I always hear that adolescent children are not easy to manage, and they will raise the bar with their parents if they don't agree with each other, and all the deep mother-son love in the past has come to naught.
Now I've finally seen it.
Just yesterday, when I saw that my son had not yet arrived at dinner, I urged him to do his homework first and then do other things when he was done.
But he didn't agree to anything, saying that he was going to take a shower, and it was very stuffy to wear a school uniform all day long, and the whole person smelled bad and affected the state of his homework.
I really couldn't understand the reason he said, and I thought in my heart that he was just looking for an excuse to avoid doing his homework.
After all, he has always been unconscious enough, and when he should study, he always said that he would play the Rubik's Cube for a while and build Lego for a while, and every time I stopped him, he was reluctant to sit at the desk and bury his head in writing.
I thought that this time, as usual, I could "change" him by saying a few words, but unexpectedly, he actually got into a fight with me.
They all say that I want to take a bath first, why do you always have to arrange for me every time, what you say is right, am I not right? ”
I couldn't stand him "scolding" me so much, I scolded him in a hurry, and wanted to ask my husband to help teach him a lesson, but he immediately slipped away and couldn't wait to leave the scene of the incident.
Recalling the scenes of the mother-son quarrel, I am full of powerlessness:
When did the child become rebellious and difficult to communicate?
The only constant in the world is that children will "change" sooner or later
I have seen a mother ask for help from a psychologist, Mr. Chen Mo:
My son has just entered the first year of junior high school, and he refuses to listen to anything, and he wants him to go east and west, and he often locks himself in the room alone and does not come out.
Explain some things that have to be said, and you can feel that your son is impatient, and he tries his best to escape from the scene and is unwilling to listen.
Seeing her son so disobedient and disobedient, the mother was very anxious, especially worried that her son would make bad friends and learn badly.
For this reason, Mr. Chen Mo pointed out the problem: the child didn't seem to have done anything bad, but just reversed.
Most children at this age are in a rebellious period, they instinctively want to grow up, and when they grow up, they decide their own affairs.
When you hear someone give you orders, you feel like you're suppressing your growth.
These "changes" in children are a necessary stage.
If you think about it, that's true.
My son was very clingy to me when he was a child, and he thought of me as soon as he had something delicious after "mother" all day long.
In kindergarten, although I was also naughty and mischievous, I would listen to a few words, even if sometimes I would secretly carry out "small actions" behind my back, as long as it wasn't too much, I basically didn't care.
When I was in elementary school, I knew a lot of my peers, and I began to have secrets and topics that were inconvenient to communicate with me.
At that time, I didn't think anything of it, and I always looked at him as a child who had not yet grown up.
Now that I am talking about it, I still follow the simple and crude education methods of the past, and I am used to "Yiyantang", and I always feel that I am right, and I don't take into account that he has grown up and has his own ideas.
It's no wonder that there are more and more conflicts between our mother and son, I can't enter his world, and he doesn't want to open his heart to me.
An education expert once said that if parents always insist that what they say is right, then it will only make children feel that they are "wrong", and invisibly deprive children of their desire and right to express themselves.
Children may not understand anything when they are young, and they may not be as comprehensive as adults.
But as he grew up and became more and more knowledgeable, he could not stay where he was forever, as ignorant and obedient as he had been in the past.
When he becomes strong and independent, his parents also have to make changes, adjust in time, let go, and be humble.
The child's "problem" has nothing to do with "rebellion".
Not long ago, Dong Yuhui was in the live broadcast room, which gave countless adolescent parents a good reminder.
At that time, he was chatting with the anchor Mr. Peng Peng, and while talking, he picked up a grilled sausage with chopsticks and asked everyone:
"From your point of view, what shape do you see here? ”
What many viewers see is nothing more than short, fat, irregular strips of ordinary grilled sausages.
But Mr. Peng Peng, who was standing beside him, quickly took over and said that he was connected with the black wheat on his body into an exclamation mark.
After summarizing the conclusions of the audience and Mr. Peng Peng, Mr. Dong Yuhui looked at the roasted sausage and said meaningfully"As far as I can see, it's round. ”
He then went on to add:
"Do you know what I mean by giving this example?
It's that we don't want to raise the bar with others anymore, we both have different positions, we see things differently, we are both right, why should I convince you, why do you have to convince me. ”
A roasted sausage, a short and incisive output, in addition to admiring Mr. Dong's wisdom, also points out the way parents educate their children, that is, with different angles and different positions, parents may wish to empathize more and look at the problem from the perspective of their children.
