The Phoenix man's family of 6 spent 30,000 yuan for 1 month, and the daughter-in-law took your family and got out
In Lu Yao's work "The Ordinary World", he wrote: "Kinship is often the most vulgar, trying to get light on each other, rolling your eyes when you can't get light, and even the biggest difficulties in your life are often caused by relatives." ”
Relatives, often like this: look down on you when you are in the most difficult times, and jealous of you when you are having a good life, they want you to be good, but they don't want you to be better than them. That's what relatives are.
When dealing with kinship, we need to set some boundaries and not allow ourselves to be a burden to them. Everyone is fighting for their own lives, they are all carrying the weight of life, and no one has enough energy and money to meet the demands of others.
In the same way, we need to keep the bottom line and be brave enough to say no to relatives who are always taking advantage of them in the name of affection. Once they get an inch, it will lead to endless trouble, which is in line with the "Diderot effect" in psychology, that is, the more you give, the more dissatisfied you become.
Especially in marriage, it is necessary to pay more attention to handling the relationship between relatives and not to let their interference affect the interests of the family. Face and affection cannot be the price of a damaged marriage.
If you feel that your spouse doesn't feel as important about you as your relatives do, and that your spouse's request to set boundaries is considered cold and unforgiving, perhaps you're better suited to remain single.
Do you think I should give this phoenix man another chance? After all, we have a daughter, and I'm already pregnant with my second child. If we were separated, I would be able to cope with it alone, but I was worried that I would not be able to bear the two children. ”
But when Ms. Zhang thought that her husband had always valued his parents and brother's family above her, and did not care about her feelings, she felt that continuing the marriage might not bring happiness.
When Ms. Zhang decided to get married four years ago, she faced opposition from her parents and friends who thought the Phoenix man was not suitable for marriage.
Ms. Zhang's husband, surnamed Dong, graduated from a 985 school and currently works for an Internet company, working 996 a week, and even often wakes up late at night to work overtime. He has devoted a lot of time and health to his career, and he is paid a lot of money, with an annual salary of about 350,000 yuan, which is more than double Ms. Zhang's income.
The reason why he is desperate to make money is because he is afraid of poverty and does not want to make himself and the people around him suffer again. At first, I thought he was saying these things for me, but in fact, he was saying these things for his own family. ”
Mr. Dong was born into a poor family, with an older brother who was three years older than him, and the family depended on his father to work as a coolie on a construction site. From time to time, my father would send money home, and my mother would use the money to see a doctor, support her family, and support her two sons.
I will always remember one year when my father was owed wages by a contractor, and the family was in trouble, my mother borrowed money from everywhere and even knelt down to beg for my brother and me's school fees. I vowed never to let my family suffer because of money again. ”
Mr. Dong's elder brother had average grades and was only admitted to a second-class school, while Mr. Dong was admitted to a 985 school, which became the pride of the whole family and the hope of improving his life.
I was attracted to him because of his aggressiveness, and I felt that such a man was more trustworthy and more suitable for marriage. But I forgot that his ambition was for his family, not for me. ”
Despite her parents' opposition, Ms. Zhang chose to marry Mr. Dong and started their family life. However, the happy times did not last long, because their values were not in line with each other, and there were frequent conflicts.
Ms. Zhang comes from a relatively privileged family background. Her parents, both of whom live in third-tier cities, are teachers, have a well-to-do family, and own a house and a car. As an only child, she grew up under the care of her parents and had few family members, so she always believed that she should have reservations when dealing with her relatives and friends, and although she showed filial piety to her in-laws, she could not tolerate some behaviors.
Ms. Zhang was able to accept her husband's filial piety to her in-laws, and although they were still young, they did not work and began to rely on their sons for support. However, she couldn't stand her in-laws' behavior of not doing their jobs, playing cards all day long, and begging them for money if they lost.
In addition, she could not accept her husband's endless support for her brother's family of four. She believes that her brother has already started a family and should take responsibility for himself, and although they can help, they should not bear the cost of living for their whole family.
At first, Ms. Zhang tried to communicate with her husband, hoping that he would put the family first and not be overly accommodating to his parents and brothers, but in her husband's opinion, Ms. Zhang lacked family values and did not understand filial piety and respect, so almost every time money issues were involved, there would be quarrels, and even with children, the situation did not improve.
When summer came, the in-laws brought their family to escape the heat, and the husband's behavior completely broke the marriage.
It costs 30,000 yuan to escape the summer in January, which is really incredible! However, after Mr. Dong's parents and brother's family visited, it caused Ms. Zhang a lot of trouble. They are unhygienic and often sway around naked, with no regard for the feelings of others. Mr. Dong's father likes to smoke and has no scruples about others, while his mother and sister-in-law like to eat melon seeds but never clean them, making the whole house a mess. This situation has already made Ms. Zhang very troubled.
At the same time, Mr. Dong's expenses have also increased rapidly. He first took his mother and sister-in-law to the mall, got them new mobile phones, bought a lot of summer clothes, and spent a lot of money at once. Then, I took my parents to the hospital for a full body physical examination, and they bought whatever they liked, and they were even more accommodating to their nephews and nieces.
Hearing Mr. Dong's roar, Ms. Zhang was very disappointed, but she didn't care about him, and only took her daughter back to her parents' house to confide in her parents about her experience.
Just as she was about to go to Mr. Dong with her parents and file for divorce, she was surprised to find out that she was pregnant. In this case, Mr. Dong's parents and brother's family left, and he was reluctant to divorce and begged Ms. Zhang to give him another chance. Now, she's in a rut and doesn't know what to do.
As Russell put it: "If a marriage is doomed to break, divorce is an inevitable product of its breakdown, because divorce is an institution of marriage, a security valve for marriage." ”
His mindset and ideas are deeply ingrained and have been cultivated over the course of more than 20 years in his family of origin. Although you have known him for a short time, how can you easily subvert his thoughts and make him deviate from the guidance of his parents and listen to you?
Communication is the key to solving many marital problems. However, when two people have different views, always think that the other party is unreasonable and insist on their own opinions, how can they solve the problem through communication?
If the two people do not agree on the three views, it may not be wise to forcibly keep them, and even if they compromise in a short time, the conflict may burst out again. As time goes on, getting caught up in it will make liberation harder.