What would you do to a colleague who always tells you how to do a good job? Or someone always seems to have an answer, but implies that you don't? Or a colleague who speaks to you in a condescending tone every time? Dealing with condescending colleagues can be frustrating, demoralizing, and even infuriating. While it certainly doesn't feel good to interact with people who have monopolistic conversations or always put their ideas on the upper hand, these interactions can also have a negative impact on your reputation and career.
The situation can be particularly troubling when your know-it-all colleague is actually right. Even if there is merit to their effervious (albeit condescending) arguments, acknowledging it may feel like you're giving in to their actions and even allowing them to be rude again in the future.
So, how do you respond to their behavior in a way that both protects you from its negative consequences and makes you feel a sense of integrity? In this article, I will explain the reasons that usually exist behind the condescending manner of my colleagues, share some questions you can ask yourself, and then provide some strategies that you can try.
Let's start by understanding the common motivations behind condescending behavior. Is it a defense mechanism, a lack of awareness, or a communication problem? This understanding can help you respond.
Not surprisingly, their actions may not be related to you, but more likely because of their own insecurities or fears. Many of the know-it-alls I've worked with have tried to hide their own incompetence or insecurities – whether unconscious or unconscious. This is especially evident when someone is new to an organization or a new role – think about first-time managers.
I worked with a mentoring client who was the director of logistics for a manufacturing company who was trying to prove himself to his new colleagues. The leadership team has been in a tight state for a few months since Boris (not his real name) joined the company, so the head of human resources brought me into the company. Boris, she explained, often begins with "at my last job......"Beginning with alienating his colleagues, it makes people think he feels superior to them.
When I sat down with Boris and his colleagues, he repeated the phrase twice in the first 15 minutes of the conversation. When I calmly shouted it out (which his colleagues had a hard time doing because they thought he was rude), he admitted that he didn't know. Later he confessed to me that he had been trying to prove his worth. "I think they hired me for what I did and learned in my previous role," he explained. It's a hard habit to break, and he sometimes makes mistakes, but his colleagues know he doesn't mean to brag, so they're much more forgiving.
Talking about one's accomplishments is an understandable but misleading tactic that is often adopted by people like Boris who lack confidence in themselves and want to establish their worth in a new role or team.
It could also be an issue with the company culture. Many company cultures reward people who act as if they know all the answers. Do employees who are adamant about their ideas get more support for those ideas in your workplace? If people show uncertainty, will they be considered weak? In many organizations, decision-making is a competitive sport rather than a collaborative effort, and acting as if you know everything – and others know little – is a savvy survival technique.
Of course, not every condescending colleague wants to prove anything, but your colleague's ego is likely to compensate for some flaw or fear. Considering their underlying insecurities may give you some clues as to how to deal with them. For example, once the head of human resources learns that Boris is trying to demonstrate his worth in his new role, she puts an emphasis on validating the contributions he has already made so that he doesn't have to tout his past accomplishments. Are your colleagues similarly trying to affirm their own value?
There are also a few questions you should ask yourself before deciding how to deal with egotistical behavior.
Your know-it-all colleagues may have good reason to be confident in their assertions or claims, even if their demeanor leaves much to be desired. Consider the experience or expertise they bring to the table. What is their greatest skill? Does their level of self-confidence align with their level of talent? Do they really know what they claim to know? Could it be that their expression is rude and rude, but their basic point of view has its merits? Keep in mind that some of us are definitively allergic to others. I admit that the stronger someone feels about something, the more I resist their arguments. Consider your own sensitivity to assertiveness. Maybe your parents both emphasized humility? Ask how you react to your colleagues. Is there anything other than their rudeness that makes it difficult for you?
