Author |Zihan
Let me tell you the story of a student, the boy's name is Xiaolin, and the girl's name is Xiaofang.
Xiaofang and Xiaolin have been married for 12 years, and there is a child in Xiaolin's hometown with their parents. In August last year, Xiaolin was laid off by Tencent, and later went to Shanghai, and Xiaofang stayed in Shenzhen alone. Then in November, Xiaofang resigned naked and came to Shanghai to find Xiaolin, and in December, Xiaolin divorced Xiaofang.
The reason for the divorce was because Xiaolin felt that Xiaofang was too poor and felt that the two had no future in Shanghai. Later, under Xiaofang's repeated questioning, Xiaolin told the truth: it turned out that Xiaolin had fallen in love with someone else, a local girl in Shanghai, who had been in contact before, and they met on a dating app. Every time there is a lot of pressure at work, it is this girl in Shanghai who cares about herself and comforts herself.
Xiaofang was very uncomfortable, thinking about the love affair for twelve years, but now she is drifting away and finally becoming a stranger. I thought that the two of them were polite before, and there was no quarrel just no problem.
Xiaofang told me: "She is actively trying to save her marriage, but Xiaolin is going to divorce." I'm almost forty years old, and I feel that there is no future in my life, and I can't think about it several times, but when I think of my parents and children, I give up. Teacher, what do you say I should do now? ”
First of all, accepting reality means facing up to our emotions and inner feelings. Divorce can make us feel sad, angry, disappointed, and other emotions that are normal reactions. We should allow ourselves to feel these emotions instead of trying to suppress or ignore them. By facing up to our emotions, we can better understand our inner needs and desires, so we can better cope with the challenges that come with a breakup.
From this story, we can see that although Xiaolin and Xiaofang have been married for twelve years, they usually don't communicate much.
In a good marriage, the husband and wife must be of one heart and often have spiritual communication before they can become emotionally dependent. The heart is close. If you don't bother to speak, or only communicate on the surface every day, and the words in your heart are hidden in your heart, and you don't have the desire to say it to your other half, then you will definitely be lonely. Disillusionment in marriage, disappointment in partner.
If you want to establish effective communication between husband and wife, you must learn to meet the emotional value of the other party's communication, that is, let the other party enjoy communicating with you, and the mood is happy after communication.
The reason why many people come to the point of divorce is because they don't know how to get along, can't communicate, don't know how to express love, and don't know what needs their partners have, so they don't understand each other, and the relationship develops step by step to the point of divorce. The fundamental problem is the lack of ability, and if you make up for it, you can be happy.
In fact, the root of all marriage and relationship problems is that the emotional needs are not met, and the happiness is not felt in this relationship, so it will sprout: feelings become weaker, do not cherish marriage, do not care about the other half, do not get close to children, irresponsible, love to chat, empathy, and opaque income. Don't give the other half a home, don't let the other half interfere with freedom, find fault with the other half, complain and complain, etc.
Only when we have a demand, an expectation, and an attraction for something will we spend energy to operate. If something can bring us pleasure and satisfaction, we will want to protect it. On the contrary, it is natural to hang high and hang high on the ground, and live one day at a time, as if you are single, and live a widowed marriage. When it comes to unmet emotional needs, many people will unilaterally think that it simply means that they are not cared for in marriage.
These things are easy to say, but in reality, they need to be done step by step. I made a simple plan for Xiaofang, as follows:
1.Adjust your mindset
1) Adjust your state, learn the ability to love, and know what a man needs.
2) Don't force your husband, improve yourself first and give him a different image.
2.Self-improvement aspect
1) **Love TV series, learn how to communicate with men in a gentle way, and see how women with high emotional intelligence make men feel at ease with themselves.
2) Read books that analyze the psychology of both sexes and understand the difference between male and female thinking.
3) Read communication books and learn good communication methods.
4) Read romance books to understand what the right way to express love is.
3.Character improvement aspects
1) Learn to accept yourself: Practice smiling in the mirror, with soft eyes, hugging yourself with both hands, and saying to yourself "You are so good, I love you so much".
2) Learn to record emotions: Be aware of your emotional changes and learn to manage your emotions.
3) Use exercise to soothe your mood: You can run in the community for half an hour every night. Exercise can increase the level of serotonin in the human brain and improve mood.
4) Avoid getting into the thick of the bull and continue to take care of your family.
4.The communication mode between the two sides has improved
1) Send a message to Kobayashi in a calm tone. The content of this information was edited by me to help Xiaofang, and the general content is like this: first admit that she has done something bad, and then say that she will back up at home, Xiaolin will reconcile if she wants to, and she will no longer be reluctant if she doesn't want to reconcile, if Xiaolin needs help with something, she will definitely support it. After this message was sent, Xiao Lin politely replied "thank you", and Xiao Fang did not continue to send it.
2) Honor your parents-in-law and build a good relationship with his relatives and friends, so that others can also see your changes.
3) Stop persecuting Kobayashi and agree with his feelings.
5.The way the two sides get along with each other improves
1) Learn to restrain your emotions and provide emotional value to your husband.
2) Learn to empathize, enhance your empathy, identify with your husband's emotions, and don't belittle his emotions.
Fortunately, Xiaofang is a person who is willing to change, and she humbly accepted my suggestion, after the message was sent. I no longer hit **, send messages to stimulate and persecute Xiaolin, and later once Xiaolin took the initiative to send a message to Xiaofang, asking her how the child is doing in her hometown, Xiaofang replied simply, without mentioning herself at all.
A few days later, Xiaofang cooked a meal for Xiaolin, and the two chatted politely. A few days later, Xiao Lin wanted to talk to Xiao Fang about the divorce. Xiao Fang listened to him calmly and said that she would think about it.
I can understand Xiaofang's anxiety, Xiaolin filed for divorce again at this time, which actually has a sense of temptation. Once a man is disgusted with you, he basically never wants to see you again, but Xiao Lin has begun to take the initiative to contact Xiao Fang, which shows that the negative emotions towards Xiao Fang in his heart have disappeared a lot.
I comforted Xiaofang for a while, and when she was emotionally stable, I told her that I could express my idea of agreeing to the divorce. Xiaofang was silent for a while, and followed my advice.
Recently, they went back to their hometown together to visit their children, Xiaofang didn't cry and make trouble along the way, and took care of Xiaolin gently, and when they arrived at home, the two had a relationship at night, but Xiaolin still said that he wanted a divorce, and Xiaofang nodded and agreed.
In the following days, Xiao Lin sent a message saying that he wanted to calm down, and Xiao Fang still expressed respect for his decision.
A week later, Xiao Lin bought Xiao Fang a gift and took the initiative to tell her that she wanted to start over.
During this time, Xiaofang called me many times, but this time, she was elated, and her tone was much more lively and crisp: "Teacher, he said that I have changed, and he feels that he has the confidence to live a good life with me......"Naturally, I am sincerely happy for Xiaofang.
"Communicate more, lose your temper less, be more considerate, complain less" - this is how couples get along.