During the Spring Festival holiday just past, many couples had a quarrel because of the question of who to go back to for the New Year. According to ** reports, on the day of the Chinese New Year's Eve, a couple in Hangzhou quarreled on the road because of this, and the husband left his wife and two children in the service area in a fit of anger and drove away by himself.
There is also no shortage of relevant discussions on social platforms, and most of the speakers are women. Complaining is similar: if you go back to your parents' home for the New Year, you will be considered a violation of customs or traditions, and if you live in the countryside, you may be talked about and become the talk of the old people in the village.
How should a married woman celebrate the New Year? What is their attitude towards going back to the man's house for the New Year? How to settle the emotions of your husband and in-laws?
Here's what they had to say.
Wenwen
Unmarried and pregnant, parents go to the man's house to celebrate the New Year
During the Chinese New Year this year, my parents lied to their relatives that they were going to travel outside for the New Year, and they even had to post on Moments to pretend that they were traveling. I feel very sorry for my parents, they themselves are people who pay attention to rules and etiquette, in a word, there is a feeling of "what kind of system".
It's weird. Why did the old man and his mother-in-law go to their in-laws' house for the New Year? But there was no way, they repeatedly compromised for my sake.
My family lives in Tianjin, I am an only child, and I am not married yet, but I am three months pregnant. A year ago, I met my current boyfriend through a colleague's introduction, and I was quite dramatic (laughs).
His hometown is in a rural village in Ci County, Handan, but his parents settled in Tianjin. What I didn't expect was that although his family came to Tianjin for development very early, the family concept is quite heavy, and he has to return to his hometown in Hebei every year for the New Year.
We've just got the license now, and we haven't had a wedding yet, but my boyfriend wants me to go back to my hometown with him. He said that his relatives at home wanted to see me. And according to the custom of his hometown, I should indeed go back, and I will spend the New Year in his hometown every year after that.
My boyfriend told me that if any daughter-in-law did not celebrate the New Year at her mother-in-law's house, she would be speculated whether the two had a bad relationship, or divorced, etc., in short, they would be discussed behind the back of the villagers.
After Wenwen posted on Xiaohongshu, many people participated in the discussionScreenshot Actually, I went back to his hometown for the New Year, and I resisted. First, it's not convenient for me to get pregnant, and secondly, I got pregnant before I had a wedding, and for girls, there is always a feeling of injustice in this situation, and I myself am more socially phobic, so I am reluctant to go back with him, because I don't know what kind of identity to meet relatives.
The fact that I was pregnant out of wedlock was also quite unexpected. After two or three months of contact, we were together. I think he's a pretty good person. Girls are always moved by that kind of strange details, for example, when they first dated, he always brought a lot of packs of tissues and wipes, and details like this make me feel that he is very caring and careful.
After a year of dating, we have also reached the stage of talking about marriage. Last year, during the marriage examination, the quality of his sperm was checked, and the results were not very good. At that time, he also proposed that it should be Dink. It may be because of this that we neglect contraception.
When I learned that I was pregnant, I couldn't quite accept it. My parents, considering that they had a bad reputation for me, were also quite opposed to giving birth to this child. But when my boyfriend found out, he hugged me and cried, and I was shocked at the time. His parents are also very concerned and hope that the child will be born smoothly.
I felt quite embarrassed myself, and I didn't know what to do after that. At present, I am still hiding from everyone in the unit, and my colleagues and leaders do not know that I am pregnant, including our relatives and grandparents. In the eyes of my relatives, although I am not a good girl, I am also the kind of child who is very down-to-earth and will not do what they see.
Also, I feel like I'm going to be a talking point for my friends and relatives in the next few years. But men don't, they don't have these concerns, and no one says anything.
In fact, when I went back to my boyfriend's hometown for the New Year, I was forced to agree. After all, it was the first year of obtaining the certificate, and I was not too embarrassed to offend my parents-in-law. My boyfriend came up with the idea of having my parents go back with me, and he said that it was like a farmhouse where everyone got together for a few days.
My parents were unhappy at first, and I could feel that they were a little embarrassed, but they compromised in order to stay with me.
