The Chinese version of this book will be published in 2023 with a Douban score of 93。
Publish a collection of dragon cards to share millions of cash
The author, Becky Kennedy, is a Ph.D. in psychology and a psychiatrist at Columbia University, a mother of three who specializes in parent-child relationship diagnosis and treatment.
The author combines his knowledge, work and life experience to write a very good book on parenting at home, which is the No. 1 bestseller in the New York Times in 2022.
The principles explained in this book are simple but profound, the parents' responses are clear but effective, and the language is sincere but skillful.
This book not only addresses parenting issues, but almost all of the principles can be applied to broader relationships such as marriage, friends, and the workplace.
The boast is poor in words, in a word: this book is worth "turning over" for parents.
From Mr. Chen Heqin's "Family Education" published in 1924 to the book "Seeing Children" published in 2023, the time span is just over 100 years. I have read Yan Yangchu's civilian education, Tao Xingzhi's people's education, Hu Shi's literature, philosophy and history education, Dewey's American-style education, Sukhomlinsky's Soviet-style education, and now I have returned to family education.
Coincidentally, except for Sukhomlinsky, everyone else studied and taught at Columbia University.
My journey of reading books in education has come to an end for the time being, and I have learned a lot of knowledge, which needs to be practiced and tempered repeatedly in the process of raising two children, after all, "it is easier to know than to do".
The next step is to read the book that turns to the food and beverage management industry.
The following are 16 practical application notes compiled from the book, plus a separate article on the ten principles of parenting.
1. The first problem to be solved on the road to parenting?
1. We can't change our children's behavior until intimacy is established. We can't start with behavior, we can only start with intimacy.
2. Ways to accumulate intimacy: put down the mobile phone and concentrate on spending time with the child; stuffing games (hugging the child and saying, "Mommy in you is not enough, I'll charge you a little"); Vaccinate against emotions (demonstrate upcoming difficulties, problems in advance); understand the child; playing games together (singing, dancing, handicrafts); Tell your child, "I've had this problem before......"Actively repair the rift.
2. What should I do if my child is disobedient?
1. The problem is your relationship with your child. It is necessary to get closer to the relationship first, and then make a request (the feeling of entrusting someone to do things through the back door).
2. Give children the right to choose.
3. Improve the game power (use exaggerated movements, funny language......）
3. How to deal with the child's tantrums?
1. It's normal to lose your temper.
2. We can't be obedient and obedient when our children are young, and we can be bold and confident when we grow up.
3. When a child has a tantrum, we must first stay calm and then ensure their safety.
4. Keep in mind that "the truth is not the only one", the adult's decision, and the child has the right to lose his temper. More importantly, parents make decisions about the way they talk to their children.
5. If your child has a tantrum, prepare something for him to vent.
6. Afterwards, you can occasionally review and reflect with your child.
Fourth, what about sibling disputes?
1. Do not pursue fairness, but seek to meet the needs of children.
2. The pursuit of fairness is to encourage children to be more vigilant: "You keep an eye on each other" (Insight, Daigo empowerment).
3. Cooling: Allow children to express their thoughts and emotions.
5. How to correct your child's confrontation?
1. Parents should not think that their children are disrespectful to themselves, and should see confrontational behavior as the result of their children's failure to successfully regulate their emotions.
If they think they are not respected, their parents will yell at them, and the latter thought will make them calm down and think.
2. If we respond to our child's rudeness with empathy and kindness, the child will feel "seen" and may respond to us with kindness.
6. Children love to complain?
1. Understanding the motivation for complaining can help reduce complaints.
2. Respond with wit and humor.
3. Rephrase your child's words in a normal tone.
7. What should I do if I lie?
1. Lying mostly comes from children's desires, and lies are regarded as a desire.
2. Children sometimes can't distinguish between reality and imagination.
3. Lying is sometimes a form of self-protection for children.
4. Parents should take a deep breath and let go of their dignity that cannot be offended.
8. How to overcome fears and worries?
1. When the child is in fear mode, it is useless to reason, the important thing is to accompany and care.
2. * Causes of fear.
