I didn't watch "Hot and Hot" during the Spring Festival, but I watched a lot of movies and related articles by director and starring Jia Ling.
I want to write about it, not about the movie itself, not about **, not about inspirational, but about the growth of life.
In life, there are many people like Du Leying in the movie, living a pleasing life.
When her best friend snatched Du Leying's boyfriend and was exposed, she said sorry, and her best friend also asked Le Ying to be a bridesmaid to prove that she was not a junior. Du Leying said a word, turned around and left, but she finally gave her best friend to be a bridesmaid.
My sister's child needs a school district house and wants to transfer the house under her sister Le Ying's name to her own name, and her sister bought a pot of chicken, and she thinks that her sister will agree. Did my sister say yes? agreed, even if it was a quarrel, lifted the table and left, but she still came back and signed the letter and transferred the house to her sister.
The boxing coach fell in love with Le Ying, even if she had a relationship, the other party didn't treat her as an object, she was very sad and left crying. But do you know what's even more terrifying? It's that they have been together for so long, and Le Ying has never mustered up the courage to ask the other party to confirm the relationship.
This is the life of pleaser.
In the midst of being ignored and belittled every day, too many people have become a good person, never noisy, no demands, no opinions, easy to forgive, always satisfy others, and then ignore their inner voice.
When she came to the end, the spirit of boxing awakened Le Ying, and she decided to participate in a boxing match, which was impossible for a fat man of more than 200 pounds, but she wanted to challenge herself.
So she exercises in spring, summer, autumn and winter, and the faster she punches, the lighter her weight becomes. Finally, one day, she stepped onto the boxing stage and faced a champion. She lost the fight, but she won every punch, because she finally had the courage to resist this goddamn low self-esteem pleasing life.
Many viewers said that crying was in this section, because we found that getting a hug does not necessarily need to be pleased, and being respected can also be done.
Le Ying asked her father, if you have two apples, one big and one small, which one do you give to your friend? Generous dad said I gave it to my friend. Le Ying said I would give both, because my friend didn't think I liked apples at all.
From the interview with Teacher Jia Ling, we can understand what is the successful self-being explained in the movie? It's knowing that I'm important, that my mood and how I feel are important. Just when you don't look at other people's faces one day, but look at your own mood, you will be yourself.
Share a general review article by Teacher Huang Yuling in the dismantling and flattering training camp, the full text is as follows:
I would like to ask you some questions.
After going through the previous days, what is your inner experience at this moment?
Breathe deeply again, relax your body, and allow your feelings to surface.
Some people may feel anxious, some may feel fulfilled, some may be helpless, some may be content, and some may be calm ......There may be many more.
Have you ever found that every time you slow down and slowly focus on the present moment, that is when you are most empowered?
At that moment, you are learning, creating a space for yourself to allow it all to exist.
In every practice I've done before, I've tried to lead everyone and slow down the tempo. Slowness, giving us the opportunity to look inside ourselves, and having space for these neglected emotions to surface, is a very important part.
A person who pleases traits is much like a diligent runner who is busy with a run with no end in sight. So when all the energy is spent on the busy, there is no room to really face those emotions.
But the problem is, it's not that you don't face it, and these emotions don't exist. It's accumulating power, constantly calling for your attention. If those emotions are not seen, they will continue to ferment into dark forces that will exercise the function of destruction at special moments.
Behind the flattery, there is too much pent-up fear, sadness and anger. As Wu Zhihong said: when you see these emotions, take care of them, and allow them, they will become soft and flowing, become a white vitality, and then develop into creativity; When these emotions are not seen, they become stiff, stagnant, and become black life force, which in turn develops into aggressive behavior.
Touching your emotions deeply is the first step to healing. When you see, you already have space.
So in the first chapter of this course, I talked about five groups of emotional feelings related to flattery, and through in-depth and delicate descriptions and case analysis, I presented you with the five dimensions of emotions.
They are: anxiety and fear, anger and guilt, shame and grievance, sadness and powerlessness, loneliness and emptiness.
These five sets of emotional feelings, which are summarized and extracted from people with pleasing traits, are the most painful and the most core feelings. These feelings, in different dimensions, write a deep understanding of the soul that is deeply trapped in the predicament of pleaser.
I believe this is very important.
In my past life, when I was stuck, confused, and decadent, a word of understanding always comforted my heart and made me feel that there was still some hope in the world.
Without understanding, we lose our connection and we are very lonely. Those emotions that have been painful but unspeakable have been stirring, always seeking to be seen, this is its vitality.
In my new book, Your Kindness, Maybe It's Just Weakness, there are also many descriptions of emotions. After reading my book, a friend of mine told me that it was very emotional that there was a person who could describe the hazy feelings that have been haunting me so really, relevantly, and concretely. Thank you for sharing something that is dear to me and makes me feel less lonely.
This feedback is equally precious to me, as if we are not in the same space, but we feel deeply and present with each other. Some people understand that it is a very precious thing.
I express my feelings, and in some dark corner of my heart, maybe we will meet. That's a beautiful existence.
In the second chapter, I mentioned five types of thinking logics.
These five logics are associated with feelings of fear, shame, guilt, powerlessness, and emptiness, respectively.
Related to fear are: pandering to and submissive I'm afraid of you I'm lovely and I'll be safe if it makes you happy.
Associated with shame are: Entering and Fleeing I can't be near you If I'm near you, you'll hate me; If you stay away from me, I'm worthless.
Related to guilt are: give and compensate I hurt you If I give to you, you will give me love; If I compensate you, you'll like me.
Related to powerlessness is: loss vs. gain I can't refuse If I reject you, I'll be abandoned.