On the twenty-ninth day of the lunar calendar, we drove back to Handan and stayed in their ancestral home. On the thirtieth day of the Chinese New Year's Eve, we went to the ancestral grave together. On the first day of junior high school, I was taken by my boyfriend to pay New Year's greetings to relatives and friends, and according to their customs here, as long as they know each other and have a good relationship, they have to go to the house to pay a respect. Fortunately, it is all a village, so you don't have to walk far.
Eating with relatives in my hometown|Courtesy of the narrator I've experienced this for the first time, and I've never seen this kind of scene on TV. In Tianjin, we all giggled and said "Happy New Year", and then we received a red envelope. Their family's New Year's greetings are very formal, and each family will prepare a mat, and then everyone will kneel on the mat and kowtow as soon as they enter the door.
However, my boyfriend has more or less mentioned to me about his New Year's kowtow, and the red envelopes given by relatives are relatively small, 100 yuan, 200 yuan. This is the denomination I only received when I was a child, and last year, my grandparents and grandparents made red envelopes of 1,000 yuan.
Because of the differences in customs and living concepts, we only stayed in my boyfriend's hometown for five days, and then drove back to Tianjin on the fourth day of junior high school. I still feel most comfortable spending the New Year in my own home.
The Spring Festival for the family**|Photo provided by the narrator Before watching papi sauce, there was a very classic remark, she said that she and her husband have been married for ten years, and they have been going back to their respective homes for the New Year. I also think it's the most comfortable way to do it, and that's what a lot of young people want to do nowadays.
When my boyfriend and I were dating, we discussed the Chinese New Year, and he was quite open-minded at that time, and agreed to take turns to go back to each other's homes every year, but after getting the certificate, the statement changed.
Including whether to add my name to the marriage room, he is now in the same mind as his parents, and he does not want to write my name, because it will affect the purchase of a second home. This reason seems ridiculous to me. Our family also paid for it, no less than the man, and I don't know why they were struggling with it.
We used to quarrel very rarely, but now it is obvious that his attitude has changed, and he understood many things very well before, but now this is not the case. Now, he always asks me to focus on the big picture, and I don't know why the big picture of their family is the big picture.
Maybe we will have a lot of contradictions in the next various matters such as buying a house and holding a wedding, and I don't dare to expect that kind of special grand and luxurious wedding, I feel that every time I complete something, I have passed a clear road.
This year is over, and starting next year, I hope to go back to my own home, or take turns to go back to my parents' house every year for the New Year.
According to my family's custom, every year on Chinese New Year's Eve, the three of us observe the New Year together, then go to my grandparents' house for dinner at noon on the first day of the new year, and go to see my grandparents on the second day of the new year. I didn't expect that in the first year after I got my license, I messed up all of this. Now I know that after getting married, things that seemed simple in the past are quite difficult to achieve.
Tingting
Married for two years, and the in-laws celebrate the New Year for two years
The question of who to go back to for the Chinese New Year can be discussed every year, and it is indeed very controversial. Nowadays, many young people settle in third-party cities, and there is a certain distance from their in-laws and mothers-in-law's families, and the problem is more prominent.
Take my husband and I as an example, we are now settled in Hefei, his family is in Lu'an, Anhui Province, and my family is in Wuwei, Gansu Province. Hefei is 200 kilometers away from my husband's house, 2000 kilometers away from my home, naturally it is more convenient to go back to his home, whether it is weekends or holidays, as long as you want to go back.
My family is different, I need to have a relatively long holiday, and only the National Day and Spring Festival are suitable for the year. And because of the epidemic, I have been spending the New Year at my husband's house for the past two years of marriage.
It's not that I don't want to spend the New Year at my in-law's house, but I can't accept the idea that I have to spend the New Year at my in-law's house after marriage. I think that if all families take turns once a year, or have the freedom to live in ** if they want to, then no one should single out and say that they are unwilling to spend the New Year at their in-laws' house.
There is only one fundamental reason for unwillingness or dislike, and that is mental imbalance. Because it's not voluntary, it's forced by rules.
I saw a lot of girls complaining that they had to go back to their in-laws' house every year because it was traditional. There are even some girls who want to go back to their parents' home, but their parents are reluctant to let her go back, saying that she should stay at her mother-in-law's house after getting married, and it is not good for her brother to go back to her parents' house for the New Year.
