Become a love powerhouse , and then what?

Mondo games Updated on 2024-01-30

How to get out of the pain of falling out of love?

Douban has many "lovelorn groups", among which the "Lin Xiao Lovelorn Enlightenment Group", which was founded in August 2011, is the most popular, with more than 190,000 group members so far, most of whom are women.

Lin Xiao, the leader of the group, sorted out a set of theories such as theory, practice, and cases, analyzed human nature, introduced the theory of "balance" in the relationship between men and women, the "game" of love value, and the method of redemption.

For more than ten years, new people have joined the group every day, and the posts have been ups and downs, behind which are the entanglements, pain and confusion of lovelorn people.

They gather in "lovelorn groups", and most of them actually hope to find a way to redeem their love or "revenge". Some group members repeatedly analyze the love theory in the group and apply it to the actual love, trying to become a "love powerhouse".After experiencing a lot, some group members have more confusion in their hearts: Are these "theories" really necessary?Become the so-called "winner", and then what?

strange" lover.

Two years ago, 24-year-old Luo Zhou was "broken up by cliff".

She couldn't understand that on the day of the breakup, the two were still discussing meeting their parents. After the dispute, Luo Zhou tried to redeem it, but unexpectedly, the other party laughed at her in front of other boys. This made the quiet and elegant Luo Zhou embarrassed, and he never looked for the other party again.

Not long after the breakup, the ex got married in a flash. But Luo Zhou experienced a period of solitary healing for half a year. She often dreams of her ex, thinking that she is not good enough for the other party to leave. Later, she couldn't sleep well, and she was in a trance, which even affected her work.

It was during the quarantine period of the epidemic that Luo Zhou began to brush the "lovelorn group" to find spiritual comfort. She found that some team members were actively sued by their exes, or they met a new love who was in tune with the match, repaired the damage caused by the previous relationship, and regained their self-confidence. In contrast, she felt that she had "lost" completely, perhaps she had never been treated sincerely, and she was still an ordinary self, spending day after day alone and ridiculously.

Until one day, she saw someone in the group say, "Did I come to this world just to be a mess?"This sentence stung her and made her wake up instantly: she could no longer waste time in grief.

Slowly, Luo Zhou shifted his attention to himself. She raised a puppy, cultivated her hobbies, often read philosophy books, etc., and forgot the past through daily trivialities and time.

Lin Xiao's Lovelorn Enlightenment Group" homepage.

28-year-old Chen Cheng is not so "lucky", she has not been able to get out of the pain of falling out of love.

Some time ago, Chen Cheng and her boyfriend, who had been in love for a year and a half, talked about bride price and dowry, and the two sides disagreed. The boyfriend suddenly said, "This marriage is not over." Chen Cheng was very angry and hung up **, and her boyfriend didn't call again.

The next day, Chen Cheng was unwell and went to the doctor, only to learn that he had a severe spine disease and might be paralyzed without surgery. Chen Cheng was so scared that he cried on the spot. After leaving the consultation room, she wanted to find someone to talk to, so she sent a message to her boyfriend as soon as possible, but the other party did not reply.

In the evening, Chen Cheng called him ** and talked about his condition. The boyfriend was indifferent and said coldly: "Adults should be responsible for themselves" and wanted to break up with her.

Chen Cheng suddenly felt that his former lover had suddenly become so strange. She remembers that when she first fell in love, her boyfriend was considerate to her, she had a cough, and the other party immediately bought medicine and sent it to her downstairs.

She didn't know how to let go, so she sent the experience to the lovelorn group. Someone helped her analyze, saying that boys are indifferent by nature, and they were still pretending to be because they "didn't touch their own interests";Some comforted her, fortunately she was not married, "God let you avoid lightning before marriage". Chen Cheng replied one by one, saying that he had a "long memory".

Two years ago, Chen Cheng fell out of love for the first time. At that time, she had just started working after graduating from graduate school, and she felt lonely in a strange city alone. Seeing Douban's push of the "Lovelorn Group" and sympathy, she joined the group. For a while, as long as she felt uncomfortable, she would go to the group to read the posts, sometimes even all night, to see how those posters with a strong mentality got out of the pain of falling out of love, which could encourage herself.

