately it wasn't too late.
Let go of all obsessions, just work hard, focus on growth, and you will have a harvest.