Tingting's notes shared her own experience|Screenshot Every time I see such remarks, I feel very explosive, please, it's not the era of "wrapping small feet" anymore, there is still such a thought?
As a girl, my point of view is that I can voluntarily give up going back to my house, but you can't be morally kidnapped and take it for granted to go back to your house every year.
The good thing is that although my husband's family is rural, there don't seem to be any difficult customs to accept, and like my family, it is relatively casual. I just need to buy some gifts for his parents in advance, and then follow my relatives from the beginning of the new year, go to each house, eat and drink, and the Spring Festival will pass in the past few days.
It can be said that I am basically a tool person, just follow along, and I have less communication with my relatives, after all, I can't understand their dialect.
The question of whose house to go back to for the Chinese New Year, we discussed it before marriage, and we also mentioned it in passing, so we talked about it once. I said at the time that when I got married, I would take turns to go back to my house for the New Year. He said, yes, no problem. But then he felt that it was not appropriate, and he felt that he still had to spend the Chinese New Year's Eve at his house, and he went to my house again and again. I asked him, my home is so far away, do you say realistic?
At that time, I made it clear to him that men and women are equal and should take turns. I also gave him an example, if you only have one daughter in the future, and she doesn't come home every year to celebrate the New Year with you, how would you feel? In fact, I tried to make him empathize and experience as much as possible, and in the end, he was persuaded by me.
Tingting and her husband traveled in the Tengger DesertCourtesy of the narratorBut in the first year of marriage, when I went to his house for the New Year, and when I brought up this topic again, a "war" broke out between us.
What he meant was that it was unrealistic to go back to the family in a year. Because I also have a younger brother at home, he thought, if he is at his house, my parents still have a younger brother, but if they go to my house, his parents will have to spend the New Year alone, it will be more uncomfortable.
In the end, he proposed that before my brother got married, he could go back to the family every year, and my brother didn't have to go back to my house every other year after he got married. I also accepted the proposal.
As for going back to my house this year, it is a must, and this is the result of our consultations. However, once when their mother and son were on the phone, I could hear that my mother-in-law still hoped that I would be here for the Chinese New Year and go back to my parents' house on the holidays. But after all, the son has already decided, and the two old men can't say anything more.
Why do you want to go back to your parents' home for the Chinese New Year? In my mind, I think we are three families, my family, his family, and our family. I am married to the man, and I am not "sold" to the man's family, I have the freedom to go back to my own home. Besides, my parents are also looking forward to my return, and they are very happy when they go back. It's just that because the road is long and the fare is too expensive, every time we go back, they will feel sorry for us for the fare.
Regarding this matter, I am not sure that my husband and I will have conflicts in the future. After all, my home is far away, and it is not as convenient as his home, which is a fact. In addition, I am also worried that it may not be convenient to travel long distances with children after giving birth to children in the future.
But my attitude will never change: I hope that I can go back whenever I want.
Full Moon
After the fourth year of marriage, I finally returned to my parents' house for the New Year
My name is Full Moon and I am a doctor and my child is now one and a half years old. I currently live in my husband's city, we usually live in the city, his parents live in the countryside, but the distance is not far, half an hour by car.
At the end of 2020, after we got married, we have been celebrating the New Year at his house.
His family's Spring Festival arrangements are relatively simple. On Chinese New Year's Eve, we first went back to our hometown to worship our ancestors, and then by the way, we took his parents to my house for Chinese New Year's Eve dinner, and sent two old people back that day. On the morning of the first day of the new year, we went to his parents' house to pay New Year's greetings. In the first year of my marriage, after paying homage to his parents, I needed to visit his neighbors and relatives again. After that, it will be fine, I don't want to stay in the village to eat, and I will go back to the city after worshipping.
On the second day of junior high school, he went to his uncle's house to pay New Year's greetings, and had lunch at his uncle's place at noon. After eating, they ate melon seeds and chatted, and then visited relatives near the village. After the third year of junior high school, there is usually no arrangement, and even if relatives and friends invite us, we will quit on the grounds of going to work.