This time he fell out of love, and Chen Cheng began to read posts in the group again. She found that some of the "theories" updated by the group seemed to make sense, but she couldn't. For example, there is a "theory" that says don't rely too much on your boyfriend and don't have a "trust mentality". But as soon as she falls in love, she will want to rely on each other. After falling out of love, she didn't know how to get out of her grief.

Now she is afraid and avoids love, and plans to be single for a while.

Love "game".

Click into the Douban Lin Xiao Lovelorn Enlightenment Group, and words such as "compound", "disconnection" and "help" come into view. The group has four sections, "Lin Xiao's Article", "Disconnected", "Reconnected" and "Chat in the City". There are many "theoretical experience posts" in the group that teach how to get back together and how to "slap the face" on the hot list, and there are also a large number of posts asking for help and confiding in them that are updated every day.

In 2011, Douban user "Lin Xiao" created the "Lin Xiao Lovelorn Enlightenment Group". In November this year, the reporter contacted Lin Xiao, who told the reporter that at that time, he had just broken up with his first girlfriend and was reluctant to talk to his friends, so he founded the "Lovelorn Group".

In the beginning, he just wanted to confide in him, to seek enlightenment. According to Lin Xiao, his first girlfriend is better than him, has a good family background, and has an independent personality, and he belongs to "the one who pays more". In the process of their relationship, he felt a serious inequality. This gave him the feeling that love is a game.

Lin Xiao said that he later became interested in the knowledge of gender feelings, read a lot of related books, and also read some content about "pick-up", such as "Devil's Pick-up" and the "Bad Boy Academy" courses. Lin Xiao recalled that in those years, these theories were helpful to "otaku and people with no experience in love", but after that, the reputation gradually became bad, and male emotional counseling gradually became "teaching bubble girls".

Later, he thought about it by himself, sorted out his feelings, created some original theories, and posted them in the Douban group. Lin Xiao said that because the main users of the Douban group are girls, he began to enter the female emotional counseling market.

Lin Xiao's theory includes the "high and low theory". The "high-low theory" refers to the fact that the low-ranking person in the relationship is afraid of losing and is always trying to please the high-ranking person. Lin Xiao described this theory that the relationship can be reversed if the low-ranking person strives to become a "first-value" person. Soon, the "high and low theory" was sought after by netizens, and Lin Xiao was also known as the "godfather of love".

In 2013, Lin Xiao published the book "Love, Starting from Broken Love". Lin Xiao said that he originally majored in mechanical engineering, and then carried out emotional counseling, love course training and other businesses, including one-on-one counseling, and also in the form of teaching classes to many people, ranging from hundreds to thousands, and a total of about 3,000 people have been consulted.

The "Love Course" directory sent by Lin Xiao to reporters.

We talk about the harmfulness of the entrustment mentality, that is, girls with a serious entrustment mentality have a lot of 'deserved' for their boyfriends. Lin Xiao told reporters, "(I think my boyfriend) naturally has these responsibilities and obligations, and then the boy is tired and annoyed and wants to break up." In reality, many girls live in "idols and fantasies created by **", and they are often too idealistic in love.

Lin Xiao usually teaches them to ask each other in a "way that boys like", and to use a "gentle" way to win benefits and maintain relationships.

If you don't express it in the way that the other party likes, you can't maintain your relationship, so is he still a trustworthy partner?Chen Cheng was puzzled, she recalled her last relationship, if she spoke softly and made a compromise when discussing the bride price, maybe this relationship could still be talked about, but is this the love she wants?

Lin Xiao believes that feelings include two parts: game and blind date, and the two need to be balanced.

Chen Cheng disagrees with this, believing that "such a blind date and love are still disguises and games in essence". She gradually became suspicious of these theories of love, believing that they were actually methods of pulling between men and women in a patriarchal society.

In 2016, another Douban user "Snow Queen" also began to post in the group, she absorbed some of Lin Xiao's views, coupled with innovation, and constructed a set of theories about "disconnection".

As of press time, "Snow Queen" did not respond to reporters' requests for an interview. According to the content of the Douban group, the "Snow Queen" is also providing emotional counseling-related services.

The members of the group posted a paid consultation record for the Snow Queen in the group.

Today, her post about "disconnection" posted 7 years ago has nearly 100,000 comments and nearly 20,000 collections, and there are still comments and replies from group members.

She also pointed out in this post that the ultimate goal of her theory is to "make people like you again", but it is not a "low-level" approach such as "redeeming", but a "high-level compound".

