Cover image |The annual meeting can't be stopped! Stills.
Q
Uncle Feng, please ask a question.
When I was in elementary school, my parents came to the first-tier cities to work hard, and I followed my parents here to study, take exams, and work. Only around the Spring Festival, I followed my parents back to my distant hometown.
There is a huge difference between the hometown and the big city. The food, customs, expressions, etc., are all very different. For example, in my consciousness, it is good for everyone to be friendly and treat each other as equals, and only those who only care about themselves and ignore others are low emotional intelligence, just like what is said on the Internet, others pick up vegetables and you turn the table, others drink water and you brake, others sing k and you cut songs, and others talk and you chatter. But when you return to your hometown, as long as you don't do it and wronged yourself in order to please others, you will be tactfully criticized by some elders as impolite and ignorant.
No, I've just been back for two days, and before the New Year, I want to leave. Of course, I've been reflecting on whether I'm really not good enough in terms of dealing with people. Uncle Feng, how should I adapt to this twist and turn of interpersonal communication in my hometown? I'd like to ask for your comments.
Uncle Feng
When I talk to young people, I often ask similar questions.
I think so, we are a people who pay attention to rituals and pay attention to face. In our culture, face is very important, and human affection is very important. Moreover, the more traditional the society, the more rural the society, the closed society, and the ancient society, the more important the face.
When we interact with people, how life unfolds, and when we do things, especially in Chinese culture, we must know how to save face. If you don't understand, you can easily be considered as having low emotional intelligence.
I once read some books written by missionaries in China in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, and found these books very interesting.
I know some returnees who have lived abroad for a long time, and after they come back, they communicate in a Chinese way, sometimes they are not very accustomed to it, and even there are some communication barriers. It's the same as if you have lived in a first-tier city for a long time and feel unaccustomed to returning to the village.
So what is face?
I grew up in Xi'an, and in Shaanxi dialect, I don't really say the word "face" directly, but say, "You respect people." This respect is actually about face.
Here, the face at the heart of culture is actually respect. In order to show respect for the other party's opinion, they choose to give up their own opinions, or bring some tangible benefits to the other party through a practical action, so that the other party can gain a sense of superiority that is appreciated and respected by others. In this way, the self-esteem and vanity of the other party are satisfied to a large extent.
Sometimes, in order to save face, you lower your figure and raise the other person.
How do you elevate others? The most direct, touting, praising his power, wealth, beauty, and then praising his children, which are all exalting others. And there are those who lower themselves. The other party really can't brag about it, so he indirectly achieves the purpose of touting the other party by lowering himself, so that others feel comfortable.
I also asked my foreign friends how they translated the word face. Their translation of face, if translated back into Chinese, is: Your behavior has made me feel honored, and this is face.
To put it simply, face, in the context of our Chinese, is actually between people, try to give others respect. Of course, when it comes to respecting others, the means are reasonable and legitimate. Bribery is also a face-saving affair, but it involves violations of law and discipline. In communication, in order to make people get more respect, we have to say some clichés, some routines, and finally achieve the goal, which is a very important part of the exchanges between Chinese.
Of course, there are some unspoken rules or requirements in face culture. For example, exposing people does not expose shortcomings, and hitting people does not slap their faces. For example, help others when you should help them, speak with morality when you should speak with morality, and speak with emotion when you should speak with emotion.
The ancients said that the insight of the world is knowledge, and the practice of human feelings is the article. The so-called "human affection" is to be able to move easily between face and find a clever balance between face and lining.
Lu Xun once said a very profound sentence: Face is the spiritual program of the Chinese, just like the braid on the head, if you grab the braid, his body will follow. It can be seen that it is necessary to firmly grasp this face in the spiritual world of the Chinese, so that a person's heart can be opened, so that he can advance and retreat in communication with ease.
In addition, it is necessary to know how to communicate with people. One of the most important things is to take the initiative to speak. In many cases, whether things are successful or not, whether people can get along or not, in the final analysis, lies in communication. The reason why many interpersonal relationships are not lubricated is also that both parties do not take the initiative to communicate, or there are problems with the way of communication and the way of speaking.
Sometimes, people say that this person is lame. The so-called "very lame" means that he does not take the initiative to speak when communicating, and he does not speak until others speak first. In addition, always pouting people back when talking, or not paying attention to listening, this is also a sign of lameness.
So, how to speak? Quite simply, we often say to speak normally. that is, don't be lame, don't pretend.
You know, pretending is mutual, and if you pretend, others will pretend. Everyone is dressing up and acting together, not only are they very tired, but they also have to be gangs.
Third, in the long run, we must have good intentions and sincerity in dealing with people. This is important.
Acquaintances are a long-term affair. For example, you and your relatives and friends in your hometown have to get along for decades since they got to know each other. Your kindness and sincerity have been proven over the decades. If you have been doing well for the first 20 years, then the next 20 years will be especially trusted, and many things will help you. In this way, the so-called relationships will be normal and lubricated, and you will be able to learn from others and develop together.