Regarding the New Year's gift, I prepared a red envelope for his parents. Give his cousin, cousin or aunt, a bucket of cooking oil and a carton of milk. For New Year's greetings to my uncle, in addition to oil and milk, I also have to prepare an additional bottle of liquor and a cigarette. Usually we also receive oil and milk, but these are left directly to my husband and parents, and we don't bring them back.
In the past few years, I have not returned to my parents' house for the Chinese New Year. I am busy at work, I have few holidays, I usually have to work on Saturdays and Sundays, and I don't have annual leave. During the epidemic, I was worried about the risk of going out with a yellow code, so I only went back to my parents' house for a wedding banquet and when my grandfather died.
I went back to my parents' house this year and took a family photoCourtesy of the narrator
Before marriage, we didn't discuss the question of whose house to go back to for the New Year, and by default we were going to the man's house. I think he, as a son-in-law, will definitely accompany me back to my parents' house for a day or two if I have time. And I thought about it before I got married, and when I had a child, my parents came over to help bring it up, so that I didn't have to worry about not seeing my parents.
Last year, when my maternity leave had just ended, I didn't go to my relatives' house because my child was too young and afraid of the cold. My parents were also at our house at the time, but took a few days to go back and visit my grandparents and grandmother.
This year, my parents are still helping to take care of the baby at my house, so I proposed to my husband that I want to go back to my hometown with them to visit the elderly. In the past few years of marriage, my husband and I have always had a good relationship, but we quarreled about this matter.
At first he promised to go back with us. But my parents' house was on the 5th floor, there was no heating and no elevator, so I decided to take the kids to stay outside in the hotel. As a result, my husband was worried that the baby would not be used to living after he went back, including that he felt that the bed in the hotel had no guardrails, and the baby might roll out of bed, so he said that he would only go back for two days, go today, and go back tomorrow.
The two-day round-trip plan is too strange, the time is too rushed, not to mention whether the baby is suitable or not, I haven't adapted to it myself. But the gentleman felt that it was not that he didn't want me to go back to his parents' house, but that it was just for the sake of the baby and shortened the time.
Of course I don't agree, my mother's house is not very close, how can it take more than 5 hours to drive back, if you take the baby, each service area is delayed, it will be even longer. The so-called going to tomorrow today, in fact, most of the time is spent on the road, and there is no time to even have a good meal with my mother's family.
I proposed to stay one more day, go on the first day, invite my relatives to dinner at noon on the second day, and return on the third day for two nights. Because the baby has to go to bed at 8 o'clock at night, it is not suitable to have a dinner party at night. My husband disagreed, and he asked me, "Do you have so many relatives to meet?" ”
It makes me angry. I don't have many relatives and friends to meet, but my father has to see a lot, even if he goes back for seven days, he can go out to eat every day and see different friends, but it's a pity that helping us with the baby limits his freedom.
In the end, my husband compromised, he felt that there were four adults anyway, and he would not be able to take care of a child after all.
In Chinese New Year's Eve, my parents were responsible for stewed soup, stewed beef brisket, stir-fried vegetables and other dishes, and my husband was responsible for making big dishes, and later bought some marinated vegetables, and a large family gathered at our house for a Chinese New Year's Eve dinner. Early the next morning, after greeting my husband's parents, we took the baby and my parents and drove back to our parents' house together.
Downstairs in the hotel, the full moon husband who walks the baby|Courtesy of the narrator
So far, there seems to be no better plan for who to return to during the Chinese New Year. I wouldn't choose to spend the New Year apart, and it's even less likely after having children. Because neither of us wants to be separated from the child, and I am worried that one person will not be able to take care of the child.
Our parents are actually very talkative, and they didn't say how they had to spend the New Year. Usually I try to make sure that Chinese New Year's Eve and the first day of the new year are with his parents, unless I really can't coordinate them. As for the attitude of relatives and friends around me, I don't care.
Of course, because he settled in his city, it was naturally more convenient to spend the New Year with his parents. For many years to come, my parents will help me take care of the baby and take the children to school, and within a few years, we should not have a big conflict because of this.
As for the rest of the matter, we will have to wait until then.