Related to emptiness are: open and closed I can't keep you If I'm good enough, I can keep you.
These five logics, and the chapters associated with each of them, deal in great detail with the relevant fantasies, and the actions that those fantasies lead to. Figuring it out can help us see what kind of game we are playing in this relationship model.
When we say fantasy, the first thing I want to say is that it's not something that is defined by good and bad. It is just the internal mechanism of human psychological development. Fantasy is stubborn and captivating, making people love and hate at the same time. The love is that children fantasize that their parents will love it as long as they are good enough. The hate is that as we grow up, it becomes clearer and clearer that many things are not like this.
However, just because you understand that doesn't mean that a pattern will change. Awareness is only the first step to change. We also need to continue to grow.
Whether parents love you or not, that's something they can control, not what children can control. If parents can love, that's the best. However, what should parents do if they can't love?
We certainly have a choice.
This brings us to the third chapter, Healing and Change.
I've devoted eight sections to discussing our path to healing.
In this chapter, I share with you my ideas, my methods, my encouragement, and my support.
I call it the Power Chapter. They talked about 7 forces: the power of decision, the power of method, the power of boundaries, the power of love and support, the power of companionship, the power of mourning, and the power of rooting.
At the heart of these forces revolves around how to help yourself and build a stable and balanced self.
The reason why the person who pleases people puts their power on others is because of their own lack of strength. So, a very important part of us is to strengthen our own self-strength. But this is a process, the original model has been very accustomed to it, and it is quite difficult to change to a new one.
We need to be mentally prepared.
If you don't have a decision, you don't have to talk about anything else, it's like a goal, a clear goal, giving us direction and hope. If, a pleasing person, the goal is to change others, then the result is of course very frustrating. The right direction is important, and, necessary.
We need methods to help us to be aware and discerning. In the section on the power of methods, I have a more detailed description, which is of course my own growth experience and experience over the years.
The power of boundaries helps to please people with idiosyncrasies, to distinguish between people and me, between people and the world. It is quite important if, without borders, a person cannot build his own kingdom. Need to know clearly that your own boundaries are in**? Where are the boundaries of others? How to get along?
Support and companionship is about the power of love, the power of gentleness, patience, and deep compassion. In addition to understanding yourself deeply, I also suggest that you develop other relationships and create more connections so that we can feel more empowered when we can get help and support from the resources around us.
Mourning and rooting, this is the power of creation, everything that has been lost, which makes us grieve, in our lives, there have always been various losses, but not every loss, we have experienced a farewell to them in our hearts. Sometimes, our hearts are still hanging on the past, to mourn, to speak, to express, will help us to leave that sad place and come to the present.
But when we come to the present, take deep roots, sprout, flourish, and keep creating, we have the ability to resist risks and continue to create more possibilities in life.
I've said all this, and it's important to take action.
Trapped there, never to come.
It's okay to stay, to give, to hope, to be sad, to be angry, it's a choice. I believe that when people make their own choices, they will make the most suitable choice for themselves at the moment. There is no good or bad choice between these choices, what you choose, what you bear. A person's efforts in his own life deserve to be respected.
You can also start from now on and direct this force in the direction of yourself.
The last thing a person likes to do is to pamper himself.
In the heart of the pleaser, there is a shameful child who has been cowering in a dark corner for a long time, afraid of being looked down upon by others, afraid of being disliked by others, afraid of being accepted by others.
You see, this shameful child is a part of us, and when we keep attacking ourselves, "You damn it, you're so dirty, you're so hateful, you're so selfish," what a cruel thing it is!
This kid, he's already so uncomfortable, the attack will only make him flinch more, more ashamed, more frightened. There is really no more benefit than satisfying the pleasure of venting the anger of the detractor.
If there is a part of our heart that agrees with our parents' harsh and violent judgments, we will become like them, criticizing our own shame and accusing ourselves of our own powerlessness.
Actually, these are all parts of myself.
Come and try to give them some space and allow these to be there.
Try to allow yourself to be what you are. Please stop attacking yourself. Every time, when the voice of your own inadequacy and unworthiness arises, try to say to yourself: Stop
Maybe once, twice, you can't stop, but when you keep doing it, you can shorten the time period and make the attack a little less impactful to you.
The existence of every emotion has its own value and significance. Our flattering behavior should not be criticized, it also needs to have its place and space.
You can also add some space to develop a tolerant self to come out, and when we see this shameful and powerless child within ourselves, ask him if you can let you hug him?
If you can, reach out and take the child in your arms and soothe him as if you were a little baby. Just hold him like this, give him peaceful care, quiet companionship, and complete acceptance.
This is a child who has experienced a lot of fears, a child who works very hard, it has a brave soul, and at this moment, you are hugging him, warm and comfortable.
Until you want to put him down, you can do this, tell him that you will be there for him and will come and hug him often.
When you can understand that pleasing us is an effort to survive, you can see the vulnerability, helplessness, and desire behind this act of plattering. It may not be an obstacle, but I haven't found a better way to express myself and achieve myself. This call to a better life is to be seen, known, and understood.
Believe me, when you love this child who is full of fear, he will slowly come out of the darkness and dance with you in the sun.
When we don't have the power to integrate the parts of our inner self with each other, we can at least allow them all to exist. When we fall into paranoid confusion, our inner self is constantly in conflict and in the midst of non-stop killing. Destruction will not be the ultimate victor, but love will bring it back into balance.
It is not a fault to please, let alone a sin. May you have the strength to create ** and tranquility. May you reach the truth and courage of your heart. May you love yourself deeply.