Text: Chang Qingzhu (rich book columnist).
In life, we are often burdened by the desire to maintain the image of a "good old man".
In order to take care of other people's feelings, they fall into an emotional vortex;
In order to explain the truth of the matter, he fell into the trap of self-proof;
In order to maintain the short-lived peace, self-interest was sacrificed.
In the process, we lost territory, consumed energy, and tossed ourselves to exhaustion.
On the contrary, those who are bold enough to be villains treat life as a playground, no longer chasing outside, and live a relaxed life in their own world.
A person's good life begins with living with a "villain mentality".
No more fear of rejection
Bi Shumin said in "Exercising the Right to Refuse":
If we don't say no at all times, we won't hurt others. But we hurt someone who is closer to us, and that is ourselves.
In life, we often can't bear to refuse because of our feelings, and we end up being dragged down by trivial things.
The neighbor rubbed the car in the name of "dropping by", and you were embarrassed to refuse, so you could only force yourself and agree with a smile;
A friend prostitutes his professional skills for the reason of "asking for help", and you can only agree because you don't want to hurt your peace;
A colleague shirks his work on the grounds of "you are good at this", and you can only nod helplessly because you take care of the overall situation.
After being consumed by "not knowing how to refuse" countless times, I gradually found that only I was suffering and tired.
In the program "Annual Comedy Contest", Huang Bo shared an experience of his own.
One night, Huang Bo received a call from a friend.
Since the two hadn't been in touch for a long time, Huang Bo subconsciously thought that his friend had something important.
Unexpectedly, my friend claimed to know Huang Bo at the dinner and wanted him to support the scene.
Huang Bo, who was unwilling to save face with his friends, could only be forced to open his business.
*, a self-cooked dinner friend asked Huang Bo to recreate a line from the movie for him.
With such an impolite greeting, Huang Bo replied to more than a dozen people.
When ** returned to his friend, Huang Bo thought that this was the end of the matter.
Who knows, but my friend continued to ridicule, "You said that you still have so many people like you, no wonder!" ”
Regarding his friend's self-righteous humor, Huang Bo replied directly: "Next time you do this, I will never save face for you, and you will hang up in the middle!" ”
Yu Hua once said: "When we treat the world in a ** way, the world suddenly becomes gentle and elegant." ”
In this world, the really smart ones are often not the people who are capable, but the people who dare to say "no".
You must know that the more you compromise others, the more you will embarrass yourself; The more you ignore yourself, the more you will be aggrieved and remorseful.
In the days to come, if you don't please, don't cater to, and don't care, you can live freely.
No more over-empathy
In the TV series "I'm Good in Another Country", Hu Jingjing is a lively and enthusiastic girl who is always smiling.
She uses her strong empathy ability to warm the pain of her friends and the people around her.
Mom uses Jingjing as a punching bag, even if her words are too aggressive and she keeps hurting her, she accepts it all;
Because she can stand in her mother's perspective and understand her difficulty, but Jingjing's heart has already become full of holes in the endless consumption.
The sadness and helplessness of her cousin after she was seriously ill could only be confided in Jingjing;
Jingjing empathized with her cousin's pain, so after bearing a lot of pressure on her family and life, she added endless worries and relieved her by taking depression medicine.
A friend was cheated of half a year's rent, and Hu Jingjing didn't have time to digest the emotions of being expelled, so she picked up a knife and rushed to the scene to support her friend ......
The long-term excessive empathy made Hu Jingjing's heart full of depression and heaviness.
Because she was unwilling to pour the "bitter water" on the people around her, Jingjing could only digest herself.
She often couldn't sleep at night, and her mind was looking back on all kinds of bad things; Nervous breakdown, secretly crying in the corner, suffering from depression ......
Until her birthday, Hu Jingjing was completely crushed by a debt collection after a series of unsmooth things, and chose to commit suicide by jumping off the building.
Psychologist Ronald Bodell said: "Emotions can spread like a flu virus and pass on to close contacts. ”
People who are often shackled by emotions are not trapped in the painful cage of others, not because of the many difficulties in life.
As Osamu Dazai wrote in "Migratory Birds": ".People who are too sensitive will be considerate of the pain of others, and naturally they will not be able to be frank easily.
If you always overconsume yourself for the emotions of others, you will put a heavy shackle on your life.
Anyone who has achieved something will not pay for the emotions of others.
Understand the significance of the separation of topics and grasp the boundaries of self-communication with others, so as to stay away from unnecessary loss;
Control the button of the emotional switch and learn to blunt the emotions of others, so as to block the spread of negative energy.
Reducing unnecessary empathy and guarding one's own energy is the greatest tenderness to oneself.
No more easy self-proofing
Luo Xiang said: "Misunderstanding is the norm in life, and understanding is the rare exception." ”
I believe that many times in life, we fall into the "self-proof trap" because we try to correct the doubts of others.
This is the case with a friend of a netizen.
Although my friend dropped out of school to work at a young age, he never gave up on improving himself.
At that time, she worked as an assembly line worker in an electronics factory during the day, and went to a dance institution at night, working silently and practicing hard work.