The "theory" of the Snow Queen also involves the "value" mentioned by Lin Xiao, and the key words are "MV", the abbreviation of "mate value", which means partner value (including appearance, figure, education, wealth, emotional intelligence, etc.). Increasing MV is the key to achieving "high-level compounding". The word "PU" also appears frequently and is an abbreviation for "paternity uncertainty", which means parent-child uncertainty. The Snow Queen believes that the wider a woman's social circle, the better her material conditions, and the more unstable her temper, the higher her PU, and the male will judge whether she can marry and have children with this woman by observing her PU. If you increase your PU appropriately, you can improve your MVBut if it's excessive, it can lead to a breakup.

In the post, the group members often cite these theories, and even make them into chapter PDFs, with screenshots to highlight the key points.

As a Douban group, the members of the "Lin Xiao Lovelorn Enlightenment Group" have a high degree of activity. According to the reporter's statistics, on December 18, nearly 200 posts were updated or replied to within 24 hours.

The posts in the group can be broadly divided into experience and confiding. The title of the experience post often contains descriptions such as "has been compounded in a high position", "analyzes the essence of men and women for you", "turned the tables against the wind", etc., some landlords tell the story of their successful "slap in the face" of their ex in the post, and the post has a certain degree of popularity, and you can see that ta's personal homepage has *** or writes "Accept consultation (not free)".

Confiding posts are mostly daily emotional confusion and questions, and occasionally mixed with some eye-catching content, such as "My best friend and my husband are together", "My boyfriend got married and had children behind my back", "Emotional counseling was deceived by 8,000", etc.

In April, Dong Yue posted a post in the group, titled "There is no man who can't come back", and received 867 followers. In the post, she persuaded girls to regard the relationship between the sexes as a gamble, thinking that the money in the money bank is "MV", "Don't play pennilessly, when you return to the gambling house with a bag full of money, this person who has won you will definitely come to you to play again!".”

Dong Yue's words were sharp and her tone was excited, but according to her, she was not always so "tough".

In 2019, her boyfriend who had been in love for two years and Dong Yue proposed to break up, and she felt that "the world collapsed and her life was ruined".

Dong Yue said that after the breakup, she humbly kept her, went downstairs to her predecessor's company to wait for him, blocked him, and even tried to commit suicide and went to the police station. The ex said all kinds of cruel words, and finally threw her 400 yuan, told her to stop pestering him, and blocked her all over the Internet.

Dong Yue began to think about why she did something wrong. She thinks about human nature every day and analyzes men's ......Later, she joined the lovelorn group, using these theories to "review" love, and learning to use "MV" to evaluate herself and others. Since then, she has become a "strong person in love" in her mind. She wrote in the post: "Later boyfriends are all obedient. ”

After that, Dong Yue fell in love three more times, and they didn't last long. Dong Yue said that she didn't care about this, in her opinion, she was a "winner", and every time the other party kept turning back, she sat firmly in a "high position". Now, Dong Yue's main job is also paid emotional counseling.

In the Douban lovelorn group, Dong Yue's sharp remarks have received many responses, and people often tell their experiences under her posts. Dong Yue replied one by one, "Have you entered the game, how is the objective comparison of the MVs of the two people?""If he can't eat it, he will want to play with you, as long as the girl plays the prey." "Value is king, the essence of getting along with people is transaction, and all relationships are transactions. The group member who was replied agreed with: "That's a great point. ”

Lin Xiao training class.

Fall in love with a man with a man's attitude".

In 2015, after Zhang Ai broke up with her first boyfriend, she felt sad and depressed, and wanted to live in a different environment. She already had plans to study abroad, so she went to Japan to study alone.

Zhang Ai and her first love just got together and ushered in a year of long-distance life, gathering less and leaving more. After the end of the long place, they quarrel every day, for the absent-mindedness when they go out on a date, or for the perfunctory chat. Half a year later, the boy said "I don't feel it anymore" and proposed to break up.

At that time, I always felt that it was my fault. Zhang Ai said.

After coming to Japan, Zhang Ai found the feeling of first love in a boy. The boy and his first love don't look alike, but they always bring her a sense of familiarity in the process of getting along. Zhang Ai believes that that kind of liking is very pure.

But not long after falling in love, the other party always got angry at Zhang Ai because of work problems. Looking at his impatient face when his work is not going well, "it seems to be very disgusting". Zhang Ai didn't want to face such a lover, so he chose to break up. After that, she traveled to Okinawa and Osaka with her friends, trying to regulate her emotions, but found that the journey was always accompanied by sadness.