Adolescent children often have their own opinions, which are not necessarily "extreme", "unreasonable" or "rebellious".
The second child of the Hei Youlong family, an education expert, has been regarded as a "black sheep" by his teacher and neighbors since he was a child, scoring zero in the exam, being naughty, and causing trouble.
But no matter what others say about the second child, the Black Young Dragon couple is always on the same front with the child, and patiently understands the true thoughts of the second child.
Once the second child didn't pay for something in the store, the staff insisted that he was a thief, but under the guidance of his mother, he said that he was just curious, because his classmates took things and were not found, and he wanted to try it.
Perhaps such a reason is difficult to accept.
But from the child's point of view, he didn't think about stealing, if his parents, like others, insisted that he had a moral problem, then I am afraid that he would not have counterattacked and became the dean later.
The so-called "rebellion", in the final analysis, is nothing more than what the child does and what the parents expect, and has their own insistence.
The only thing that can remove his "problem" label is his parents' acceptance, understanding and empathy.
Only a child who is read has the opportunity to live freely and happily according to his own life trajectory.
Children are not easy to manage, parents must not "manage".
With adolescent children at home, parents face great challenges.
But Mary Shidi Kochenka, a doctor of education, says in "Parents, Children and the Power Struggle":
"Children will be more willing to be close to their parents if they take the time to listen to and respond to their children's needs, rather than isolating and rejecting them. ”
It can be seen that children have changed, and parents must also make changes, so they might as well let go of simple and crude education methods and learn to consider problems from the perspective of children.
With this in mind, I decided to adjust my approach to education from these three perspectives:
1. When the bad mood comes, press a pause button.
Bad emotions are the mortal enemy of the parent-child relationship, especially in adolescent education, when parents get angry, children are often more likely to "hold grudges".
It's okay to express your emotions, but you can't attack your child.
If your child is disobedient or has certain behaviors that are likely to anger you, don't stay next to your child.
Press a pause button, don't have a seizure, don't talk, and let your emotions buffer for a while.
A mother around me is used to doing this, and every time she notices a tendency to quarrel with her child, she immediately says to her child, "Stop, mom won't talk to you", and then left the scene urgently.
After many times of self-adjustment, she has less guilt for impulsively hurting her children, and is more able to look at her children's expressions rationally and calmly.
The power of emotions is very strong, and parents can control it in order to preserve the relationship with their children from being destroyed and affected.
2. Learn to show weakness and softness, and "stabilize" the child's heart.
Professor Li Meijin has reminded adolescent parents on many occasions:
After the age of twelve, parents should learn to show weakness. In general, it is to fight bravely when you are young, and you have to fight wits when you are older. ”
Obeying softness and showing weakness is not to let children oppress their parents, but to put down their authority and squat down to listen to what their children have to say.
For example, if your child insists on taking a bath before doing homework, you might as well say, "I think you have a point, and you really have to do what you say";
For example, he has his own opinions, and he can express himself and ask, "Tell me what you mean, maybe it is better than I think".
Accepting and respecting your child is a prerequisite for establishing an intimate relationship with your child.
"Stabilize" him, instead of suppressing and controlling him to "force" him away, so that parents can enter the child's heart and get closer to him.
3. Shut up when you should shut up, it's useless to talk too much.
Writer Mai Jia experienced his son's three-year "self-isolated" adolescence, and his heart palpitated.
Seeing his son's closed door, he tried to communicate, but all failed, and his son's anger from the inside out made him feel powerless.
This is exactly what parents of adolescent children do.
The child is difficult to understand and difficult to handle, and he has no idea which words offend him, and which actions make him hysterical.
The best "self-protection" is to shut up, don't talk about nagging, don't talk about big truths, give children quiet space, and just wait patiently.
Stopping at the point, avoiding the edge, and communicating with restraint and rationality are the greatest needs of adolescent children.
I can't help but think of Jane Nelson's famous quote:
The best way to win a teenage child is to stand aside with them first with a kind, firm, and respectful attitude, so that the child can gain a sense of self-esteem and belonging in being understood and supported. ”
In fact, the conflict between children and parents is a signal to remind parents to make changes.
With good adjustment, the relationship between children and parents will enter a newer and more mature stage, which will also help children grow up in the future.
I sincerely wish that all parents in the world can calm their minds, empathize, see the needs behind their children's behaviors, and give attention and love.
Only in this way can we have a heart-to-heart relationship with our children, harvest their sincerity, and go to the end with a heart-to-heart connection.