After completing his studies, his friend opened a dance institution, and his income not only increased significantly, but even higher than most people in the village.
However, the people in the village did not believe that their friends were capable, but thought that the money was coming from the wrong way, and there was a lot of speculation about the reason.
It's not just about being small.
3. Rumors such as sugar daddy that ruined the girl's reputation, and even more pretended to be relatives and insisted that her money was coming from the wrong way.
The friend's parents didn't want their daughter's innocence to be slandered, so they clarified it again and again.
However, their clarification was not only misunderstood as "wanting to cover up" and "being weak", but also allowed the villagers to hammer the truth of the rumors.
This caused friends to go home for the Chinese New Year, afraid of seeing the strange eyes cast by others.
There is a concept in psychology called ".The trap of self-evidence
It refers to the fact that in the face of misunderstandings from others, you are desperate to prove your innocence, but you unconsciously fall into the trap of the other person.
Zheng Linghua, a graduate student who was abused online because of dyed pink hair and finally committed suicide, fell into the "self-proof trap".
An ordinary photo with his grandfather has derived foul language such as "wine girl" and "grandson love".
In order to prove his innocence, Zheng Linghua dyed his hair back black, uninstalled all apps, and used the law to defend his rights ......
Even so, she failed to stop the continuation of the malice and endured the pain of depression for more than half a year.
It's a pity that she didn't stick to it. Because the more we prove ourselves, the more we can't prove it. In the end, Zheng Linghua was forever frozen at the age of twenty-four.
It is human nature for us to have thoughts of self-justification; But they don't know that the truth is never in the cognition of those who misunderstand.
On the contrary, we are trapped in the cycle of self-proof, and we end up running out of energy and losing ourselves.
You must know that other people's evaluations are illusory, and your own feelings are real and stable.
As the saying goes,Often compete with peers, and don't judge the strengths and weaknesses with villains.
The best state of life is to be alone, to be quiet, and to be yourself.
No more internal exhaustion of yourself
Kazuo Inamori once said, "If kindness is not treated with the respect it deserves, then the best way is to turn the other cheek." ”
Indeed, concessions without boundaries are often exchanged for intensification.
I saw such a story on Zhihu.
Ye Ye's family was poor when he was young, and he was often talked to by teachers because he couldn't pay the tuition.
This made her heart full of unspeakable depression and inferiority.
In order to avoid this dilemma, Ye Ye hoped that his father could borrow money to pay for his tuition.
This matter was not only rejected by the father, but also caused a huge conflict between the father and daughter.
By chance, this matter was known to her classmate Xiao Jin, and she publicized it.
The sarcasm and contempt on the faces of the classmates at that time brought irreversible trauma to Ye Ye's already sensitive and painful heart, and he couldn't let go of it for a long time.
For a long time, Ye Ye didn't dare to walk with his head up, afraid of looking directly into the eyes of his classmates;
The scene at that time came to mind many times, and the emotions were often in a state of sadness and collapse;
Timid about what didn't happen, in countless self-blames and judgments, the momentum to move forward has long been wiped out.
The shackles of childhood have bound Ye Ye for a long time, but fortunately, she has the courage to face the pain and achieve ** by herself.
At the class reunion many years later, Xiao Jin jokingly mentioned the incident again.
Faced with Xiao Jin's touching the bottom line again, Ye Ye did not dodge, not only scolding him back on the spot, but also blacking Xiao Jin.
If we habitually accommodate others, we will easily become tired and weak, and fall into repeated internal friction.
The so-called beating of thousands of drums, walking in the world, and retreating without principles and bottom lines will only be bullied by others at will.
Yang Jiang said: ".If kindness is not respected, let it grow thorns.
In the face of disputes, he is neither humble nor arrogant, and has the courage to defend his own interests and bottom line.
In the face of ill-intentioned people, show your true self and be bold in unleashing your aggression.
The truly strong people in life will use their inner tenacity and sense of strength to calmly deal with the troubles of life.
Herbert said: "The more cold-blooded, decisive, and unobtrusive you are, the more people appreciate you." ”
Deeply believe that the abandonment and concession without a bottom line are often exchanged for the abyss of malice.
Rather than compromise in other people's worlds, it is better to roam freely in your own wilderness.
Empty too much guilt, don't get trapped in the so-called friendship, you can gain the respect of others;
Quit excessive sense of responsibility and do not carry the emotions of others, in order to live your true self;
Get rid of excessive recognition and do not fall into the trap of self-evidence, so as to grasp the initiative in life;
Reduce the excessive sense of morality, do not bear to be bullied by others, and finally start a light life.
I hope you and I can cultivate a good villain mentality, gentle but not easy to mess with, be an angular self, and embrace a rich and happy life.
About the author: Chang Qingzhu, the author of the rich book, enter, I go to, a person If you want to succeed, not to be obstructed, not to be **, this is the shielding force, this article: Fushu Life Museum, Fushu Strict Selection, Excellent Products, and you improve the quality of life together, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, without authorization, shall not be **, infringement must be investigated.
Note: This article *** network, if there is any infringement, please contact to delete.
List of high-quality authors