We all have stereotypes about who is suited to positions of power. When someone doesn't fit our preconceptions about leadership, we tend to question whether their confidence is justified. Do you think condescending people come from undervalued groups? Do they belong to a culture or group of people where you have unconscious and negative biases? If you think your coworkers are acting "too much," think about whether people would see their behavior the same way if they were part of the mainstream demographic. You can use a technique called "Flip Test," which was introduced to me by Kristen Pressner, Global Head of Human Resources. In a 2014 TEDEX talk, she admitted that she had a certain bias against female leaders and broke her biases, especially when she found herself judging a woman in power, and she would put a man in the situation to see if she held the same opinion.
Be aware of cultural differences in communication styles. Cultures vary in their preference for direct or indirect communication. Some cultures value directness and clarity, while others may prioritize indirect and nuanced communication. Straightforward comments that may be welcomed in one culture may be perceived as blunt or condescending in another. Understanding these differences is essential to avoid misunderstandings and misinterpretations.
Unfortunately, there is no one right answer or proven way to get your condescending colleagues to change their tone or stop acting superior. What works depends on the situation: who you are, who the other person is, the nature of your relationship, the norms and culture of the workplace, and so on.
That said, if you come up with two or three ideas that you want to test at the beginning, things become much more manageable. Often, small actions can have a big impact. So, design an experiment: determine what different practices you'll take, set a time period to try your approach, and see how it works. Then, set up another experiment and tweak your approach over time. Here are some strategies you can try.
When your colleague says something condescending, it's okay to take a moment to feel your reaction. Try to keep it light-hearted and tell yourself "This sounds familiar!" Or "Interesting!" It's this again. "Remember not to think of this as if it's about you personally, because it might have more to do with them and then about you and how they think of you. It can help remind yourself that it's not worth it to let one's condescension define your self-worth.
Not all condescending rhetoric needs to be echoed. Assess the importance of the situation and decide when it is important or appropriate to address the behavior. Ask yourself if this is a recurring pattern or a one-time occurrence. Distinguish between irritating speech or behavior and behavior that interferes with your work. Not all annoying claims need to be addressed, and policing their tone can be exhausting. Is their attitude so destructive that it needs to be confronted? Does it prevent others from coming up with ideas? Sometimes it's better to ignore their arrogance. So, think about which battles are worth fighting and which ones are best to give up.
At the same time, ignoring condescending behavior and not addressing it may allow it to perpetuate. While it's important to choose your fight, it's also important to address it constructively if the behavior is affecting your work or well-being.
If you choose not to deal with a condescending issue at a particular moment, extract information or feedback related to the task or situation and ignore the condescending tone. And avoid offering the same, even if it's tempting to do so. Retaliating with condescending or disrespectful behavior is not an effective or professional solution. It perpetuates a negative cycle and does not contribute to a positive work environment.
You can also choose a more direct route and schedule time with your colleagues to discuss the impact of their actions on you. You might say something like, "Sometimes I feel like you don't think I know how to do my job well, or you think I can do better." I could be wrong. But when you tell me how to do something that I already know how to do, it makes me feel like you don't trust me. I don't think that's your intention, but because I care about our working relationship, I wanted to tell you about the impact it had on me. "Be prepared to give concrete examples of their condescension. Planning ahead – including what you're going to say and how you might respond to any resistance – increases the chances of getting the message across smartly.
I'm not saying that such an candid meeting wouldn't be awkward – probably – but ideally, you'd have a conversation about how to get back on track. Your colleague may be in denial ("I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I'm talking to you") or defensive ("Why do you think that?"). Or even gaslighting ("Why are you so sensitive?"). But at least you'll make your point and make them notice that you won't tolerate this behavior continuing to happen.
It's helpful to keep a record of condescending events, especially if you end up trying to prove to those in power that your coworkers are causing real harm. For each possible offense, make a note of the time, place, what was said or done, by whom, and who was there at the time. Also pay attention to what your response says and does. Leaders are more willing to intervene if they see a pattern of behavior and know that you (and perhaps someone else) have tried to take steps to address the problem.
Working with condescending colleagues can be irritating at best career-limiting at worst. But you don't need to sit back and suffer. You can take steps to curb your colleagues' ranting, or at least mitigate its impact on you and your career.
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