Fu Lei once said:
Everyone has flaws, and this is true for both men and women in love. The problem is not to find a partner who has no shortcomings, but to find a partner who can recognize the shortcomings of both parties, admit each other, and are willing to gradually change, and at the same time can tolerate each other.Two complete strangers, walking together because of love, even if they are blessed with the halo filter of love, it is difficult to change the process of acceptance and integration of both parties.
Therefore, whether marriage and love can last for a long time does not depend on the economy, background, and education, but on the attitude of both parties: whether to seek common ground while reserving differences or attack each other.
My colleague Guoguo had to quit her favorite job in order to take care of the baby, and she broke out the first family war when she was already aggrieved and busy.
That day, her husband collapsed on the sofa after work, pressed his temples and said, "It's really tiring to go to work."
Guoguo, who was changing the child's diaper, immediately broke out: "Are you tired? I take care of the children, cook, and clean up the housework every day, am I not tired? ”
This is not the first time she has scolded her husband, and the two excited people instantly turned into emotional slaves, saying the most vicious and hurtful words to attack the person they love the most.
Habitual rhetorical questions are easy to ignore and hurt feelings, some people say: just asking, what is this?
However, rhetorical questions are different from questions in that they have the meaning of suppressing, controlling, comparing, and belittling.
For example, the reality is that Guoguo and her husband are very tired and hard, and they should gently comfort each other to relieve each other's fatigue.
And Guoguo's rhetorical question has a clear meaning: because I am more tired than you, you are not qualified to shout tired.
In a word, she elevated herself to a higher position than her husband and stood on the commanding heights to accuse him.
It's not that you can't communicate negative information in marriage, but you don't communicate any information with negative emotions.
For example, Guoguo can say when both of them are relaxed: "Husband, I know you are tired, and I feel sorry for you, every time you shout tired in front of me, my pressure is also very ......."”
This is the communication of negative information, Guoguo's husband understands her true emotions and thoughts, and the two of them gradually explore each other's needs when communicating in the future, which can make the relationship smoother and more beautiful.
Some psychologists have conducted research and come to the conclusion:
Communicating the negative things in the relationship directly, over time, will make the quality of the relationship more positive.My old classmate Rourou married from other provinces, and her habits in life and diet are very different, so when I saw her at the wedding this time, I could really describe her radiant face and full of spring breeze.
The secret of happiness she shared with us is to continue to find the sparkle in your lover with beautiful eyes, and praise her without hesitation.
It was difficult for her to accept the taste of Rourou's husband when she first started cooking, but she did not ridicule it, but she could find out the points to appreciate every time and praise sincerely: "Well, the amount of sugar in this dish is obviously much less......."”
The famous Rosenthal effect in psychology says:
A person will internalize the expectations and approvals of others, affect their own cognition and emotions, and then change their behavior.So, if you want to make your feelings more and more mellow and your life sweeter and sweeter, you must not force your lover to admit her mistakes and admit defeat, and force her head to correct something;Rather, it influences him through praise, causing him to change himself automatically and spontaneously.
Many of us have been taught to be humble and to tell the truth, but this is not contrary to praise.
Because, what we say to our partner is based on truth, but this shining point may have been ignored before, and you just saw it and affirmed it.
Many people on the Internet ask: How to save marriage and love?
Some psychologists have said:
If a couple's system of affection and praise is still working, their marriage can be saved.This is the underlying logic, there are not so many bells and whistles, it is the simplest things that are repeated every day and every year.
Love, marriage, emotionAbout the Author:
I'm Qingcheng. A psychologist with temperature, ** is a life recorder.
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