In interpersonal relationships, especially intimate relationships, there is a psychological phenomenon called "avoidant attachment" (*oidant attachment), which is manifested in the process of establishing intimate relationships with others, although individuals have deep emotional dependence and affection for each other, but when the feelings gradually heat up, they show alienation, avoidance and even actively push away each other. This seemingly contradictory phenomenon is actually driven by complex and profound psychological mechanisms.
1. The formation of avoidant attachment patterns
Avoidant attachment is mainly derived from an individual's early life experiences, especially the experience of interacting with the primary caregiver during the mother's or infant or childhood. If your child's emotional needs are often not met in a timely manner as they grow up, or if the caregiver is emotionally unstable and the child is unable to form a stable sense of security, the child may develop a psychological strategy of self-preservation, i.e., try to avoid relying on others so as not to experience rejection or disappointment again. This defense mechanism continues in interpersonal interactions in adulthood, forming an avoidant attachment pattern.
II"The more you like it, the more you push it away"psychological mechanisms
Fear of losing oneselfAvoidant attachment people tend to maintain a high degree of self-independence, and they fear that too deep emotional engagement will lead to a loss of self and affect their freedom and independence. Therefore, when they feel a deepening emotional connection, they instinctively choose to distance themselves in order to maintain their inner balance and sense of control.
Worries are abandonedAlthough they have a deep desire to be close to others, their early experiences have led them to believe that others are unreliable and fear that they will face rejection or abandonment if they show their true feelings and dependence. So, when the relationship is about to deepen, they will act in advance to cut off the emotional connection before they can prevent potential pain.
Weak ability to regulate emotionsAvoidant attachment people often lack the ability to recognize and process emotions effectively, and feel uncomfortable and panicked by strong emotional responses. When they find themselves starting to develop intense emotional dependence, they will choose to flee to relieve their inner stress due to their inability to properly handle this intense emotional swing.
Cognitive biases about intimacyThey see intimacy as bondage and sacrifice rather than mutual aid and sharing. They may mistakenly believe that only by maintaining a certain distance can they maintain the long-term harmony of the relationship, and thus choose to withdraw at a critical juncture in the further development of the relationship.
3. Response and change
Understanding the behavioral logic of "the more you like it, the more you push away" in the avoidant attachment mode, we can try to adjust and improve it from the following aspects:
Recognize and accept yourselfThe first step is to face up to and accept your attachment style and recognize that it is shaped by past experiences, not an inevitable consequence of your current relationship. Through psychological counseling and other means, we can help ourselves understand the psychological dynamics behind these behaviors and gradually overcome their fears and insecurities.
Enhance your ability to manage your emotionsLearning and practicing effective stress management and emotion management techniques, such as meditation and yoga, can help improve emotional stability, gradually adapt to and face strong emotional fluctuations.
Establish a secure relationship modelFinding a safe partner in your relationships can often provide a steady stream of responses and support, helping to build a safe, trusting intimate relationship environment. At the same time, take the initiative to seek the help of a psychological counselor, and learn how to express and deal with emotional needs in the relationship through professional guidance.
Continuous learning and growthContinue to participate in personal growth courses or read relevant books, understand how to build healthy interpersonal relationships, and constantly adjust and improve your attachment model through theoretical learning and practical operations.
In conclusion, "the more you like it, the more you push it away" is a psychological defense mechanism for avoidant attachment people, reflecting their complex state of mind about deep intimacy. Understanding and accepting the underlying reasons behind this phenomenon, coupled with appropriate psychological adjustment and skills training, can lay the foundation for them to break out of their attachment patterns and move towards healthier intimate relationships.