3. Rehearse in advance.
9. Shyness and hesitation
1. This is not a problem that needs to be solved. Actually, it's the parents who care.
2. Parents' worries about their children's shyness will only create a vicious circle, and parents need to reflect on themselves first.
3. Self-confidence is to know your own feelings and accept the self that you have in the moment. If you're not sure if you want to play with other children and watch around, it can be a sign of confidence.
4. Then, if the parents think that the child is confident, the parents themselves will not feel embarrassed or uncomfortable.
10. The child can't stand the frustration?
1. There is a paradox in the field of learning: the more we admit that we don't understand and admit that we are wrong, the faster we can grow and progress.
Parents who want to help their children improve their frustration tolerance must first improve their own tolerance for their children's frustration (children are also observing parents).
2. We must be calm, restrained, not accusatory, and do not value the result in front of our children.
Whether it's our children or ourselves.
3. Children with a growth mindset (including adults!) They are not afraid of challenges, they can learn from their mistakes, and they can persist in difficult things for longer, because they believe that hard work leads to growth.
4. 4 values in my family: I like to accept challenges; Effort is more important than results; Frustration means learning something new; Insisting on doing difficult things will make people grow (the late Zuo Hui, the founder of Lianjia, famously said: Do the difficult but right things).
11. The child does not eat well
1. When parents discuss their children's diet, they are actually talking about whether they are doing well or not. Therefore, if the child does not eat well, the parents will feel that they are incompetent. Then, force the child to eat; The more the child feels controlled, the more he insists on skipping meals to maintain his independence......
2. Best-selling author Erin Sartre pioneered the theory of "division of responsibility".
Parental responsibilities: decide what to eat, where to eat, and when.
Responsibilities of the child: decide whether to eat or not, how much to eat (most children don't like to eat vegetables, only love snacks, and then let him?) I can't do it).
12. It is important to allow your child to follow his or her inner feelings
1. When children express their feelings, parents should not use: too exaggerated, really able to act, nonsense, you are too sensitive......and other psychological abuse terms. This will make your child feel that you don't trust him, and slowly it will also cause the child to develop self-doubt.
2. Tell your child: "You are the only one in your body, so only you know what you like (American-style independence, but is it suitable for China?). ）。
3. (For the child crying) On the one hand, parents are firm in the rules of behavior, and on the other hand, they show empathy and acceptance and approach the child.
13. How to help children build self-confidence?
1. Self-confidence comes from expressing one's feelings truthfully.
2. Parents allow their children to have their own feelings, and their self-confidence will grow. If you can empathize with your child's more uncomfortable emotions such as sadness, jealousy, anger, etc., your child's self-confidence will grow faster.
3. We all need external affirmation, but we also need to help children establish internal affirmation, so that when there is no external affirmation, children will not feel lost.
14. Do you correct your child's perfectionism?
1. Children with perfectionist tendencies are more extreme, and their comfort zone is small.
2. We need to let perfectionist children learn to find their own value outside of success.
3. Parents should help their children recognize their own perfectionism, not get rid of it.
4. Parents can "demonstrate" mistakes to their children; Cheer for mistakes; Speak up about your child's feelings; Demonstrate to your child through play.
15. How to alleviate separation anxiety?
1. When separated, parents cannot show anxiety and fear.
2. Rehearse in advance.
3. Recall the previous separation.
16. How to deal with children with high sensitivity?
1. Logic has no role in understanding emotions. This is especially noticeable in the presence of highly sensitive children.
2. Parents should be calm and control the situation first, and children with high sensitivity will often "lose control". Tell him: "You're a good boy, it's just that you're having trouble right now".
3. This sentence can be used as a mantra, and I will revise it to myself: I am a good mother, but I have encountered difficulties.
4. Parents should accompany their children and wait for their children to calm down.