After returning, she began to listen to the explanations of the constellations and tarots, imagining that the other party would come back to her. She also began to post on the "Lovelorn Group" to watch the group members analyze the theories of Lin Xiao and the Snow Queen.

Latest post from the Broken Love Group.

Zhang Ai said that when she first fell out of love, she "really needed others to wake me up", so she quickly accepted these theories. Some of the fierce words of the group members, such as "ex-boyfriends are not good things" and "you can control your feelings only by being tough", etc., made her restrain the idea of finding each other.

During this time, her friends also gave her company, and on weekends they would go out to eat, drink and have fun together, walk the streets of foreign countries, and visit interesting little shops. Two months later, Zhang Ai deleted all the *** of her second boyfriend, and the other party looked for her twice later, but she ignored it.

After finishing her studies, Zhang Ai began interviews. In Japan's sweltering August temperatures, she ran around in a full suit. She also works two jobs at the same time, from 6 to 9 a.m. at the convenience store because she can eat the food in the store;From 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. at the pharmacy, you can rub on cosmetics to prepare for the interview.

In the end, Zhang Ai successfully joined a veteran ** company and stayed in Japan. Today, she has achieved the position of director in a company with a dull atmosphere, slow promotion, and a large number of male leaders.

Zhang Ai feels that the theory of the Snow Queen has made her confident and strong in life to a certain extent.

In her opinion, when men and women are not equal, the love game will still put the woman at a disadvantage. She later fell in love three more times, and found that she could get more happiness in love by directly using a man's attitude towards a woman to fall in love with a man.

Women always like to find reasons from themselves, and they don't want to say what they need, they always like to wronged themselves, but men don't. She said.

Zhang Ai is more and more self-conscious and casual, and every time she breaks up later, she can come out faster than the last time. Recently, the other party had a cold war with her, and she took the initiative to break up, and she came out in more than ten days.

But as she grew older, she began to yearn for marriage and children. Whenever night falls, Zhang Ai looks at the bustling night view of Tokyo alone, and her heart will breed loneliness and confusion.

Zhang Ai said that there were too many short-term relationships, which made her not know how to enter a long-term relationship. She feels that every time she falls in love, she talks about it with the mentality of getting married, but she always seems to meet someone who is "not very suitable", and she is used to "cutting through the mess quickly".

Zhang Ai began to reflect, maybe after falling out of love, it is not "the sooner you come out, the better", nor is it necessary to "control your feelings and take revenge and slap your face". The growth after falling out of love is not to become more and more numb to the end of love, but to be able to think seriously: what kind of love you want and how to do it.

She recalled the past, the bits and pieces of the growth process, and thought that the school was lacking in emotional education, and always avoided the students' love problems. Ms. Zhang said she had always believed that differences between men and women were innateWomen are more sensual and effeminate than men;Girls need cute, likable ......It was only later that she realized that there was not much difference between men and women.

Zhang Ai hadn't been in the lovelorn group for a long time, and after leaving the group, she thought back that the Snow Queen's theory might help girls sober up faster in the face of "scumbags". But she now feels that how to build a deeper level of intimacy is something that everyone needs to explore in their lives.

It's the first time I feel so close to someone".

Three years ago, Li Meng, who had just graduated from graduate school, broke up with her boyfriend.

During that time, at night, she couldn't help thinking about her ex, remembering the days when they traveled and dated together, vividly, and then turned out the **and** in the phone, she couldn't help but shed tears.

They met in the school café, because the location was not enough at that time, the two squeezed into a table to study, and they had a good impression of each other, and they naturally got together after exchanging ***.

Li Meng said that she has always been very sensitive, cranky, and needs her boyfriend's careful care. Once, her boyfriend replied to her after three hours, telling her that she had just rested. Li Meng felt that the other party didn't care about her, so she immediately deleted her friend.

The boyfriend couldn't stand it and texted the next day to break up. Li Meng thought that the other party was angry, and he would still be the same as before in the future. She waited for several days, but there was no movement, and when she found it back, she found that the other party had blocked all her *** and she realized that she had completely lost her boyfriend and "howled and cried".

