May we pass through the old haze of the past
01Everyone is a lonely individual
It's been the first day I can't tell you how I couldn't sleep in the early hours of the morning.
Most of the days after returning home are like a silent river flowing in the cold winter.
I stood on the frozen surface of time, sluggishly feeling the festering and struggling of the self as the old and the new year alternated.
Trying to look back on the past year to prove the meaning of existence and life, trying to give a perfect summary of the past year by asking for a sense of New Year's rituals in a childish and romantic way.
But when I saw the excessively brilliant fireworks ** and the sumptuous and satisfying Chinese New Year's Eve dinner in my circle of friends, I suddenly lost the desire to share my life, and suddenly I didn't want to do anything.
I just looked up weakly in the cold wind at the fireworks that reflected each other with the stars, and then edited the New Year's greetings to be sent out at zero.
Thinking that this year is over, the spring and autumn of my twenty-one year.
All the warm and bright dusk and silent tears accompanied me quietly for another year, and I clearly heard the unwilling and nowhere to focus in my soul to ask myself: Will the coming year be good?
02 Life is in the sea and the sea, and the river travels
How many autumn rains and winter snows will we have to go through in the coming year, how many hopeless bravery we have to exhaust, and how much hope we must interpret the meaning of life to a hearty relief and fulfillment, so that we can see the east wind and the waves of all things blown by fate.
I said I wanted to buy a camera and try my best to be a travel blogger with a unique style.
It may have been my wish a long, long time ago, going back to the very beginning when I was sixteen or seventeen.
The night when the Internet had not yet spread to my generation of students who were depressed by grades, and when I didn't know that travel bloggers could claim a career to support themselves, fifty or sixty strangers in the class were asked to take the stage one by one to talk about their dreams in the arts and sciences.
At that time, I was not the cowering me now, at that time, there was light in my eyes, sincerely and fearlessly looking forward to the bright stars in the future, and I could say in front of everyone, "I want to go to Hoh Xil to see Tibetan antelopes." ”
03Dreams are precious
This is the most heroic dream in my vulgar and lackluster life, and I don't want to give up.
But there is simply no room for too much vanity and unreality in real life.
It's like no matter how hard I try, the math section of my report card always has a lack of scores.
The quarter of an hour of time will not bypass the difficulties of the length of the desk in those years, and it will not be like in the TV series, rain or shine, so that the hard-working people will become famous.
Just like this Spring Festival that came as scheduled, no matter how much meaning I subjectively tried to give it, it was destined to decay year after year into an innocuous punctuation mark, separating the failed end of the year from the beginning of the failed new year.
04 New Year, New Weather
I listened to my uncle and mother's mouths of the somewhat undignified human warmth, the hardships of going out, and the helpless sighs of sitting around on Chinese New Year's Eve.
It turns out that the world is never fully presented to you, and no one regards "keeping the year until dawn" as a New Year's ritual that needs to be adhered to, and we are not even happy on that day.
At twelve o'clock in the morning after I finished playing cards, I got into the quilt and the whole person was tired and brushed one by one, like a mechanical clockwork that had finally finished a year, and I didn't even want to wash my face, I didn't want to make up or remove makeup, and countless years passed by, I was no longer a child who looked forward to getting up and wearing new clothes tomorrow with firecrackers roaring.
In the cold northern morning, the sound of firecrackers could not wake me up, but I was woken up by my mother's repeated urging and the bowl of dumplings that were half cold on the table.
05 Walk through the front and reach the other side
The moment I opened my eyes, I saw mountains of piles of clothes and disorganized rooms, the kitchen hose was frozen and there was no hot water when I washed my face, I could only take the washbasin to the water dispenser to get the semi-cool water that had not yet boiled, and the toothpaste was frozen hard when brushing my teeth.
At that time, I was thinking, in fact, ideals, distant places, or anything can't compare to a real basin of hot water in front of me, really.
I understand the sad and helpless adult life, and I also know all the hardships caused by the fragmentation and incompleteness of my original family, and I understand that the environment in which I live is actually unlikely to be burden-free and duty-free, and people like me should walk safely into a future where they can proudly hold their heads high.
According to their wishes, I should try to get a teaching qualification, and then stay close to home, become a stable and decent teacher, and then get married and have children. But I was very unwilling.
06 Go your own way and let others wear shoes
I had never seen the world in the first twenty years, and the wrong answers to the future written in black and red letters on the examination papers had been etched for many, many years, and the splendor on the outside repelled the sincere unstained dust and the pedantry and dullness of the stacked scholarly scrolls.
People who drop out of school prematurely and go out to work hard seem to call friends when they go home, and my untimely waves become lonely and barren snowy in this firecracker-roaring Spring Festival, and finally disappear behind the mountains with clouds and peaks.
Therefore, the unprovoked closure of the sea in the distance has become my obsession, and insisting on being myself is the long-term solution.