In the lovelorn group, Li Meng posted twice about his confusion and received few responses. After falling out of love, she soaked in the group for a long time to read posts. Li Meng said that after taking the group, he gradually understood his emotional problems.

I exploded," she explained using the theory in the group, "but I had a hard time controlling my emotions. ”

Li Meng believes that her emotional problems are due to her parents. She remembers that when she was a child, she was often yelled at by her irritable parents for not making beds, washing underwear, and serving meals in time. Li Meng said that the family members couldn't speak well and communicate patiently, and everyone was "yelling".

During her graduate studies, she met her boyfriend at the time, and it was the first time she felt so close to someone, so she stuffed her emotions into the other person.

Because he has received too little love since he was a child, Li Meng regards love as the most important thing, and all his attention is on his boyfriend, caring about his every move and look. She recalled that at that time, she didn't think about what kind of feelings her strong feelings for her boyfriend gave the other party. Later, she entered the lovelorn group, and watched the group discuss various theories such as reducing the PU value, and felt that it really made sense.

But Li Meng also wondered why he had really paid a lot, why did it end like this?By controlling the PU value to increase the MV and cover up the emotions to play with the other party, will the ending be different?But in that case, is it really yourself?

The 27-year-old, now single, often spends weekends in a rental house playing on her phone. She went home twice last year, her parents played mahjong and watched TV, she lowered her head to play with her mobile phone, did her own thing, and rarely communicated with each other.

Probably the root cause was that I reconciled with my parents. Li Meng reflected that it is normal to have emotions in life and love, and they need to be resolved through communication. When she returned home this year, she decided to talk to her parents.

True love is better not disguised".

After her ex-boyfriend got married in a flash, Luo Zhou tried to bring her attention back to reality.

She pays attention to the beautiful details of life, walks her dog every day, finds time to watch her favorite movies, and watches "Gone with the Wind" several times, hoping that she will not be defeated like Scarlett. Luo Zhou feels that life is getting clearer day by day, his work is getting smoother and smoother, and he has less and less time to feel sorry for his ex.

Later, she met her current boyfriend. The other party is not as romantic as his predecessor, but he is down-to-earth and kind. Luo Zhou said that her current boyfriend always reminds her of Zhou Bingkun in "The World", and she is a good match, with the same heart, like-mindedness, mutual tolerance, and both parents are satisfied with each other.

They talked for more than a year and were ready to get engaged.

Luo Zhou believes that it is not necessary to forcibly change one's behavior pattern according to the theory of Lin Xiao and the Snow Queen, "true love is best not disguised".

For example, Luo Zhou hates fitness and doesn't like to eat light food, so she can't insist on improving her "body MV";I don't like to deliberately cater to others to show my empathy and maintain "emotional intelligence MV";I also don't think it's necessary to increase some "values" to attract men.

Her current boyfriend also agrees with herself. The two often look for good food stalls on the streetswill also laugh and scold together when the other party complains about the unhappiness in life.

Luo Zhou feels that the relationship between the sexes in modern society is becoming more and more fast-paced and game-oriented. At the same time, because of the social environment, family education and other reasons, women are more likely to fall into passivity in the relationship between the sexes, but do not apply these theories too persistently. "You may be the so-called 'winner', but in fact, there is no need, why do you have to fight for 'win or lose' in love?”

Luo Zhou is very glad that he did not "reconnect" with his ex, no longer has illusions about this insincere relationship, and he does not have to be entangled with old people and old things. Not long ago, she saw her ex coming to her next office for a meeting on the news**, she had no sadness, only a sigh for fate and fate: no chance to meet each other. She doesn't understand why her ex broke up with her in the first place, but she doesn't care anymore.

In September this year, Luo Zhou wanted to say something to the members of the "Lovelorn Group", she wanted to thank the group for their company, and also wanted to persuade everyone not to be too obsessed with these "theories". She wrote and deleted, deleted and wrote, and ended up with a very long post. At the end, he wrote: "Don't push too hard, don't be too anxious, in true love, you don't need to 'win' to get happiness." ”

She originally felt that her post was too gentle and would not be hot, but she didn't expect to receive many sincere replies and likes: "Love yourself well" "Some revenge posts are really anxious, thank you and bless the landlord".

Luo Zhou knew that they had been up and down in the "lovelorn group" for too long, and they were a little tired.

In order to protect the privacy of the interviewees, the names of the people in the article have been changed).

The Paper, for more original information, please **"The Paper" app).

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